Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

291 replies

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 11:54

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different Sad Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 16:11

If they truly were limited by numbers for Harry's party, and would not be in a position to reciprocate, they should not have accepted your son's party invitation.

I totally disagree with that.

Firstly, they might not have known what sort of position they'd be in on their child's birthday, or whether he'd opt for a smaller do.

Secondly, how nasty would they be if they told their child he couldn't go to a whole class party and he'd have to be the only one left out?

Tit for tat inviting/accepting is complicated and it becomes all about the parents rather than the children themselves.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 16:11

Apologies I thought you meant your 5 yer old daughters party last year. 7/8 is totally different and I assumed genderised as you said boys toys and girls toys. I'll sit on my hands Wink

I stopped parties at 7 with ds1 and then moved to smaller things like a bowling trip/cinema.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 16:11

X posted with diddl

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 16:12

ds2 would of been very very Sad had 'harry' not come to his party. He loved having his friends come to his party as it are it special for him

OP posts:
Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 16:13

made*

OP posts:
Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 16:16

ds2 seems fine now. hasn't mentioned it. Has played skylanders and when I asked what/where he'd like to go for a day in easter holidays for a treat he's asked for. .................. China to see the great wall. um I think I'll have to think of something else Grin

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 16:19

YABVU OP

Take him to China and don't forget to invite the whole class! Grin

spiderlight · 04/04/2014 16:19

BuntCadger Do you have a Woodcraft Folk group in your area? My DS has just started going and loves it. He's never done Cubs/Beavers so I can't compare, but ours certainly seems well set up to cater for a wide range of personalities/abilities and there are some quite quirky kids there (in the nicest possible way!) who seem to thrive on it. They have a partnership with the National Autustic Society, by the look of it (link) and might be a source of out-of-school friendships for your son.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 04/04/2014 16:20

No I just couldn't be arsed with any arguments so foolishly bought everyone the same. The same for girls and same for boys. I think had her mum not been there, encouraging her, she would have been fine. I've had her here many times and she changes when her parents turn up. It's weird.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 16:27

What a fab idea spider (shudder at name) we are near a national park which is a very woody place Wink so there must be one.

worral do you think ill get away with black gang chine and plead my poor deaf ears over china/chine. although Iabvu as not inviting all any of the little darlings Grin

OP posts:
spiderlight · 04/04/2014 16:33

Hope you find one! It's a brilliant organisation and I wish we'd found it earlier.

Glad your DS is happier now.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 16:40

Sit him on your front wall with a bag of prawn crackers and tell him it's the 'Mildy OK wall of China' Grin

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 04/04/2014 16:53

Would you have been staying to the party? Or maybe she was scared you wouldn't didn't know how to ask and bottled it all....?

I'm sorry he's sad. U need to let it go. It might sadly happen a few more times yet... :( so sorry x

Suefla62 · 04/04/2014 16:54

Try Hadrians Wall Grin

WaitMonkey · 04/04/2014 16:56

Sanci, you are lovely. Smile Thanks

uselessidiot · 04/04/2014 17:24

Omg! I've been doing it all wrong. We can't afford to give dds a party. I didn't realise I had to stop her going to all other parties. I feel bad now. No wonder I have no friends myself, I always get things wrong.

takeiteasybuttakeit · 04/04/2014 17:49

sounds like things are cleared up, but just wanted to say...maybe don't jump to conclusions at the text saying 'thanks but can we just leave it for now' - maybe there's something going on in their lives and they don't really want to have a playdate right now? You never know, and jumping to conclusions is a bit unreasonable

frumpypigskin · 04/04/2014 18:11

uselessidiot - I hope you're being ironic.

My kids aren't having a party this year. I wouldn't dream of not accepting invitations because we aren't going to reciprocate. On the other hand it also wouldn't occur to me to not invite a child because my child hadn't been invited to their party.

I think often these party politics matter to the parents more than the children. When your child is upset at not being invited to a party they look to you to reassure them rather than rage against the world on their behalf.

In regards to this thread my genuine question is when you can't invite the whole class to a party, do you invite the children your child wants at the party or do you make concessions? i.e. do you invite the child that may not have as many close friends, and therefore not get invited to many parties? If you do the latter I can't see how it works as many children have 'issues' that could set them apart. How do you decide which ones are 'worthy'.

everythingiknow · 04/04/2014 18:16

takeiteasy has made a good point. It is all too easy to jump to one's own conclusions (that can turn out be very wrong) by misinterpreting the behaviour of someone else. I have just experienced this myself. A friend who I thought was being completely unreasonable (for various reasons) has just contacted me to explain about some huge issues going on currently in their family, which now have completely explained the odd behaviour, which I had (as I now see) quite wrongly misinterpreted as being directed at myself / my DC. Turns out it was nothing to do with either of us!

captainbarnacle · 04/04/2014 18:19

"When your child is upset at not being invited to a party they look to you to reassure them rather than rage against the world on their behalf."

^^This. Exactly this.

uselessidiot · 04/04/2014 18:20

It was in response to someone saying that you shouldn't accept an invitation when you can't return it.

Personally I think a party has to be either whole class, all the boys, all the girls or less than 5. Excluding just one or two would be cruel. So would inviting then rescinding the invitation.

AfricanExport · 04/04/2014 18:44

I feel for you OP

DS so wanted a Playdate with one boy in his class. From the age of 3 to 7 he asked me every week. At first the mom made excuses but eventually she just ignored my emails and texts. This mom then proceeded to invite every boy in the class to her sons parties except DS. It hurt him a lot. ds didn't understand.

I explained it by saying the some mothers are simply not very nice people and think they are better than others. It's unfortunate but we are probably better off without people like that in our lives. He never asked again Wink

It's sad for the little boy as well (as he tried to apologise to my ds) but he has lots of perfect friends to hang around with now so I'm sure his life will be perfect. Grin Grin Grin Grin

It took him a long time to find a group where ds belonged but he is okay now at 9.

I wouldn't say anything as she wouldn't care even If you did. although after all this time of being in the same classs she is well aware that I hate her guts and think she is a Bitch. I will never forgive her.

Vinomum · 04/04/2014 19:07

I really empathise with so many posters on here. DS1 is NT but hardly ever gets invited to parties. The first time it happened he was 3 and I was devastated. Now, 4 years on, it still hurts every time it happens. I try not to make a big deal of it to him and make sure we do nice family stuff instead, but inside I'm raging...why why why???

I had a big blubfest recently to DH about it (who being a bloke really doesn't get why I'm bothered by it at all) but he did say that he didn't get invited to parties much when he was younger but is a very sociable and popular bloke now. Also made me think back to my own childhood and I don't remember going or not going to birthday parties, I remember family days out, holidays. I'm really trying to focus on those things for my DCs rather than getting upset about parties which are totally out of my control and upset me more than DS anyway.

Ohanarama · 04/04/2014 19:10

OP I think your DS and mine were separated at birth! Mine has HFA and social/anxiety issues. He's worrying tonight about his friend's party which is happening over the Easter holidays and I had to tell him gently after school today that he wouldn't be able to go because of no invitation he's Sad and Confused.
Also just yesterday he coloured in a fab picture of the great wall of China, he loves learning about all the historic landmarks overseas.
The lovely thing about MN is that you hear about other families with DCs with similar issues, whereas in life sometimes it feels as though your the only one.

Ragglefrock · 04/04/2014 19:22

What Frumpypigskin said.

Also I understand you are upset on behalf of your son but I think it is an overreaction especially to text the other parent and my advice as gently as possible: I think you need to work on your own resilience and set a high standard of resilience to your son.