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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my Mil to get back to the 1950's?

106 replies

GossamerHailfilter · 05/04/2014 18:25

Today is BIL's birthday. I reminded DH 3 days ago it was his brothers birthday.

MIL rings and says that BIL doesn't have a card from us. Of course he doesn't because DH hasn't sent one.

Her exact words were 'well you are the wife and SAHM so you should have got one, written in it and sent it'.

OP posts:

WitchWay · 06/04/2014 10:21

I buy them & used to write in them, including a pretty good forgery of DH's signature. Now I just do them if he's forgotten - we have a box with cards in that I buy when they're on offer so there's usually something suitable. Recently he got into e-cards & his mum uses her iPad a lot so that works well. less clutter for her to hoard as well

RandomMess · 06/04/2014 10:27

I do actually remind H about his family - I don't know them off my heart but vaguely know which month. Beyond that it is up to him, we don't do Christmas gift anymore - after suggesting it for several years they finally agreed it was a waste of money and stressful all around

Big difference is that his family know it isn't my job, and I like them very much and I don't have any family of my own. MIL and SIL are in awe that H does his share with the dc and the house!

elfycat · 06/04/2014 10:28

As soon as I married DH my MIL said 'oh and I'll have to give you all the birthdays so you can send cards'. I'd been with him for 4 years but apparently it's only after you have the ring on your finger that you become his slave.

Needless to say I haven't bothered and if MIL comments to me how I've forgotten someone's birthday I shrug and tell her to tell DH. I don't send cards anyway and she always moans about it even though we'll have bought her a gift. I'm tempted to write 20 cards out, tell her to open one each year and if she's still alive after that I'll write a few more.

swampytiggaa · 06/04/2014 10:42

I have never done cards or gifts for the in laws. I do my side and husband does his :) he does remember everyone I think and mil wouldn't tackle me if he forgot anyway. I like my mil :)

Shodan · 06/04/2014 10:46

My MIL is generally a lovely person (albeit with a tendency to talk wa-a-a-y too much) but she also had, right from the start, the mistaken idea that her DS had fortunately found someone who would relieve him of all the stresses of adult life (cleaning; remembering birthdays etc)

She bought me an 'occasions' calendar, filled in the relevant 'occasions' on their side of the family, and presented it to me with an air of 'I've saved you such a lot of worry' about her.

My response? "Ooh, DH, look! MIL has bought you a nice calendar! Now you'll never be able to claim you 'forgot' your family's birthdays ha ha ha! Ooh, or their anniversaries! Look! They're all written down already! Isn't that useful?"

All reminders (which I still get) that occasions are coming up are met with "Rightyo. I'll try and remember to tell DH-but perhaps you ought to remind him yourself- I have enough trouble remembering my own family's stuff."

CwtchesAndCuddles · 06/04/2014 10:58

DH sorts out cards for his friends and I sort out my friends but as far as family goes it's usually me who gets all the cards as I have more opportunity to buy them.

I don't get the my family / your family thing - I consider us to be part of one extended family.

LittleMissDisorganized · 06/04/2014 11:05

DH - leaves everything to the last minute, has a family that aren't big on presents/ cards (except for MIL, strangely enough)
Me - does it all stupidly early, love cards and careful choosing and thinking of presents.

Best not to interfere really though I do twitch by 3 days before one of his adult DC birthdays and he's got nothing
I suspect if I asked MIL she'd think it was my job though. Fortunately she has never passed comment I think she can tell I have some influence in the choosing of her things these days though.

Ifyoubuildit · 06/04/2014 11:16

Giggling at boiling piss!

My MIL expects me to do all cards apart from the ones to her which must be chosen and signed by DH and must contain a deep and meaningful verse.

I take great joy in selecting her cards and finding the most excruciatingly cheesy verses available (usually in our local corner shop). DH really struggles to sign them the verses are so bad, but he has no other choice. She's always very pleased and I feel it's a little victory

FlabbyMcTat · 06/04/2014 11:45

My DH doesn't expect me to buy cards but he wouldn't bother if I didn't insist. His sister doesn't bother either and unseals our card to write her name in it for HER parents.

Aventurine · 06/04/2014 12:00

Another one here who was sent a calendar by mil with all the family birthdays on. I assumed it was because she is from rather a "traditional" culture, but it seems mils do it here too.

