To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

[BuntCadger]

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different

[iamsoannoyed]

I am torn on this one- I can completely understand why you were upset OP, it's hard when your children are upset by something. It's natural to get defensive, and even more so when your son struggles with these situations more than most. I'm sorry your DS has been so upset.

By the sounds of it, the other mum didn't know her DS had been verbally inviting children to his party. They held a small party, not a whole class, so it's not like your son was solely excluded. It seems likely her DS was told "you can have x number of guests" and didn't chose to invite your son in the end, rather than his parents choosing to leave your son out.

Her DS probably shouldn't have invited anybody verbally- but he's 6 and that's the sort of thing they do without a second thought, so I doubt he was being deliberately mean.

So while I can understand why you were upset, on the other hand, the other mum probably hasn't actually done anything wrong either. I think you were BU and OTT to text her and lay on the guilt trip. I don't think you've done yourself or your DS any favour there, TBH. At least you got a polite reply, explaining why they'd not invited your son so she doesn't sound like an awful person.

I admit, had I got that text I would have replied nicely, but made a mental note to keep my distance. I would not be going out of my way to encourage the friendship as I'd be wary of what would happen over routine small tiffs/perceived slights etc.

With regard to play dates, there could be a myriad of reasons she said "leave it for now"- maybe the parents have a lot on their plate/their DC have after school activities/just don't fancy after school play dates etc.

Maybe your DS and her DS get on fine at school, but maybe her DS doesn't want to do play dates? Is it possible something has happened you don't know about? Of course, it could be they've decided your son is an unsuitable friend for theirs due to his HFA and are being unkind- but I see no evidence of that. Or it could be they are worried re your DS becoming overly reliant on their son. Who knows. I don't think any of us can say whether she's been unreasonable or not.

[BuntCadger]

nearthewindy - I appreciate your post as it's good to hear how things can be seen. I don't really see the other mums as ds2 only attends 4 mornings and 1 afternoon. I do however work very closely with the school (who are absolutely supportive and communication is great both ways). I have regular meetings at least fortnightly and am very aware ds2 is different from his peers in some areas. He will run and hide at school when anxious. We are thankful that he isn't aggressive to other people. He doesn't understand not to call out although he's getting much better with that. He also finds sitting still really hard and a lot of the work isn't at his level. He has a 1-1 who has been with him since year r.

[BuntCadger]

nearthewindy - I appreciate your post as it's good to hear how things can be seen. I don't really see the other mums as ds2 only attends 4 mornings and 1 afternoon. I do however work very closely with the school (who are absolutely supportive and communication is great both ways). I have regular meetings at least fortnightly and am very aware ds2 is different from his peers in some areas. He will run and hide at school when anxious. We are thankful that he isn't aggressive to other people. He doesn't understand not to call out although he's getting much better with that. He also finds sitting still really hard and a lot of the work isn't at his level. He has a 1-1 who has been with him since year r.

[2rebecca]

We rarely had other kids round because we both work and can't be bothered with it. They have all day at school to socialise. When they got to an age where they were able to invite other kids round themselves and get invited round it happened, but I never saw it as my job to persuade my kids to have assorted kids round for tea if they weren't asking for this to happen themselves.
My daughter gets invited to more parties because my son is quite geeky and girls seem to have more parties. I've never got upset about this and have just reassured my son that its not important if he was transiently upset.
I was a child who became more confident and sociable as she got older so I never saw not being the most popular class at primary school as a big deal, that's just how it is for bright introverted kids. My kids have been much happier at secondary school once classes got streamed and they specialised a bit and found kids who were like them.

[NearTheWindymill]

This makes me recall a siuation dd was in in reception/yr one though. There were two boys in the class who both liked her a lot. She is very calm and very kind. One had a statement for autism and his mum was open about it and worked with the school; the other had a mum who wouldn't accept her son was other than highly gifted. He was also violent and very difficult and had no boundaries - mum would arrive with a present for him when collecting from tea because he was so good. He would actually have been dreadfully behaved. He once sat under the table at teatime, making playdoh balls and lining them up, refusing to eat or behave in any way. Mum refused to believe he had any problems and it was all the fault of the school.

