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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the school should have told DP about his kids parents evening?

210 replies

littlejessie · 02/04/2014 12:53

A-ages since I last posted, but thought this might be the place to ask! My DP has two sons, has been very involved in their lives since separating from their mum when they were small. They are both in primary school. Pre-school, they were with us around 75% of time outside time spent with child minder, and since school has started, they come to us every weekend (mostly).

He's a good Dad, generous financially to XDP and very involved in all aspects of the kids lives.

A couple of weeks ago we heard through XDP there was a parent's evening the following week. This was a surprise as he's signed up to the Parentmail email system and we understood he'd get this kind of information directly (nothing had arrived).

He emailed the school, just in case there was some kind of issue:

Dear (school secretary),

I was informed tonight that there is a parent’s evening for DS1 and DS2 next Thursday.

I haven’t been notified of this by the school. Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?

Thanks,

(DP)

and this is the response that arrived:

"I will try (DP) but that information goes home via school bags, it's not something that is communicated by Parentmail as it is individual to each child. The boys appointments are 4.30pm for DS1 and 5.50pm for DS2. I will let their teachers know you need to be told of meetings separately.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated - best if you do this as there's no way I'll remember! This is what we do for several parents in similar circumstances to yourself. We will try to keep you in the loop in future.

Kind regards

(school secretary)"

AIBU thinking this response isn't quite right? Surely the school have some kind of obligation to keep him posted about this kind of thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
littlejessie · 02/04/2014 20:18

Vestandknickers - it's perfectly standard for some sets of parents that they get separate appointments...this is all down to individual circumstances of course and better all round if avenues of communication are such that a single appointment would suffice, but this isn't always the case. Some break ups are acrimonious and an ideal situation can't exist.
It's the parents choice whether or not to have a joint appointment.

Gosh I am so surprised, and in fact shocked by some of the archaic, sexist and bullish attitudes on this thread.

Mothers aren't the only parents to be entitled to be kept informed by schools - and I AM a mother who is separated from her DD's Dad.

I would never want his role in her life to be nullified in this way.

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 02/04/2014 20:27

OP, didn't you say right at the beginning that your DP's ex did pass on information about parents' evening and that your DP did attend?

If that's the case, I'm struggling to see what the problem is here Confused

Original poster
littlejessie · 02/04/2014 20:32

Christ almighty! I'm not sure how much more simply I can make my point without doing it in single syllables...

My point in that we are lucky...other NRPs may not be in a situation whereby they could rely on their XPs to pass such important information on.

Given the fact he has equal PR, I understood the school had an obligation to accommodate his request to be informed about his kids.

Perhaps I'm mad and wrong and you are all right Hmm

OP posts:
clam · 02/04/2014 20:39

OP, you insist on missing the point. Your DP can be informed about his children - although it seems he needs to reactivate the request to be on their email list. No one's disputing that point, apart from those others who are also missing the point.

nkf · 02/04/2014 20:40

Is he on a website wondering why he wasn't informed? Or just you? Are you really worried about other other parents or is this some sort of annoyance about not being the main parent? The problem with email is that usually in primary school, kids have their own consultation time. There are many issues with being the non resident parent. If I was one and I thought that my ex was useless, I would be very on the case. But that's not happened here.

Original poster
littlejessie · 02/04/2014 20:41

No I'm not missing the point- the response he received was non-committal to say the least, and his previous request for information hasn't led to anything (hence the OP).

OP posts:
Original poster
littlejessie · 02/04/2014 20:43

Don't typecast me as an interfering SM...I wondered how long it'd be until someone said it out loud!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 02/04/2014 20:45

if everyone received a text about parents evening then letters in book bags wouldn't get lost and all parents would get the text message if they signed up for it.

Poor communication from the school and certainly don't agree with the attitude they have better things to do than communicate with parents who have split up.

If schools want parents on side and money this is a good example how not to go about it.

Every parent it is important

clam · 02/04/2014 20:46

Nearly everyone on here has said that they thought the secretary's response was pleasantly friendly and helpful.
Sometimes we all, male or female, school or anywhere else, have to follow up requests for things.
You seem determined to make an issue of this where there really isn't one. If he gets himself back on the mailing list, he'll be in the same boat as the rest of us.

Original poster
littlejessie · 02/04/2014 20:46

Thank you. Every parent IS important.

OP posts:
clam · 02/04/2014 20:49

You think that schools should send individual texts to all individual parents about each individual parent's evening appointment? In our school that would mean 960 separate texts!!!

