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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this mum how devastated our 6 year old is

291 replies

BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 11:54

My ds2 has high functioning autism. he's very affectionate and kind but often plays on his own but is very attached to a couple of kids. These children came to his party (whole class invited) and it was clear that they all got on well. One little boy, I'll call him harry, told ds2 he was invited to his party. no invite was ever received and we invited harry over to play which was declined by text saying "thanks but can we just leave it for now".

School have called to say ds2 inconsolable repeating it's too late it's too late. It appears harry had his party and he and other children have told ds2. This might seem minor but for ds2 it's a big big deal. He doesn't have play dates etc like other kids. He can only manage school part time and is being statemented. He Isn't naughty, he isn't a bad influence, he isn't violent, he simply cannot cope with the anxiety he feels and sensory processing issues.

I feel like I want to tell this parent and anyone else this as it simply isn't fair that they exclude him for being different Sad Sad

OP posts:
Countrywalks · 04/04/2014 13:47

I think you did the right thing texting Bunt, otherwise it would have kept going round and round in your head. Very sorry to read of this for you and your son. A very painful post and hopefully by you sharing it, others will read and reflect and consider more in their own RL. Hope you can put this behind you. I definitely would be thinking of taking my child on a little treat as a family.

KurriKurri · 04/04/2014 13:51

I think the point is not that OP's son wasn't invited Captain Barnacle, but that he was (verbally by Harry), for this little boy - as he has HFA and also because he's only six years old it is hard to understand that only written invitations count. That's a social rule that is hard for many little ones to grasp, especially if they have SN.

OP was not being entitled, and she is not asking that her son be invited out of 'pity' Hmm but pointing out to the other parent that in her son's case it is fairly important not to behave towards him in a way that will cause misunderstanding, because for him that will cause great upset and a much greater degree of devastation than it might for other children.

It sounds as if the other mum has taken that on board and her reply was a nice one IMO. If nothing else she can drum the message into her DS not to go around verbally inviting people as it may cause hurt if for some reason numbers turn out to be limited. He is little too and he made a mistake.

It's not actually difficult to take on board other people's needs when we communicate and interact with them, and surely everyone's aim in life is never to cause unnecessary hurt to others?
Blundering through life calling others entitled and 'loons' for trying to protect their children from avoidable pain is crass and arrogant IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2014 13:51

Captain it's not though to have a whole class party and leave 1 or 2 children out ( not that I am saying Harry's mum did). That is something you don't do.

littlemrssleepy · 04/04/2014 13:53

SallyMcGally I hope so! Its so political!!

Grennie · 04/04/2014 13:54

I am not sure what the other mum is supposed to have taken on? And notice how everyone is saying it is the mum's responsibility, not the dad's?

Her son invited lots of children verbally. He shouldn't have as his parents had already told him only a certain number can be invited. But then he is 6. This is the kind of thing 6 year olds do.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2014 13:54

Exactly kurri, great points. Even if Harry's mum tells him to to verbally invite children as for some might not understand that does not necessarily mean he us going to come to your party. A little consideration goes a long way!

maddening · 04/04/2014 13:57

Is there any way to check whether the whole class was invited?

SallyMcgally · 04/04/2014 14:02

Grennie - the OP accepts this. She says it was a nice text from the other boy's mother.

SallyMcgally · 04/04/2014 14:05

Kurri agree with every word.

captainbarnacle · 04/04/2014 14:07

The point is, you cannot protect them from pain caused by others. You have no control over the actions of others. sending text messages to guilt trip other parents will achieve nothing whatsoever. It will do nothing to protect them from pain.

You can protect them by explaining to them and talking and showing them that it's not the end of the world. By building up their resilience. And yes, that can start at the age of six.

tethersend · 04/04/2014 14:07

OP- as an aside, your son is entitled to 25 hours a week of education, no matter what.

If you want to home school, of course that is your choice. But if you do not wish to, the LA has to provide 25 hours of education. Part time timetables, whilst they may be useful in the short term, are a form of illegal exclusion, even with parental consent.