Kundry · 06/04/2014 13:21

I wouldn't have gone for the 'my family your family' thing either except 1) my family is v small, his is massive 2) my family don't give a stuff about cards/birthdays/token gifts for every single relative at Christmas and 3) my family make no demands on my husband whatsoever.

So effectively I got married and the entire responsibility for something I'd never experienced and had been brought up to view as a waste of time and energy was dumped on me. If it was down to me, none of them would get cards because I actually don't care when my SIL's birthday is and I don't expect her to care when mine is either. There'd also be a massive Christmas present cull. However DH comes from the card and present culture and so wants to send cards and presents - so 'my family your family' was a much better solution.

yourlittlesecret · 06/04/2014 13:30

Interesting.
DH and I have lived together for 30 years.
At first I didn't even go as far as to remind him about his family birthdays. His parents never got cards, nor did his brother and SIL. His niece and nephew grew up never having had cards or presents from their uncle.
It was only when I had children that I suddenly thought, oh dear, these things matter to some people. My DC have never had a birthday card or present from BIL. I guess SIL is following my example.
I have never missed a card or present for the niece's children.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 06/04/2014 13:43

Dh only has his parents so I have always helped him organise birthday and Christmas presents.

I was a bit when recently asked what on earth we should get his step mum three days before her birthday, but can appreciate they are so unpleasant that you would be forgiven for forgetting their existence, never mind their birthdays.

paxtecum · 06/04/2014 14:02

I still send my ex inlaws cards, because I like them (not X MIL though).
I sent them cards when I was married too, because I liked them, not because they were my husband's relatives and I thought it was my duty.

Barbaralovesroger · 06/04/2014 15:00

I would text BIL and apologise for the missing card but say that DH does the cards for his side of the family and he's being a bit slow

Laquitar · 06/04/2014 15:30

If i was in your BIL's shoes and my mum was telling people to send me cards i would be mad at her.
Unless BIL is 5 yr old!

Anniegetyourgun · 06/04/2014 15:30

But if you're going to get into apologising on DH's behalf for his failure to send a card you might as well send the ruddy card in the first place. The whole point is that it is his responsibility and his decision as to whether he chooses to send a card to his own brother. It's not his wife's, nor is it his mother's once he becomes an adult.

CorporateRockWhore · 06/04/2014 16:03

I got face off my Mum for not buying MIL a Mothers Day gift. I was not impressed. Apparently being married means I have become responsible for the happiness of not one, but two, mothers.

Fuck that.

Curiosa · 06/04/2014 17:17

Boils down to economics.In most relationships the lower earner normally organizes cards and presents for both families, usually, because he or she has more time or easier access to shops and post office. Sensible division of labour.

bottleofbeer · 06/04/2014 18:28

My inlaws are a bit like this. Mum does everything child/home related. Dad does his day's work and gets waited on. My BIL's all went for women very like that. They're all the polar opposite of me.

But tbh I think my MIL prefers me to all of them.

Koothrapanties · 06/04/2014 19:39

I bought mil a mother's day card for dh to write and send. He didn't do it... It still feels like it's my fault somehow. Mil phoned all sad because she hadnt had a card, she sounded very disappointed. The thing is she phoned me, not dh.

Joysmum · 06/04/2014 19:44

When I was a SAHM I saw it as my responsibility. I'm the one that does the shopping so it's no bother to chuck cards for the month in the trolly for month for him to write. Why wouldn't i do that?

Lottiedoubtie · 06/04/2014 20:00

We have the opposite problem! DH is much better at this stuff than me, he never forgets- and I always get thanked for doing it! MIL doesn't believe it's him

cjel · 06/04/2014 20:07

Think it has nothing to do with being SAHM and everything to do with what suits the pair of you in you relationship. Don't rise to her, but you have to decide whether you will each buy stuff for your own families and hope some friends don't get left out in your efforts to 'make a point' or whether you can realise you are better at this than he and decide to be a grown up about it and say you will do it. |I'm sure he does things that you don't.

CaddyJelleby · 06/04/2014 20:23

I have no idea what the dates of birthdays of any of his family are nor if he sends them cards but if he does that's up to him. Likewise he had no idea re my family. I do send them cards.

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