AIBU to think the school should have told DP about his kids parents evening?

[littlejessie]

A-ages since I last posted, but thought this might be the place to ask! My DP has two sons, has been very involved in their lives since separating from their mum when they were small. They are both in primary school. Pre-school, they were with us around 75% of time outside time spent with child minder, and since school has started, they come to us every weekend (mostly).

He's a good Dad, generous financially to XDP and very involved in all aspects of the kids lives.

A couple of weeks ago we heard through XDP there was a parent's evening the following week. This was a surprise as he's signed up to the Parentmail email system and we understood he'd get this kind of information directly (nothing had arrived).

He emailed the school, just in case there was some kind of issue:

Dear (school secretary),

I was informed tonight that there is a parent’s evening for DS1 and DS2 next Thursday.

I haven’t been notified of this by the school. Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?

Thanks,

(DP)

and this is the response that arrived:

"I will try (DP) but that information goes home via school bags, it's not something that is communicated by Parentmail as it is individual to each child. The boys appointments are 4.30pm for DS1 and 5.50pm for DS2. I will let their teachers know you need to be told of meetings separately.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated - best if you do this as there's no way I'll remember! This is what we do for several parents in similar circumstances to yourself. We will try to keep you in the loop in future.

Kind regards

(school secretary)"

AIBU thinking this response isn't quite right? Surely the school have some kind of obligation to keep him posted about this kind of thing?

Perhaps you're right and he should crawl under a stone and not bother in future But who has suggested he do that though?

Thank God for someone with common sense Nennypops - I too am staggered by some of these responses.

It is tricky for schools dealing with separated parents and it extremely time-consuming too; probably about half the parents are now in this situation. The school secretary was extremely helpful. I suggest your partner does something very unusual and innovative in future; telephone the school each term, request that all relevant dates and information are sent to him, and, oh yes, send a supply of stamped addressed envelopes so that he will receive the information direct. No more bother with book bags, school web sites or parentmail.

For "healthy, enlightened" etc read "spoonfeeding, bowing down to all parents as consumers"...

Why your precious partner can't make a modicum of effort rather than you expect the school to do everything is beyond me.

Just as a matter of interest, ilovesooty, do you make all the running when it comes to finding out about school events, or do you assume that you will be informed via letters from the school?

But the school do send out mass notifications of important dates in the newsletter (which I agree is an issue to be raised if he isn't getting one).

What is individual to the child is their specific time so is a little harder to communicate on mass. Depends on their IT set up and admin support, but even a simple mail merge or mass texting means entering that information at some point which isn't a small task (and open to errors) and I'm guessing is managed by individual teachers to spread the workload.

If they invite people to pick their own time slots then, again, all he needs to do is be aware of the general dates and contact the school (like everyone else) to book himself in.

I suggest your partner does something very unusual and innovative in future; telephone the school each term, request that all relevant dates and information are sent to him, and, oh yes, send a supply of stamped addressed envelopes so that he will receive the information direct. No more bother with book bags, school web sites or parentmail.

So I take it you think every parent should do this? Obviously there is no reason why it should be confined to separated parents. I'm sure the school will love storing all those envelopes and marrying them up with the relevant letters.

Or, of course, they could just automatically send things out by email and text or via something like Parentmail, and make sure that both parents are included in the contact lists.

Why your precious partner can't make a modicum of effort rather than you expect the school to do everything is beyond me.

If you're concerned about NRPs taking up school time by wanting to be "spoon-fed", then I'm sure you have the brains to realize that it would actually be far, far, far easier for them to make one simple adjustment to their mailing/text list than it would be to have him and every other NRP in the school ringing up every day just in case there was something they needed to know. In a larger secondary school this could mean up to 500 parents needing to ring for info. It would be Bedlam.

Not to mention that NRPs have as much legal and moral right to be involved in their child's education as RPs.

Why your precious partner can't make a modicum of effort rather than you expect the school to do everything is beyond me.

Really? Is there any need to be rude & insulting or are you just a nasty piece of work in general?

Given that a lot of separated couples wouldn't spit on each other, let alone talk to each other, I don't think the OP has raised an unreasonable point.

Hopefully none of you will discover what it's like to play silly games with an Ex via access, schools or meetings.....

Depends on their IT set up and admin support, but even a simple mail merge or mass texting means entering that information at some point which isn't a small task (and open to errors) and I'm guessing is managed by individual teachers to spread the workload.

It absolutely isn't either a difficult task or one that is normally left to individual teachers. It would normally be done by admin staff, and an increasing number of schools have separate IT support to help.

Op, some replies have been so harsh!!!

It has taken 3 years of arguing with my dsd's school to get them to send information to BOTH parents.

The person who suffers is the child. If I have another "are you coming to my assembly tomorrow?" conversation when no one has bloody told me about an assembly then I'll scream!

The school only emails one parent per child. It's so crap for the children who have parents who don't get on/communicate well/are forgetful.

Letters in the school bag only go to the parent who is collecting the child that day.

I'm so frustrated by the lack of sympathy and understanding that has been shown on this thread. Yes, the school secretary was helpful but a nr parent should have to stalk the school for information any more than a nrp.

It's not in the child's best interests to let anything slip through the net for EITHER parent.

My children go to a different school which posts information every half term and emails the rest. It's simple. No one misses out. It's normal for both parents to be emailed information - whether they're together or separated.