And the other parents are absolute fuckers. I'm sorry.

Grennie · 04/04/2014 14:09

Why are the other parents absolute fuckers? There is no evidence for that at all

tethersend · 04/04/2014 14:11

Sorry Grennie. That was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to reading the OP.

They may or may not be fuckers.

Sometimesbrunette · 04/04/2014 14:12

I'm sorry we are going to have to disagree on that one.

Its mean to exclude one child if it's a whole class party.

The parents can always check with the teacher that they have everyone.

Sparklingbrook · 04/04/2014 14:12

They may be just very unthinking...

brighteyedbusytailed · 04/04/2014 14:14

I think gamer chick has the right idea, soap drama squabbles to be avoided at all costs but don't allow her to get off scot free either.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 14:14

Kurri - that was a really good post and explained it all very well. Thank you.

woo woo - I can understand how hard it must of been for your friend, her ds and the other boy and his family. I can see that ds2 might do something similar and presently the school are fab and I do check that everything ok etc. I meet with them literally every 2 weeks or more as I part HE so we have planning progress meetings.

re the cubs suggestions, i'm not sure ds2 suited tbh but we are trying rugby this Sunday for him. fingers crossed it goes ok

OP posts:
PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 04/04/2014 14:16

Besides the what / if arguments etc..

OP has just been told her son is really upset. Even more, that he is possibly in part upset because of something relating to his ASD (whether exclusion or lack of social understanding on his part), something she cannot change and something she probably, like many of us, find is root of many worries; like many of us again, she may find she is especially protective towards her son- I know I am.

So I think this is a perfectly understandable thread, whether or not others would do or feel the same.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/04/2014 14:16

Atleast the parents turned out to be reasonable and it was likely just a misunderstanding.

My Nephew is Autistic and uses touch to verbalise himself as he cant really speak like an average 5 yr old.

My Dsis some of the parents at the school look at him like hes a freak, hes not a freak, he just cant speak.

Also, he gets no help at school, no speech therapy, the school cant handle his meltdowns but hes not bad enough to warrant sending him to a special needs school.

They suspect my DD as being autistic, just a higher functioning level than my Nephew.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/04/2014 14:17

*said

PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 04/04/2014 14:17

If the rugby isn't OK ask at the council about SN Sports, we went to SN Rugby for many eyars and it was fab, as was the socialisation with other parents in similar boats on the sidelines!

Grennie · 04/04/2014 14:18

There is no evidence that it was a whole class party. In fact all the evidence points the other way. It was the OP who had a whole class party.

Original poster
BuntCadger · 04/04/2014 14:19

tether - I'm aware he is legally entitled but he is not actually able to cope. its not that the school are failing it's simply that ds2 cannot manage more. If he was put in school full time hus behaviour would deteriorate and his anxiety would go through roof. His anxiety is already high at the moment and is struggling. It would be more convenient not to HE at all (I have a younger dd and 10 week old ds3) it's not about convenience. I have to do what's right for him (and of course all our children)

OP posts:
PeachyTheSanctiMoanyArse · 04/04/2014 14:20

TaliZorah, again look at Base provision if there is any in the area (see above for an explanation), as it's an excellent midway between MS and SN School, have a look at the IPSEA site for help in getting that if needed (or extra support), and insist on SLT referral and assessment, sounds as if he would benefit hugely: a desire to communicate is often key, and touching to do it is exactly that.

cerebra can help with speech therapy as well : [https://www.cerebra.org.uk/english/gethelp/speechandlanguagetherapy/pages/default.aspx here], they do grants for it.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/04/2014 14:20

Exactly thersend that's what I thought. Your ds is not getting his full enducation entitlement. Is there not an Autistic school in your area op, or school with a specialist Autistic department. My dd specialist Autistic school is the bomb and caters for Autism across the spectrum. A little boy who was in dd class in mainstream infant school, was just doing mornings as the school, as they did nit have the resources for him. His parents were not happy, he is doing very well at an mainstream infant school with Autistic department.

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