AIBU to think the school should have told DP about his kids parents evening?

[littlejessie]

A-ages since I last posted, but thought this might be the place to ask! My DP has two sons, has been very involved in their lives since separating from their mum when they were small. They are both in primary school. Pre-school, they were with us around 75% of time outside time spent with child minder, and since school has started, they come to us every weekend (mostly).

He's a good Dad, generous financially to XDP and very involved in all aspects of the kids lives.

A couple of weeks ago we heard through XDP there was a parent's evening the following week. This was a surprise as he's signed up to the Parentmail email system and we understood he'd get this kind of information directly (nothing had arrived).

He emailed the school, just in case there was some kind of issue:

Dear (school secretary),

I was informed tonight that there is a parent’s evening for DS1 and DS2 next Thursday.

I haven’t been notified of this by the school. Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?

Thanks,

(DP)

and this is the response that arrived:

"I will try (DP) but that information goes home via school bags, it's not something that is communicated by Parentmail as it is individual to each child. The boys appointments are 4.30pm for DS1 and 5.50pm for DS2. I will let their teachers know you need to be told of meetings separately.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated - best if you do this as there's no way I'll remember! This is what we do for several parents in similar circumstances to yourself. We will try to keep you in the loop in future.

Kind regards

(school secretary)"

AIBU thinking this response isn't quite right? Surely the school have some kind of obligation to keep him posted about this kind of thing?

RedFocus it's great that it works for you. But there's a child in my dsd's class whose parents do not speak at all. Nothing gets passed between them re school. Utterly ridiculous and selfish behaviour on their part, yes. But their poor child is left trying to remember things for both homes and if the school just f*ing emailed both parents it would save a lot of stress!

Sorry. Just really touched a nerve here. Life can be challenging enough when you have two homes and I do think school should treat both parents equally.

The school newsletter should be on the website. At the beginning of each H year the school should update contact details and ensure that if required both rp and nrp have full access to all necessary information via the parent portal.

Of course a caring, involved nrp has the right to access all the information relevant to their child. What irritated me was hearing of the school secretary's efforts to help and how rude and dismissive the OP was of her intervention.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated

Did he not read the school newsletter then? If he had he would have known when parents evening was approaching.

Thank God for someone with common sense Nennypops - I too am staggered by some of these responses.

Oh, it's one of those threads where only opinions that match the OPs are sensible and everyone else is an idiot.

Nice.

I 'm assuming that Mum has to 'pop in and remind her' to sort out her appointment times too then

Oh no I forgot, schools only inform the 'important' parent as standard. The other parent has to grovel ask repeatedly if they want to be kept in the loop as regards their child's education.

I am the rp of my dd1, and I used to have to pop in and ask when parents evening slots were, or for infant school I had to sign up on a list on the classroom door - impossible because I was at work and never SAW the flaming classroom door!!

Some schools just aren't enlightened about letting ANY parent know about important dates, others are fantastic (the junior school used to text me on the day to remind me).

My current school has an email list where both parents can be attached to each child and both recieve any information that is sent by email. If communication is bad between parents there is space on the information form to request separate copies of documents for separated parents and it happens. We don't allow separate appointments for parents evenings unless there is a threat of violence because we don't have time to accommodate that without meaning that some children don't get to have an appointment at all, we're perfectly happy to give parents a ring and talk about their child another time, but not separate appointments during the parents' evening.

What I should of said at the beginning was 'I am lucky because I share all info with my ex' so I have no idea of the workings of separated parents at my children's school and my ex didn't need to sign up to receive it all as I do all the leg work.
But I do believe the school secretary didn't do anything wrong as she is basically just following rules. If your boyfriend is really unhappy then perhaps it's something he should take up with the head teacher. Maybe get some other NRP's involved.

The school clearly isn't that geared up to online communication for ANY parents - resident or non resident if they're relying on pupil post which they seem to be. So OP your dp isn't really being victimised at all, no more than the RP with the kid that leaves paperwork in his tray. Parents just have to make a bit of a effort and be proactive about being involved, don't blame or rely on the poor school secretary who is just doingher best.

It's easy enough if emails are sent out I would have thought as both parents can be put on a list.

As regards a parents evening though, if the parents aren't on such terms that one is telling the other, should the nrp be informed so that they can also go at a different time to the other parent?

Good lord woman, what do you want - blood? The mum needs a reminder that if it comes home in the book bag then dad doesn't know. The school doesn't need to sort this, the parents do.

Of course a caring, involved nrp has the right to access all the information relevant to their child. What irritated me was hearing of the school secretary's efforts to help and how rude and dismissive the OP was of her intervention.

Where was she rude and dismissive? All she's done is make a mild suggestion here that the response wasn't quite right.

The point is really that the school secretary shouldn't be put in that position, because any well run school has the systems in place so that non-resident parents are kept properly informed.

As regards a parents evening though, if the parents aren't on such terms that one is telling the other, should the nrp be informed so that they can also go at a different time to the other parent?

Yes, because teachers have got nothing better to do than say the same thing twice because two adults cannot share information about children they chose to have together.

Many schools have the newsletters on their website.

If the NRP has PR the school has a duty to keep them fully informed. This school needs to rethink their approach.

But I do believe the school secretary didn't do anything wrong as she is basically just following rules.

No, she isn't following the rules. DfE guidance is perfectly clear that non-resident parents must be kept informed. It's not her fault that she isn't following the rules, she probably hasn't been told, but really the school does need to get its act together.

Parents just have to make a bit of a effort and be proactive about being involved, don't blame or rely on the poor school secretary who is just doing her best.