Op, you have my sympathy and understanding.

A nr parent SHOULDN'T have to stalk the school. Sorry..

Parent mail is only for mass communication and not suitable for individual communication.

It's fair for the school to expect parents to communicate and query specifics relating to their child.

That's why it's fair that parents should be utilising the info in parent mail and contact the school if required for their needs. Parent mail would have forwarded newsletters with the dates of parents evenings and it's up to the parent to arrange appointments, not for the school to chase those who do not.

nennypops, I did put in the disclaimer it depends on the set up the school have

I've temped in places that still view a fax machine with suspicion, it's not right but sometimes you have to work with what you've got if you want a certain outcome in a decent time frame i.e contact the school before the dates in the newsletter.

As a comparison some organisations take data protection to a ridiculous level. The NHS trust I work in won't allow us to use text messages or email to communicate with patients. I live under a different trust which has embraced them whole heartedly. I get it's frustrating, but all you can do is keep highlighting the issue at the same time as working with the processes in place.

Even when they do take suggestions on board it'll take time to implement so the same issues will crop up (avoidably) again and again.

For someone who actively wants to be involved, reading a newsletter and sending an email isn't particularly draining.

joysmum the issue for us has been that my dh hasn't contacted at all about anything in the past.

Parents evenings, assemblies, school trips, non uniform days, nothing. At all. He was advised to check the school website but only a few dates are ever on there (it's crap) and nothing specific to dsd's class.

We just wanted to get the same information emailed to us that miraculously got emailed to dsd's Mum.

And as a pp said, how annoying for the school if parents were constantly calling just in case there was something they should know!

Apparently, non resident parents can ask for important correspondence to be sent to them directly, IMHO it never works. The poor school secretary is always far too busy to remember about particular ore specific requests.

It's fair for the school to expect parents to communicate and query specifics relating to their child.

No, it really isn't. Schools cannot ignore the reality that some separated parents just won't communicate with each other, and they can get into very hot water indeed if they act on that basis and as a result important information doesn't reach the non-resident parent.

For someone who actively wants to be involved, reading a newsletter and sending an email isn't particularly draining.

So what do you suggest should happen when the non-resident parent doesn't receive the newsletter? Or if the vital information s/he needs isn't in the newsletter?

OP the first thing DP needs to do is find out why the newsletter isn't on the school website. The current one should be, and archived previous copies should be. There should also be a school calendar with term dates and important events on it.

If the school don't want all this publicly available they should set up a password protected parent portal.

I can go to the parent portal and see the daily messages, my DCs attendance record, their reports and loads of school information. This is a big school so there are economies of scale, but surely even the smallest primary will have a website now.

So what do you suggest should happen when the non-resident parent doesn't receive the newsletter? Or if the vital information s/he needs isn't in the newsletter?

As someone else has said, ring the school at the start of each term and ask when the parent consultations will be. It is hardly a secret that they are held once a term so not too tricky to find out for yourself exactly when they will be.

I can see both sides of this.

It is a frequent source of frustration to NRPs that they are very much out of the loop when it comes to being aware of school events. In many cases the relationship breakdown between the parents is such that information simply will not be relayed, and that's often not fair on the NRP or the child. Given that the number of children brought up in families where mum and dad no longer live together is increasing, I feel this is something schools need to recognise.

At the same time, it is not the school's job to pick up the pieces where parents are unable to work together effectively for the benefit of their child. My school is not particularly technologically advanced (in fact it's living in the dark ages really) but it does have it's termly newsletter available online, as I believe do the majority of schools. Parents' evenings and anything of significance is contained in this, so for anyone who is interested enough to find out, the dates will not come as a surprise, even if the times need confirming nearer the time. Many NRPs can bypass the RP completely in this respect and without needing the school to take responsibility for contacting them.

I don't think they did anything wrong. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
I tell my ex everything and email over all school reports. He's invited to parents evenings too.

vestandknickers it's not just parents evenings though. It's non uniform day, Uganda day, natural history museum trip forms, readathon day etc etc...

You know, all the things that BOTH parents may well be involved with?!

My dsd has told me at 7am that it's wear purple day/parents coming in to see a show day/sports day etc and we haven't had a clue. Nothing on the school website, nothing from her Mum. And believe me, I've done everything I can to improve communication because having a sobbing 5 year old realise that Daddu can't come to sports day (because he didn't KNOW, but could have taken a day off if he'd had notice) is pretty harsh on the child.

"So what do you suggest should happen when the non-resident parent doesn't receive the newsletter? Or if the vital information s/he needs isn't in the newsletter?

As someone else has said, ring the school at the start of each term and ask when the parent consultations will be. It is hardly a secret that they are held once a term so not too tricky to find out for yourself exactly when they will be."

So, in a school with 1000 pupils, there are likely to be at least 300 with separated parents. Just how welcome do you imagine it would be to the school to have, say, 200 calls at the beginning of every term? Surely it would take far less time for them to set up a system so the information is sent out to them automatically?

And why should only non-resident parents have to do this? Why shouldn't resident parents have to?

The simple fact is that DfE guidance very clearly says that they must tell non-resident parents about important meetings, and parents' evenings do come within that category. So, contrary to what Dahlen says, it really is the school's job to communicate when parents don't do so, and in part that is what they are funded to do. It's just as much part of their job as teaching the kids, and it really doesn't matter that it's a little bit inconvenient.