To tell my Mil to get back to the 1950's?

[GossamerHailfilter]

Today is BIL's birthday. I reminded DH 3 days ago it was his brothers birthday.

MIL rings and says that BIL doesn't have a card from us. Of course he doesn't because DH hasn't sent one.

Her exact words were 'well you are the wife and SAHM so you should have got one, written in it and sent it'.

To those who say the woman should do it if she doesn't work would you not send a birthday card to your mum if you worked and your husband didn't? many of the excuses women use for doing all the tedious jobs don't hold water if the woman is the main earner as the woman would still do cards, esp for her family because she has been conditioned to do it and couldn't cope with the thought of her husband forgetting where as men don't care often if birthdays get forgotten and don't get blamed for it as their heads are full of far more important things..

One of my SILs adopts the exact same position as yours, GossamerHailfilter, and expects her DH (my brother) to remember cards and gifts he wishes to give to his (blood) relations.

Fair enough ... I can certainly see her point (as, clearly, can so many people on this thread).

My brother sometimes remembers some, sometimes forgets others, isn't very consistent (although for some reason he consistently forgets mine , maybe because it falls at a time of year they often take a family holiday). It is the norm to give cards and a small gift in both my brother and my SIL's extended families, but I can see that it is not my SIL's responsibility to remind him when he forgets, or do it for him, and it's certainly not her fault that he is inconsistent in this way.

So every year I give my brother a card (and a small gift) on his birthday and every year he fails to give me a card or gift on mine.

But here's another way of looking at it ...

Every year I give my SIL a card (and a small gift) on her birthday and every year she fails to give me a card or gift on mine.

I buy the cards for DH side of the family thinking he then only needs to write on it. It then normally takes me 5days of nagging to get him to write on the damn thing.

Worse is he never sorts gifts and usually says he'll go half with his sisters and never gets round to sending them money (we live quite far away). I always feel terrible about this so Mother's Day I gave up and transferred the money myself

ADishBestEatenCold - I see your point. Every year my inlaws get me a present and every year I fail to get them one. However, if they were resentful of this I would hope that they would cease to get me a gift.

ADish - does your SIL actually want to do gifts? If I were in your situation I'd either ask her if she still wanted to swap gifts or just stop myself. I'd guess she probably isn't that bothered about getting a gift from you.

Lots of people don't want to do small gifts for adults - there are millions of threads on MN about this at Christmas from people who are either insulted that not every single member of the family got them a token gift or are fed up that the number of token gifts has spiralled out of hand and are wanting to create a children only list.

Yes Yama it's true that if your inlaws "were resentful of this (they could) cease to get (you) a gift" but I know that I would be unhappy doing that just to my SIL and not to other family members. For example, I can't imagine acknowledging the birthdays of my brother, my nephew and my nieces, but not acknowledging the birthday of my SIL. We do see them quite regularly, and that would feel rather odd (to me, at least), as if I was valuing her less than the rest of her family.

I see your point Kundry but indications over the years suggest that, yes, my SIL does want to encourage the card and gift thing. Not just she, but lots of family members on both sides, which is what I meant when I said it is the norm to give cards and a small gift in both my brother and my SIL's extended families.

Over the years, at the suggestion of another family member, the gifts exchanged between adults in the family have become small, a book by a favourite author, some incense, a candle, varies according to the known likes and dislikes of whichever recipient, but always small, a token acknowledging the birthday, really.

In the case of this particular SIL I am as sure as I can be (without having ever asked) that she does want to do gifts. Likes and dislikes have come up in conversation so, for example, I would know whether she already had a recent bestseller of not. We also do sometimes see various family members on their birthdays, including my SIL's, which does tend to encourage the gift thing.

Having said all of that, can I just add, that I only explained "another way of looking at it " in my post on 07-Apr-14 23:57:52, simply to show that there is another side to the situation described in the OP. I am not putting my SIL down, and would not want to call her on this. As I already said it is not her fault that my brother is inconsistent in remembering or bothering and, again as I already said, I can see her point, in expecting her DH to take care of sending his own cards.

I'm simply illustrating that there is another way of looking at it (but I promise you, I'd rather have my SIL than a gift ).