To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[Edendance]

Do look into other specialist school (rather than 'special' schools) A friend of mine's DS goes to a specialist dyslexic school and it suits him and his high functioning Autism down to a tee.

Look around, you may have other options than a straight up mainstream or special school.

[MerryMarigold]

If my Harry didn't want a playdate with another child he'd seriously upset, I'd tell him to suck it up. I'd have the kid over and I'm sure they'd have a brilliant time. For the future, I'd take it from there. They play at school, they played at the OP's party, it's not like he hates him.

[BuntCadger]

Just to clarify. my ds2 and harry are friends. They play together pretty much every morning playtime. when we've bumped into each other when out the boys have scooted around together clearly pleased to see each other. This little boy is lovely and he genuinely likes ds2. If fact pretty much all the kids like ds2 and run up and greet him.

[captainbarnacle]

My DS1 is 7yrs old and has lots of friends at school and no SN. He doesn't get asked out on any play dates and only gone on one birthday party this year. That's just what happens. It's nothing massively personal. I don't do playdates apart from with my friends and their kids - I don't have time to do them. I wouldn't want to get 'sucked in' to a playdate culture.

[BuntCadger]

saucy maybe it's late but I found that really antagonistic. its not that I expected him to be invited because he has autism. genuinely and that is what you've interpreted this as. However 0 don't believe a child should be excluded because of their differences if whole class going for example.

[BuntCadger]

captain - one of the specific things that has been suggested to be beneficial to ds2 is to have some play dates. its not to be in with other parents etc. It's because it might be a genuinely good experience for ds2 and nice for his friend. It's not about him then been invited to harrys as in all honesty I don't think ds2 would cope well and unfair on harrys parents. dh or I accompany him when he has gone to parties (only 1 this school year and the parent asked if we would accompany).

[WorraLiberty]

Fair enough but I think that's the quickest way to ruin a friendship MerryMarigold.

[bobot]

Agree with MerryMarigold.

saucy, no, it's not for the sake of Political Correctness but about teaching DC to care about other people's feelings - doesn't matter whether that person has a label or not.

Anyway, this doesn't sound at all like anyone's forcing "Harry" to be friends with the op's DC, it sounds like any unfriendliness is coming from the parent, not the child.

Jeez, I can't be the only person who would want to do something to make this child feel better if I was the other mum in this situation. Sad world we live in where adults don't care about a heartbroken six year old because it might not be convenient!!

[WorraLiberty]

I think Harry's mum sounds lovely

I think the OP does too and just texted as a knee jerk reaction without finding out the facts.

At least it ended well.

[BuntCadger]

Bobot x

[3boys3dogshelp]

Hi op my oldest boy is in Y1 now and does have severalplay dates but when he was In reception I did turn down a few invites from mums if I didn't already know them as I wasn't comfortable sending my 4 year old to a stranger's house. Nothing to do with the children or even the mums - I just didn't know them. Now he is a bit older and I've seen more of the parents I let him go. Just saying don't jump to conclusions that everything relates to his sen.

[captainbarnacle]

It's not that some posters don't care about a sad 6yr old - but it's really not up to everyone else to 'fix' everything for him. It's up to his parent and himself. Other people shouldn't go out of their way to invite him for playdates and birthday parties out of pity and guilt - it should be because they want to. And some people just don't do playdates, or some of his friends just may not be 'that into' him. This is common - it's not just to do with HFA. It's not necessarily personal. It's not something to fix for the other parents because as far as they are concerned there is nothing broken. It is up to the parent to instill more resilience.

[Elderflowergranita]

I don't think the other mum sounds 'lovely' worra. I think she sounds quite insensitive.

You seem determined to champion her position. Why?

[gamerchick]

aand it's pretty obvious by some of the posts on this thread that some people have no idea what it's like to 'just explain' something to a kid with autism.

Coz it's dead easy like. yanno they're totally at the age range mentally as they are chronologically like in every case. Not 2 or 3 years behind as in my case

[bobot]

Who said anything about inviting him out of pity and guilt? I think it's really sad to think that people wouldn't want to do something that's quite easy to do, because it "isn't up to them" - basically you're saying "it's their problem" - it's not how I want to live my life and definitely not an attitude I'd want to teach my children.

