AIBU to think the school should have told DP about his kids parents evening?

[littlejessie]

A-ages since I last posted, but thought this might be the place to ask! My DP has two sons, has been very involved in their lives since separating from their mum when they were small. They are both in primary school. Pre-school, they were with us around 75% of time outside time spent with child minder, and since school has started, they come to us every weekend (mostly).

He's a good Dad, generous financially to XDP and very involved in all aspects of the kids lives.

A couple of weeks ago we heard through XDP there was a parent's evening the following week. This was a surprise as he's signed up to the Parentmail email system and we understood he'd get this kind of information directly (nothing had arrived).

He emailed the school, just in case there was some kind of issue:

Dear (school secretary),

I was informed tonight that there is a parent’s evening for DS1 and DS2 next Thursday.

I haven’t been notified of this by the school. Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?

Thanks,

(DP)

and this is the response that arrived:

"I will try (DP) but that information goes home via school bags, it's not something that is communicated by Parentmail as it is individual to each child. The boys appointments are 4.30pm for DS1 and 5.50pm for DS2. I will let their teachers know you need to be told of meetings separately.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated - best if you do this as there's no way I'll remember! This is what we do for several parents in similar circumstances to yourself. We will try to keep you in the loop in future.

Kind regards

(school secretary)"

AIBU thinking this response isn't quite right? Surely the school have some kind of obligation to keep him posted about this kind of thing?

But I was making the point about the subsequent parent's evening slips which are sent home via the child, unless we have been specifically informed that there's a serious problem. Everybody seems to manage with that, and get themselves along on the right day, usually together.

Well, great if it works. But how do you know it's going to work? If you send the slip home with the child and you know he only lives with on parent, you have absolutely no way of knowing that the other parent will find out. And, under DfE guidance, you have to make sure that any NRP with parental responsibility does find out. So it's up to the school to get the information to him or her.

Although I have to say, this thread is a bit of an eye opener as to how much bad practice is still out there.

No, we need to inform all parents that there's a parents evening and they should contact the school in order to make an appointment. If that NRP has put themselves on the contact list, then they're as much in the loop as the RP.

How would you suggest, in a diverse school of 1600 children, we keep track of which parent is doing what? Why is it not on to publish information and expect parents to keep track of what is going on for their own child/ren?

Firstly, it's perfectly "on" to publish information on websites etc, provided that you do that. However, what has happened in this case is that the school didn't. Secondly, schools don't have to keep track of "which parent is doing what". What they do have to keep track of is details of NRPs who have parental responsibility and who must therefore be given important information about their children. It's no different from, for instance, keeping track of children on the child protection register, or children with SEN.

"My dsd has told me at 7am that it's wear purple day/parents coming in to see a show day/sports day etc and we haven't had a clue"

My school sometimes decides this stuff last minute anyway - nothing to do with residency!!

Coldlight, it really isn't hard. Schools only have a duty to keep NRPs informed if they have been officially told that the parents are separated and the NRP has parental responsibility, and of course if they have the NRPs contact details. If they're not officially told, the duty to keep them informed doesn't kick in, so they don't have to worry about "fluid" situations etc.

mousmous "and slots for patnt's evening are organised via the school secretary who has all the mail adresses."

Seriously? That sounds a terrible idea and a massive workload for her! For a start, in a large school it would be totally unmanageable (960 appointments, all neatly dovetailing with siblings??), but I prefer to manage my own 'bookings.' Sorry folks, but there are some parents who I would never put at last orders, for instance, or next to another family and so on. I can also timetable in a break when I want, or put more appointments on one evening than the other if it suits me better for some reason.

Why b didn't mum tell him

Sorry, but you might just need to play nice for a whole twenty minutes. Alternatively, you have have ten minutes each if you really can't stand to be in the same room together.

I am a teacher and I am divorced in particularly traumatic circumstances. Without going into sordid detail, there is no court order in place, nor any violence or other problem that precludes my ex and I being in the same room together. However, there is no way on earth that we could attend a parent's evening together. I can only say that I whole-heartedly appreciate my children's school unquestioning response to this (I don't need to be explaining myself to anyone, thanks) and the work that they put in seeing us separately. I will always go the extra mile for separated parents of my students because I understand that it's not always as simple as 'playing nice for twenty minutes'.