PoppySeed2014 · 02/04/2014 20:52

clam not all schools will put more than one email address per child on their system...

Of course parents should be proactive. But schools should communicate equally with each parent (assuming they're both involved in their child's life).

I just imagine how furious I'd be if I missed so ethnic at my children's school (however minor) because the school had only informed the other parent.

It's so important to remember that the child comes first here. And 99% of the time, what's best for the child is for both parents to be equally informed and involved with their education.

vestandknickers · 02/04/2014 20:53

Yes. Every parent is important.

Every parent also has a responsibility to get themselves on the text list so they can receive notifications and to ring the school if they feel they've missed something.

Non resident parents need to talk to resident parents if they want to know every teeny bit of information that gets put into book bags. (Although personally I could live without knowing that Tilly has lost her PE kit of that someone may have had head lice last week)

To go back to your original question, the school secretary was very helpful and addressed your DP's questions adequately.

You did come on here asking for opinions. You seem slightly shocked that people have offered them though.

PoppySeed2014 · 02/04/2014 20:53

So ethnic = something. Great autocorrect!

PoppySeed2014 · 02/04/2014 20:55

vest I can do without knowing that there are head live in my dsd's class too. Except I pick her up twice a week and either my dh or I wash her hair when she's with us. And we'd like to know if there were nits so we can comb her!

That's the thing, if a child is spending time with both parents then BOTH parents need to know all the mundane boring stuff.

Nennypops · 02/04/2014 20:58

You seem determined to make an issue of this where there really isn't one. If he gets himself back on the mailing list, he'll be in the same boat as the rest of us.

But isn't the whole point that that is exactly what he tried to do? He politely requested the school to make sure that he was notified directly, the secretary told him only that they would "try" to do so. That simply doesn't comply with clear DfE directives.

UniS · 02/04/2014 20:58

wow you get weeks of notice about parents evening. we get 9 days notice, then it was cancelled on the day as teacher off sick.

clam · 02/04/2014 21:00

"not all schools will put more than one email address per child on their system"

I can't believe that in 2014, but if it's the case then THAT needs to change.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2014 21:03

vest this dad got himself on the mailing list and then was told the school hadn't got time to tell him everything

he can't ring the school every day incase he has missed something they would soon get pissed off with a 9am phone call every morning - but I guess it would make the point if every RP telephoned schools every day to check if they had missed something - those schools that have websites and upload information there wouldn't have any extra phone calls...

the school needs to sort out their communication and act in a professional manner

PoppySeed2014 · 02/04/2014 21:05

clam yes. Yes it does. But sadly it is the case. There is no text system at my dsd's school. It's mainly forms in bags which is hit and miss at the best of times.

clam · 02/04/2014 21:05

"Notified directly" of what? This is where the waters are muddied. Did he ask specifically to be put on the mailing list (again), or to be given an additional specific notification of his parent evening appointment? If it's the latter, then it's not surprising that the secretary could not commit to that as a definite, as it would be down to the teacher, not her.

ivykaty44 · 02/04/2014 21:06

clam I receive between 1- 3 text some days from the school and so do the other 1200 students parents, we can also look at the website for information about what is happening at the school, it is all put on the website - no letters home unless we are text to tell us so, and even then there will be a copy on the website.

Nennypops · 02/04/2014 21:06

You think that schools should send individual texts to all individual parents about each individual parent's evening appointment? In our school that would mean 960 separate texts!!!

No. They just need to make sure that they send individual texts to each parent where they are separated but both parents have parental rights. Or they could just send the paper slips home in the book bags but text or email the non resident parents.

I'm still mystified that people think it's so unreasonable to expect schools to obey the law. Would you all be so sympathetic to the schools if they decided it was too much trouble to mark homework, or refer children for special needs assessments, or write school reports, or do risk assessments before school trips?

StealthPolarBear · 02/04/2014 21:08

" Add message | Report | Message poster littlejessie Wed 02-Apr-14 13:55:44
Not generally, but she's been good about informing him about parent's evenings by and large.

I think my point of view is that he shouldn't HAVE to rely on her doing this - because he's their parent too."

Maybe he should collect them from school and check their bags

charitymum · 02/04/2014 21:08

Not read all posts but you are not at all being unreasonable.

School should be ensuring such essential information as parent evenings reaches both parents. Yes his ex should have told him but school can't rely on that.