Again, DfE guidance is perfectly clear that this is the school's duty first and foremost. And really, no-one ever seems to suggest that resident parents should be jumping though all the hoops that they expect the OP's dp to deal with. Why exactly do people suggest that it's OK for the school to decide that only one parent is allowed to have important communications while the other one has to scramble around hoping that he'll find out eventually? How many people on this thread who are enthusiastically supporting the school would accept a situation where a school said to all parents "Tough, we're telling you nothing, it's up to you to find out and sort it out for yourself"? And if you wouldn't accept that, why should non-resident parents be discriminated against?

Good lord woman, what do you want - blood? The mum needs a reminder that if it comes home in the book bag then dad doesn't know. The school doesn't need to sort this, the parents do.

So how do you suggest the dad finds out if the mum forgets to tell him or refuses to do so? And OP doesn't want blood, she wants no more than a system for letting the father know - which the school could organise by doing two minutes' work adding his contact details to email lists.

Haven't read through all responses properly as I am just doing kids dinner etc., but great to see there are some more balanced viewpoints emerging. I'll read through properly later.

I'm not interested only in hearing from posters who agree with me (whoever said that) - I'm interested in whether people really think it's reasonable to expect that parents should be treated in equal regard in respect of their children's education/progress.

There are quite a few posts that have a bit of a nasty/aggressive/insulting subtext (the 'precious' DP for one...) - I'm just trying to separate those from the genuinely helpful ones - which may contain an opposing viewpoint but I don't want the issue to be lost in bear-baiting as tends to happen now and again here (I have been around for a while and you can spot the people projecting...)!

Our situation isn't acrimonious - but I maintain that DP has a right to be treated equally by the school in respect of his children, and important communication about their progress. I think the secretary's response was fine and friendly- but it was also non-committal, which I don't think is good enough. What about all the parents who can't or don't communicate for any reason? Do their kids miss out on the involvement of one (willing) parent because of issues beyond their control?

Separated parents are entitled to an opportunity to participate in their kids education through communication with the school. In the case I have described, communication came from DP in the form of a request for communication from school and involvement in respect of parents evenings etc, but no invitation came.

He wasn't sent the newsletter (I've now checked with XDP and she says it is once sentence buried at the foot of page 9 on an 11 page newsletter) - and nor is it available on the website.

If communicating with his XDP was difficult for any reason he may well not have heard about it at all and he would not have been there.

I for one think that is a problem worthy of discussion.

Yes, because teachers have got nothing better to do than say the same thing twice because two adults cannot share information about children they chose to have together.

Teachers don't have to do anything. Schools, on the other hand, are given the express duty of making sure that parents with parental responsibility are kept properly informed about their children. If you choose to run a school, you don't get to pick and choose which bits of the law you will obey.

And, as people keep pointing out, it's not a matter of saying the same thing twice, it's a matter of just making sure that you have both parents' contact details on the database and sending the important information out to both.

It's pointless whinging about adults who ought to be able to share information but don't. You have to deal with the situation as it is. Why should a parent lose out just because his/her ex is a bitch/bastard and the school can't be bothered to comply with its legal responsibilities? More importantly, why should the child lose out?

Absolutely spot on, Nennypops.

If nothing else, do schools make sure that both parents have a copy of reports?

"if the school just f*ing emailed both parents it would save a lot of stress!"

It would be easier for you. Not every situation is the same and some NRPs are NRPs for good reason. (that's something that I never thought that I would post).

Oh fgs, so many people are misunderstanding the issues here.

All nrps should be kept in the loop regarding school events and meetings. I think we're all agreed on that. Most schools nowadays do this via parentmail, and it's easy to request each parent receives this. If it's not happening, check it out and get it rectified. In my school, we have paper copies for those not on parentmail. Not sure what happens about paper copies for separated parents - I have no idea on the different contact routines for individual children, so a letter goes home on a certain day and I have no idea who receives it.

This gripe from the OP seems to be about what happened subsequently about the parents' evening appointment. In our place, the letter will go out (via parentmail - so in the OP's case, her DP should have received it, had the system been working properly) with a form to fill in showing preferred appointment slots. This is returned to school and we staff allocate appointments and send them home via the child. We would not send two slips home. For the record, 17 out of the 30 children in my current class have parents who are separated. One of those is a violent relationship with court proceedings pending, so they have separate appointments. No one else does. Either just one parent attends, or they both do and slide their chairs apart and refuse eye contact with each other.

This is a non-issue as far as I can see. The OP's partner needs to ensure the office have him on their parentmail list, and be aware that there are things he's going to have to chase up and check up on at certain times of the year, like we women do all the time.

Nannypops my comments that you chose to quote were in response to the poster who suggested that teachers should arrange two separate meetings so that both parents could talk individually about their child's progress. That is clearly an unrealistic expectation.

Of course both parents should have access to information, but both parents should also be expected to be proactive if they miss out on information for any reason. Most schools have a calendar that is published on their website. If they don't just ring up every few weeks and ask for an updated one to be popped in the post. As you rightly say, the school have a duty to provide that information, but that doesn't mean parents have just sit back passively waiting for that information to drop into their laps.

It wasn't a suggestion, it was a question, I wondered what people thought.

Sending out dual reports is the easy bit. Separate notifications for individual appointments in case parents can't communicate about their child is less straightforward.

I'm not liking the constant implications he's not willing/prepaed/capable of chasing things up....I suppose my point is that I don't think he SHOULD have to chase up an invite to his own kids parent's evening appointment (because we women essentially never have to do this!). There are issues of sexism at play here, and not just from the school.