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AIBU?

To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

291 replies

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 11:54

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

OP posts:

Report

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 12:21

I've (stupidly probably sent her a text) I don't expect a reply to it and probably shouldn't of sent it.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 04/04/2014 12:23

What did the text say?

SavoyCabbage · 04/04/2014 12:23

Your poor ds. That is so sad.

Although it will be hard, I would ask Harry around again. Perhaps she said no the first time because she felt awkward about the party. Awful though that is.

I think that's what I would do. Or bop her on the nose.

ProlificPenguin · 04/04/2014 12:23

This is really sad for your DS but I agree with others that some children don't mean it when they say they will be inviting them to their party. I don't think that there is any you can do about other than try to explain it to your DS.

Not everyone can do an all class party, there was no obligation on this mother to include your DS nor accept play date invites. you might try to catch this Mum at the school date with a friendly chit chat and ask if they are still friends? At their age best friends can change hourly too.

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 12:23

Hi we had a call from school today as xxx was inconsolable as he was upset he hadn't made 'Harry' a card for his birthday. He'd said weeks ago that "Harry' was inviting him to his party but no invite was recieved in book bag. I'm sorry if this was missed and I did check with the school. I dont know if you are aware but xxx has high functioning autism. The friends he makes are special and mean a lot to him. He isn't naughty, he isnt agressive, but he does get anxious and finds things harder than his peer group. He's very bright but because of his anxiety he cant manage school full time. This isn't information we generally share but we felt it might be beneficial to parents of 'xxx' friends to have a better understanding rather than think of him as a naughty boy. buntcadger and Mr buntcadger

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Morgause · 04/04/2014 12:25

I wonder if something happened last time your DS went to play with his friend. She said to "leave it for now" when you asked about playing.

Could you gently ask her if there's a problem that you don't know about?

CoffeeTea103 · 04/04/2014 12:25

Sorry about your little boy.
I don't think you should say anything to the other mother too. What do you hope to achieve by doing that. She might have her reasons and can invite whoever they choose.
Maybe you are just assuming that's the reason she hasn't invited him, but it's not?

Toughasoldboots · 04/04/2014 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charlieandlola · 04/04/2014 12:27

I'm so sorry this has happened to your son, poor little chap. My dd is autistic and went for outtreach at a mainstream primary to see if she could cope and became attached to a couple of children.
you could literally smell the fear from these mums every time my dd came up to their children. I think they are scared of our children and fear that their child will become contaminated by them and will also be socially excluded. Don't forget parents have social expectations for their children and associating with special needs kids isn't generally one of them.

It is absolutely shit and awful.

I don't think much is to be gained by approaching the other mum, is your son going to stay in the school post statement or will he be moving to specialist provision?

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 12:27

We had invited 'Harry for a play date a few weeks ago. The reply in text was "sorry for delay in replying. Thank you for invited 'harry' round to your house but do you mind if we leave it for now. Thanks'

OP posts:

Aventurine · 04/04/2014 12:27

Your poor little lad.

I like the idea of a gentle text (better yet a call, if you think you will not become emotional) checking if there are any issues that you may need to be aware of. It may also be worth flagging to your DS's teacher to get his / her feedback as something to keep an eye on. I wouldn't ask why he wasn't invited to the party, but do the above in response to turning down the playdate invite.

We recently had a mum come and put party hats on the kids who were invited to an after school party right in front of the not invited children who were lining up to be picked up by their parents.

WooWooOwl · 04/04/2014 12:28

Oh dear. I don't think you've said anything you shouldn't have done, but it's quite likely that you won't get a response that will make you feel better.

Are you sure your ds and 'Harry' do have a good friendship, or is there are chance that the two boys perceive their relationship quite differently to each other?

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 12:28

charlie - he's to high functioning for special school but can't manage full time. There are no state schools to adequately meet his needs so will likely be home schooled from year 3 onwards. xx

OP posts:

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 12:29

adventurine thanks despicable. Poor kids

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 04/04/2014 12:30

How mean of the other child to tell your DS he would be invited at all though. I really hope it wasn't an intentionally cruel thing to get his hopes up and enjoy seeing him crushed when told the party had already happened, because that kind of bullying needs dealing with including involving the other parents.

So sorry for your little boy

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 12:31

Was it a whole class party and your child was the only one excluded?

Aventurine · 04/04/2014 12:33

Even if you don't speak to the parents, I would speak to the school about what has happened, so they can keen an eye out for any unkindness.

MerryMarigold · 04/04/2014 12:33

That's really heartbreaking for your ds. I agree, DeWe, that it could be really benign and playground chatter/ currency. Ds1 is always getting excited about parties that don't end up happening, right up to the content of the party bags! I can imagine he'd be devastated if it happened and he wasn't invited.

However, I think in the light of the text message, "Let's leave it for now", it is highly likely that it came from the parents rather than the child. A friendly parent would say, "We're busy on that day, but we could do..." with regards to coming over to play. "Let's leave it for now" implies prejudice and dislike of their child associating with OP's child.

I feel so sad for your ds, OP, as mine is a little similar, though I don't think he has high functioning autism. He is 8 and a half and something like this would still gut him completely. To be honest, school life has destroyed his confidence. It's hard to watch and contemplate how to manage it...but clear why many parents of children with SEN take their kids out of school.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2014 12:34

Yes I was going to say, maybe it was just about 10 kids...but the op says whole class party. :(

As an aside, my friends boys with autism love going to beavers/cubs. I think it's important to make links outside school in case of things like this.

MillyJones · 04/04/2014 12:34

So none of the parents know that your son has autism? So he was not been excluded for that but it does sound as though there was a particular issue that has happened when your two children have been together and the other parent sounds like she is not happy to have them play together again. I know its hard but her text was quite polite really and she is possibly just being good Mother herself and protecting her child (if there was such an incident that she is unhappy with that is).

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 12:35

No, the OP said her child had a whole class party

Aventurine · 04/04/2014 12:35

I thought the whole class party was the OP's? I hope the other boy's wasn't whole class as that would be really mean.

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Forago · 04/04/2014 12:36

your poor son - has bought a tear to my eye. I think you should have a word with the class teacher and try and get to the bottom of what is going on - or what the perceptions are.

If it wasn't a whole class party - then fair enough, numbers may have been limited and you have to go with who your kid chooses.

If it was and only he was excluded then that is terrible - I would ask the teacher about it as, ime, they are not above having a subtle go at parents that exclude one child.

Quangle · 04/04/2014 12:36

your poor little lad

He sounds lovely. Let's hope the invitation got lost (although that won't help DS much) but it would at least mean the parents are not utter tossers. If it's not lost then they are utter tossers.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 12:37

Why are the parents utter tossers?

We don't know whether it was a whole class party or just 10/15 kids yet.

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