DD was persistently invited to his house because he tought her a great friend but actually he was hitting her, and pinching and kicking and although she continued to be nice to him, I had to get the school to intervene. The invitations kept coming though and I tried to be polite and said things like: "she has a lot on, and needs a couple of free nights a week", so diaries were brought out "she's got three activities and I have to run around after DS too", then it was well what about the holidays. It was so frustrtating that the mum didn't get the message and didn't back off. Eventually she actually said "are you saying she doesn't want to play with him". I'm afraid I said before I could stop myself well it would help if he didn't keep hitting her. And she stormed off. I had spent months trying to be tactful.

I'm not saying this is where you are OP but might it be worth having a coffee with the mum to explore and to find out if anything else is going on.

Eventually this boy left the school, I think the head might have insisted on interventions which the mum wouldn't accept. The mum organised a massive leaving party for the whole class and pointeedly left my daughter out. DD was heartbroken and had suffered quite a lot at this boy's hands literally and metaphorically.

I wondered too if the mum possibly had communication problems because she didn't pick up signals and said some quite outrageous things at PTA meetings etc.

I'm sure this isn't the same as your circs OP but it seemed relevant to share because not every "excuse" is unfounded. It sounds like you are supporting your son really well and that you aren't a barrier for him. I hope it all gets better for you and him.

She might just be an ill informed cow.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Bunt I would just leave it now, sad though it is, I don't think this mum wants to encourage a friendship between the boys. In time when he is much older, he will make more positive mature friendships that don't involve other parents interfering.

[DeWe]

The thing is when our dc don't get many party invites it isn't necessarily anything they've done or the parents/other children being mean. I've had 3 dc and they all operated differently.

Dd1: Got every party invite going-even those she wouldn't have called friends. She was often the only, or one of the only girls at a boy party, and got invited to both her class and the other class' girls parties. She sometimes had 2-3 at a weekend.

Dd2: Hardly got invited to any except her best friend.

Ds: Gets invited consistantly to a small group, but very rarely any others.

Actually dd1 would have said she had the smallest circle of friends and is the most shy and the least inclined to socialise from a not terribly socialble family. But she was quiet and kind, and I suspect she ended up being invitee number 8-10 on most people's list, but was number 1-2 on few.

Dd2: I could blame this on her special needs. She's missing a hand though, and I doubt it. There were parties where she was one of 2 girls not invited and things like that. What turned out (some people came to apologise) was that she had a very similar name to another in her class. For some reason the class called them both by the other girl's name-the girls involved thought it quite funny, and so parents didn't realise it was actually two girls-and if they did the invitation would be labelled with the other girl's name so it went to her. But in this happening, she got sort of forgotten because parents saw less of her at parties.

Ds: Is lively and excitable-he has a small group of close likeminded friends, and he reliably gets invited to theirs. He almost never gets invited to others-but he doesn't really mind. The only time he got upset was when he hadn't been invited to one girl's party whose invites went out before the holiday (Easter) and their friendship had only bloomed after the invites. Wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything to mum though.

Equally well playdates: I don't do many, partually because evenings tend to be a little hectic with 3 dc, two of whom have homework, and all 3 have clubs some evenings. Plus ds in particular is too tired and emotional when he gets home really. He needs down time and time on his own. He doesn't really enjoy the reality of going to play, although he loves it in theory. So I have refused playdates for him on that basis.
Dd1 also used to not always want to go. Not because she didn't like the other child, but she would get so wound up and scared, she didn't want to. If I knew the parent well then I'd get her through it, but if I didn't, yes, I did refuse (politely).
Dd2 would go to any happily.

[BuntCadger]

verbally I've given number and suggested meeting over holdiay/half terms which has been twice. then more recently I sent text.

[diddl]

Op, how many playdates has Harry been asked on & turned down?

[Aventurine]

Wise posts from Vicar and Bobot

[BuntCadger]

Sorry a bit garbled. just feeding smallest

[BuntCadger]

Dh had to lay with him tonight as he was upset over party thing i think. He's been having a tough time lately anyway with all changes anyway.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I agree power, I think mum has something to do with it, and she does nit want To encourage the friendship. I hope op text has given her some food for thought.

[PowerPantsRule]

I agree with Vicar. I think the refusal of a play date is telling - 'let's leave it for now' - she is saying no, not ever. Why, when the children play well together and like each other?

