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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

291 replies

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 11:54

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different Sad Sad

OP posts:
Jenda · 04/04/2014 19:25

Im sorry OP, how heartbreaking. think I would have reacted exactly as you did, rightly or wrongly.

Peachy, your offer was so lovely I got all teary!

Aventurine · 04/04/2014 19:28

Nobody has said that if someone can't afford a party or isn't having one for any reason, that they must not accept party invitations.

Barbaralovesroger · 04/04/2014 19:29

My son has also invited the whole class to his party but we are actually only having 10 in total.

I think your son (because of his needs) is going to hit this issue time and time again. The teens I know who happen to be high functioning struggle with taking things literally. It's complex anyway being a teenager with hormones and the opposite sex

Aventurine · 04/04/2014 19:31

Ohanarama Maybe you live near the OP's son and they could get together?

cafecito · 04/04/2014 19:38

I wouldn't say anything to the mum. This is pretty standard stuff for all children and it's heartbreaking yes particularly in your situation, but it's not specific to that mum or even perhaps her fault, she may not have known your DS had been invited.

Valuecrisps · 04/04/2014 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 20:18

tbh I now wish I hadn't text her and I want to send another to say that I'm sorry for saying how upset my ds2 was as these things happen. I was concerned we'd missed the invitation and I'd messed up as so hectic with new baby and building work here. That I understand not all kids can get invited and that he had taken invite literally (as autistic kids do ) and perhaps I should of talked to her sooner. I haven't sent it as I don't want to escalate anything

OP posts:
bobot · 04/04/2014 20:28

I'd leave it now, OP. TBH, after her brush off with the playdate invitation etc, I don't think she's worth bothering with and I think it might just look odd if you keep raising the subject TBH. I don't think you overreacted. If I'd received that text, I'd have been so sad to think we'd upset a child, and would have apologised for numbers being limited and said that if we'd known how much it mattered to him we would of course have invited him, and I'd have suggested you bring him round for tea next week instead.

No, she doesn't have to invite anyone to her son's party and it perhaps isn't her fault that her ds invited your ds verbally, but I think she could have been nicer about the whole thing. I'd let it die down now, best thing you can do is focus on your ds, and making him feel better about it, tell him that not everyone can be invited to everything and so on (even though I know I'd be heartbroken if it was my ds, that's what I'd say to him) and arrange to do something special together.

Our county has a social club for children with HFA and Asperger's, have you had a google and contacted the National Autistic Society to see if there's anything like that near you? Perhaps start attending some Home ed groups as that's your ultimate plan, and he is currently not at school full time?

Valuecrisps · 04/04/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Valuecrisps · 04/04/2014 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 20:43

bobot I don't think Harry's mum could have been any nicer about the whole thing.

I'm sure plenty of people would have been angry at getting a text that seemed to imply they left a child out due to him being autistic.

I think she was very magnanimous.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 20:52

Blush perhaps it would of been better for me to have left out how upset he was and that he's HFA. or not text at all.

OP posts:
Aventurine · 04/04/2014 20:54

I wouldn't send another text, but I just reread your text to her and I think it was fine. I don't think you should feel embarrassed about it.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2014 20:57

Meh, don't worry about it op.

I called your son, Harry earlier, I hope you won't hold it against me! When you next see her, just say, sorry about that text, I had lots of things going on.

She'll be fine.

Hope your lovely boy is feeling better.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 20:57

value.. I am a bit bonkers Wink I live in a crazy house so it definitely helps

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/04/2014 21:15

Some of you have really low standards of niceness! I am with bobot on this one.

lougle · 04/04/2014 21:23

The number of times my DD2 had excitedly told me she's invited to a party and I once again explain that there must be an invitation.... The worst was when she said 'I have, I have!' Then she dug into her Cardigan pocket and triumphantly pulled the teeniest corner of a scrap of paper from her pocket Sad

SaucyJack · 04/04/2014 21:24

but I think she could have been nicer about the whole thing

How?! Short of re-arranging another party for next week there's absolutely nothing she could do. They've had the fricking party already.

I'm sure next time she'll have the grace sensitivity to demand a copy of each child's medical history, just in case they have a medical condition which means their mum or dad might get offended if they're left off the list (!)

JohnFarleysRuskin · 04/04/2014 21:28

dd 4/5 Is having a party at some soft play venue (her choice)

Ten kids, we agreed. She came home and told me, she'd invited (verbally) two more. Argh. (that's £20 more)

We sent out twelve invites.

And now, we wait to hear if any one can be arsed to reply. Ho hum.

(why am i doing this? DH doesn't want the kids to grow into anti- social gits like him...)

captainbarnacle · 04/04/2014 21:33

I explained it by saying the some mothers are simply not very nice people and think they are better than others. It's unfortunate but we are probably better off without people like that in our lives. He never asked again

Really? Really? We aren't all bosom buddies with each other. It is not rude just to not choose to be friends with someone - it's perfectly normal. Anything else is utterly fake.

My DS2 had a favourite girlfriend at nursery He adored her and they 'got married' and he still talks about them being grown ups and being married. We did 2 reciprocal play dates and that was it - her mum just wasn't that into it. She has my number, she came to DS2's birthday but now they're at different schools they probably won't see each other again even though DS2 is totally smitten! I don't think the little girl's mum is a bitch or thinks herself better - she's just a different person into a different crowd and doesn't get how much my DS2 loves her daughter. It's a "shrug and move on" moment, and certainly not an excuse to slate other parents to my son! Totally irresponsible parenting to speak about other adults like that.

MerryMarigold · 04/04/2014 21:41

but I think she could have been nicer about the whole thing

How?! Short of re-arranging another party for next week there's absolutely nothing she could do. They've had the fricking party already.

By inviting him over? How hard would that be? Or even deigning to allow her son over to their house.

diddl · 04/04/2014 21:45

"By inviting him over? How hard would that be? Or even deigning to allow her son over to their house."

Maybe neither of those things are convenient atm.

Or maybe Harry doesn't want to.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2014 21:52

You can't force your kids to play with other kids Merry

What if Harry just doesn't want a playdate with him?

That's not saying Harry doesn't like him, just that he doesn't particularly want to have him over/go over to the OPs.

There were tons of kids I really liked at school, but I didn't always want to play with them outside of it.

SaucyJack · 04/04/2014 21:52

Or even deigning to allow her son over to their house.

So she's stuck up now for not forcing her young child go on a playdate with someone he doesn't consider a friend purely for the sake of political correctness?

Lord give me strength.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2014 21:57

That's fantastic value great news for your ds.