Oh, come on - instil more resilience? Let's take autism out of the equation. If any MNer were posting on here saying that the whole office had arranged a night out and she was the only one left out, I don't think anyone would be saying it was unreasonable to feel hurt. An adult would feel hurt. You want a six year old child to be resilient enough not to care? And it's his parents' fault if he isn't??

[bobot]

Yes, teaching our DC to be resilient is important, and I'm sure OP will be helping ds deal with this, but it's just unrealistic to think that a small child should be able to shrug this off.

[WorraLiberty]

Why Elderflower? Because I do think from her reply to the OP's text, that she sounds genuinely nice.

She could well have kicked off at the implication she left the OP's child out because he is autistic. Instead she calmly explained there were limited numbers.

She could have sent a mightily pissed off reply, telling the OP to get her facts straight but she didn't.

[captainbarnacle]

Not saying they can shrug it off - yes it isn't a nice feeling to be left out. But it isn't up to other parents to make your child feel included. It's nice if they can do it, but real life gets in the way. Parents who don't invite everyone to a birthday party or don't invite your child on a play date are NOT automatically nasty, bitches, fuckers etc. They are normal, human beings. And I do appreciate that small children, esp those with SN cannot have everything explained to them. But the alternative is what? All SN kids are invited to all birthday parties because otherwise you are a stuck up evil bitch?

[ThatVikRinA22]

OP - i have a now 22 year old with AS. When he was diagnosed at 7 one of the suggestions from one of the professionals involved with him was to throw a party for his birthday and invite the entire class.

some children tore up their invites.
out of a class of 21 only 8 turned up.

DS had a very hard time with school - but it does get better. He made proper friends in his last 2 years at secondary, and made others at college and university.
he stays in touch with a few of them.
he is now living independently, in his own flat, and holds down a full time job in his specialism - IT.

it gets better.
hang on in there. i really do feel your pain and that of your boy - my ds was very much able to understand and it hurt him - i never did another birthday party.
we nurtured friendships he had with other children with similar needs to him at that age.
as he grew up people became more accepting and he made a more diverse friends group.

x

[Elderflowergranita]

Ok, my perspective is that it won't kill any parent to have their child go on a play date/ invite a child to a party from time to time.

If my child were invited on a play date at that age, I certainly would have had them go along at least once.

All of you who think the op is being unreasonable: have you never Ben in a position where you've had to console a heartbroken child because they're the 'only' one not invited to something?

[bobot]

No, Barnacle, the alternative is that you don't leave just one child in a class out, whether or not they have special needs.

[bobot]

Shouldn't it be up to everybody to try not to hurt people's feelings if they can help it?

[Elderflowergranita]

Bobot, you're a most welcome voice of reason on this thread.

It saddens me to hear the chorus of 'suck it up' responses here.

[captainbarnacle]

As far as I read, this isn't the case of him being the only child not invited - just it was a case of him seeing the friendship as more important to him than it was to the other boy. The 'whole class party' is what the OP's son had.

Yes. I console my child who has no one to play with at school, who doesn't get invited to 90% of the parties. But I don't text the mothers who are hosting parties, telling them how upset my DS is. Nothing is to be gained from that - nothing. And that is what this thread is about - not about whether everyone should be invited to a birthday party, but whether YABU to text a parent to say the lack of invitation (after the event!) has devastated your son. And such a text is pointless and guilt trippy and makes you look OTT and extremely high maintenance and I would avoid you from now on. It's not how to play things. Look after your son. Don't get involved in the decisions that other people make.

[captainbarnacle]

Of course you 'suck it up'. Do people really go around, demanding why Bobby wasn't invited to the most recent birthday party? Really? Because that seems so massively entitled to me. It is up to the birthday boy and girl and their parents to choose who they invite. It is not up to the rest of the parents to demand answers as to why their child hasn't been invited. Sheesh.