[ThatVikRinA22]

i think that perhaps the telling thing here is that the boys appear to get on well, they play together happily at school and "harry" had invited the Ops boy - i think the OPs mum is wondering whether or not prejudice is at play here.

and as a mother to a child on the spectrum i would be wondering the same.

it may be perfectly innocent - a set number of children invited and end of story.

but "harry" appears close to the OPs son, and this is the second time any attempt at socialisation out of school has been rebuffed.

id be thinking what the OP is thinking.

i think those saying suck it up are not fully au fait with what a child with SN actually goes through socially at school - and therefore by proxy the parents.

OP, nurture friendships for your ds out of school - my son used to go to swimming club (couldnt swim for toffee but made friends!) and marshall arts....
he also did horseriding for the disabled, and lots of out of school activities that meant he met and became friends with other kids of varying degrees of SN....

as they grow up they find others like them naturally.

[Grennie]

It wasnt a case that everyone else invited. The 6 year old went round inviting a lot of children, to what was a small party.

[captainbarnacle]

Of course you 'suck it up'. Do people really go around, demanding why Bobby wasn't invited to the most recent birthday party? Really? Because that seems so massively entitled to me. It is up to the birthday boy and girl and their parents to choose who they invite. It is not up to the rest of the parents to demand answers as to why their child hasn't been invited. Sheesh.

[captainbarnacle]

As far as I read, this isn't the case of him being the only child not invited - just it was a case of him seeing the friendship as more important to him than it was to the other boy. The 'whole class party' is what the OP's son had.

Yes. I console my child who has no one to play with at school, who doesn't get invited to 90% of the parties. But I don't text the mothers who are hosting parties, telling them how upset my DS is. Nothing is to be gained from that - nothing. And that is what this thread is about - not about whether everyone should be invited to a birthday party, but whether YABU to text a parent to say the lack of invitation (after the event!) has devastated your son. And such a text is pointless and guilt trippy and makes you look OTT and extremely high maintenance and I would avoid you from now on. It's not how to play things. Look after your son. Don't get involved in the decisions that other people make.

[Elderflowergranita]

Bobot, you're a most welcome voice of reason on this thread.

It saddens me to hear the chorus of 'suck it up' responses here.

[bobot]

Shouldn't it be up to everybody to try not to hurt people's feelings if they can help it?

[bobot]

No, Barnacle, the alternative is that you don't leave just one child in a class out, whether or not they have special needs.

[Elderflowergranita]

Ok, my perspective is that it won't kill any parent to have their child go on a play date/ invite a child to a party from time to time.

If my child were invited on a play date at that age, I certainly would have had them go along at least once.

All of you who think the op is being unreasonable: have you never Ben in a position where you've had to console a heartbroken child because they're the 'only' one not invited to something?

[ThatVikRinA22]

OP - i have a now 22 year old with AS. When he was diagnosed at 7 one of the suggestions from one of the professionals involved with him was to throw a party for his birthday and invite the entire class.

some children tore up their invites.
out of a class of 21 only 8 turned up.

DS had a very hard time with school - but it does get better. He made proper friends in his last 2 years at secondary, and made others at college and university.
he stays in touch with a few of them.
he is now living independently, in his own flat, and holds down a full time job in his specialism - IT.

it gets better.
hang on in there. i really do feel your pain and that of your boy - my ds was very much able to understand and it hurt him - i never did another birthday party.
we nurtured friendships he had with other children with similar needs to him at that age.
as he grew up people became more accepting and he made a more diverse friends group.

x

[captainbarnacle]

Not saying they can shrug it off - yes it isn't a nice feeling to be left out. But it isn't up to other parents to make your child feel included. It's nice if they can do it, but real life gets in the way. Parents who don't invite everyone to a birthday party or don't invite your child on a play date are NOT automatically nasty, bitches, fuckers etc. They are normal, human beings. And I do appreciate that small children, esp those with SN cannot have everything explained to them. But the alternative is what? All SN kids are invited to all birthday parties because otherwise you are a stuck up evil bitch?

[WorraLiberty]

Why Elderflower? Because I do think from her reply to the OP's text, that she sounds genuinely nice.

She could well have kicked off at the implication she left the OP's child out because he is autistic. Instead she calmly explained there were limited numbers.

She could have sent a mightily pissed off reply, telling the OP to get her facts straight but she didn't.