That said, I am not my ex's secretary and I am not arranging his appointments for him. His children, his responsibility. It's not the school's responsibility to keep him updated on his children's activities and progress. He's a grown man, he can do that himself.

clam it seems to work at this school. but tbh it's a relatively small school.

blimey

my kids school offers seperate appointments for families where parents are not together and posts letters to non resident parents. i dont know if that is going above and beyond but it seems very sensible and reasonable to me.

and seperate parents evenings would be unfeasible if all seperated parents did it, but they dont- only 1 child in my dds class of 27 actually utilises this- the little boy goes along to both.

Sorry mousmous did my maths wrong (is late!) "Only" 480 appointments, not 960. Was getting muddled with how many separate texts would have to be sent if everyone wanted individual confirmation of their time.
Still impractical, however.
Someone needs to be buying your school sec a bunch of flowers!

One or two parents are fine, and a parent who came to me with genuine concerns would likely get a separate appointment. But I've had to take a bit of a hard line to try and get people to stop just requesting appointments because they prefer not to see their ex (for no reason other than they are the ex). That's a lot of extra time for appointments if everyone wants one. A few is fine, but every parent requesting one is unnecessary. More than half of my students have separated parents.

That said, I am not my ex's secretary and I am not arranging his appointments for him. His children, his responsibility. It's not the school's responsibility to keep him updated on his children's activities and progress. He's a grown man, he can do that himself.

But they presumably keep you updated without you having to keep asking them? So why shouldn't they update your ex?

School response is perfectly reasonable. The school aren't' there to babysit your dp, if he is that friendly with his his ex, she could easily relay the info via a shared diary and or email/text.

Or another alternative is, once mum read the letter, made a note of dates, she passes it on to dad for his records.

In a friendly co parenting relationship, it isn't hard to sort this stuff.

The nrp has not asked the school to baby sit them they have asked to be put on a mailing list hardly a difficult or onourus request

Telling the rp to pass on the details to the nrp may not work in many cases and that is a reality and a problem for both child and nrp

No, differentnameforthis, it's not...but that's hardly the point.

clam, I remember you from days of yore! To clarify- he hasn't dropped of any list, or failed to supply contact details to the school. In fact he has been proactive in communicating with them - but still he wasn't made aware of the kids parents evening, although their mum was.

fedupbutfine's post illustrates perfectly why schools cannot and shoul not depend on RPs to pass important information on to NRPs.

The discussion seems to have grown arms and legs a little - separate appointments for separated parents is another subject altogether. Again- our school is much the same as fedupbutfine's in offering the choice which I think is the right thing. Not all break ups are civilised and safe.

In reply to everyone clamouring about HOW the school inform both parents - that's up to the school to work out. Having too many parents to communicate with is not a valid reason for failing to communicate with a committed, involved NRP who (like many NRPs) may not receive important information from their ex, for whatever reason.

In effect, generating paperwork for something like this could be as simple as creating labels from a spreadsheet - I'd be surprised if there wasn't similar technology available for individualised email/text messages (as email marketing companies prove there is every day!).

Exactly, ivykaty44.

Parents evenings aside, I think the NRP is going to miss a lot of information from the school as time goes on. In secondary, if a kid is misbehaving, I might phone home for a chat. I phone one parent. If I send a reward postcard home, I send it to their residence. If SIMS says 'copies of correspondence to X', that usually only means reports.

Maybe this had already been pointed out but the school DID inform the dad of the dates. The secretary said in her response that the dates had gone out in the newsletter. So while he may not have had the specific appointment times he did have the dates so could just ask for the time. Job done. Sounds like the school are doing a good job of communicating.

Yes I think there's a limit to what can be issued in duplicate as they get so much at PS..we obviously see what's in school bags on Fridays and can see homework then too, which is helpful.

I do still maintain anything particular to the specific progress of a child with separated parents should be relayed to both parents (parents evenings, for example), in the interests of the child. Both parents need to be given the chance to feed into what the school is doing, and support it at home.