AIBU to think the school should have told DP about his kids parents evening?

[littlejessie]

A-ages since I last posted, but thought this might be the place to ask! My DP has two sons, has been very involved in their lives since separating from their mum when they were small. They are both in primary school. Pre-school, they were with us around 75% of time outside time spent with child minder, and since school has started, they come to us every weekend (mostly).

He's a good Dad, generous financially to XDP and very involved in all aspects of the kids lives.

A couple of weeks ago we heard through XDP there was a parent's evening the following week. This was a surprise as he's signed up to the Parentmail email system and we understood he'd get this kind of information directly (nothing had arrived).

He emailed the school, just in case there was some kind of issue:

Dear (school secretary),

I was informed tonight that there is a parent’s evening for DS1 and DS2 next Thursday.

I haven’t been notified of this by the school. Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?

Thanks,

(DP)

and this is the response that arrived:

"I will try (DP) but that information goes home via school bags, it's not something that is communicated by Parentmail as it is individual to each child. The boys appointments are 4.30pm for DS1 and 5.50pm for DS2. I will let their teachers know you need to be told of meetings separately.

Probably best for future years to keep an eye on the newsletter and when you see the dates for Parents' Nights pop up remind me and I can let you know what time is allocated - best if you do this as there's no way I'll remember! This is what we do for several parents in similar circumstances to yourself. We will try to keep you in the loop in future.

Kind regards

(school secretary)"

AIBU thinking this response isn't quite right? Surely the school have some kind of obligation to keep him posted about this kind of thing?

Maybe he should collect them from school and check their bags

why can't the school communicate in an effective manner?

Did he ask specifically to be put on the mailing list (again), or to be given an additional specific notification of his parent evening appointment? If it's the latter, then it's not surprising that the secretary could not commit to that as a definite, as it would be down to the teacher, not her.

We know exactly what he asked. It was "Could you make sure I am receiving direct notification of any meetings about the boys and their progress?" Given that the school is required to do precisely that, the correct response would have been to say either "I will ask the teachers whose responsibility this is to make sure that they notify you in future" or "I will personally make sure that you are notified in future". The correct response is not to say, in effect, "I'll try but you can't rely on me or the teachers, so please would you just carry on trusting to luck that you'll find out that there is something in the pipeline so that you can remind us to do our jobs".

My point is that the mother doesn't seem to be having any problems. Presumably because she goes through their bags each night.

"I receive between 1- 3 text some days from the school and so do the other 1200 students parents"
They're presumably generic 'round robin' texts - easy to send.
In this case, each text would need to be different, which means a whole different ball-game.
And it's ridiculously impractical to send separate texts just to divorced/estranged parents too. Some of the time we don't even know who's separated, or if they're on cordial terms or, even, have got back together. As I said earlier, over 50% of my class have split families. In a school of 480 pupils, siblings notwithstanding, well, you do the maths.

"Any meetings about the boys" could mean "it's parents' evening on Thursday." Or, "what appointment times have my boys been given on Thursday"
So no, we don't know exactly what he was asking, or what she interpreted as his request.

In this case, each text would need to be different, which means a whole different ball-game.

No its not - you send a text to all the parents regardless of whether they are living together married whatever - everyone that has singed up of rthe texts

it says

Parents evening for year 3 next week on the 11 April please make sure you contact school for an appointment or fill out the slip in your son/daughters bag

then every parent knows that parents evening for year 3 is next week and if they are the NRP they can or anise an appointment

No need to do maths or make things complicated

Group texts are easy - some schools have twitter etc so they can do quick it's parents evening reminders

Individual texts / emails? ? That would be a full time jobsurely?

Teachers give up enough of their own time without having to facilitate separate parents evenings etc.

Could dp ask his ex to read communication letters from school then pop them back into school bags. He could check them fortnightly or whatever when he picks up the kids.

every single parent that is listed or comes along to the school an be informed of the text message service then if they are

a nap they will get the text
if they are living abroad they will get the text
on holiday they will get the text
in prison they all get the text
in hospital they will get the text
part of a travelling community they will get a text

al they need to do is sign up for the text when the dc is registered at school or go along and register themselves to get information as the Op's dp ex did and they will be told they can get information by text

Teachers give up enough of their own time without having to facilitate separate parents evenings etc.

they have an obligation to do so, they shouldn't be suggesting otherwise as this could be very dangerous for some ex couples for various reasons

IvyKaty Again, you are making a different point. The generic text/email stating the consultation dates go out to all parents listed, asking them to make an appointment in whatever way the school operates it. That is agreed as reasonable and regular practice by most schools (apart from poppyseed's! ).
Where opinion is divided on here is how individual parents are then notified of their specific appointment. THAT is what is difficult to text to 960 (in our school's case) different parents, as the content of each text will, of course, be different.

And it's ridiculously impractical to send separate texts just to divorced/estranged parents too. Some of the time we don't even know who's separated, or if they're on cordial terms or, even, have got back together. As I said earlier, over 50% of my class have split families. In a school of 480 pupils, siblings notwithstanding, well, you do the maths

No, it isn't. Obviously if you don't know about the separation, you aren't expected to tell them. But where you have been officially told that the parents are separated and both have parental responsibility, then you have to tell both. If in a class of 30, 50% are in that position, that means you tell 45 people instead of 30, using whatever means of communication you would usually use, or whatever is easiest. It's a job that could be done by an admin assistant. I repeat, part of the funding that schools get is to do precisely this sort of job, because that is their legal responsibility. If they're not doing it, they're just storing up trouble for themselves.

'Dangerous for some' couples = fair enough. Few and far between in reality and teachers would of course facilitate this.

An obligation to do separate parents evenings for people who just don't get along that well is too much imho.

Surely there is a compromise here where the school could use Parentmail on the day the slips go in book bags to say 'all children should have been given their appointment times for parent evenings in book bags today. If any parent does not have theirs or needs more information, please contact the school directly'. That way, whoever gets the book bag that day gets the slip, but the other parents knows straight away an appointment has been made, and can then ring to find out when if they suspect their ex won't tell them. Couldn't this be suggested to the school?

"they have an obligation to do so"

Where do you get that from? We are always available to discuss children's progress/concerns with parents, but within reasonable limits as to timings. So, it is not practical for over 50% of parents to make double appointments on open evening, but schools should have class surgery times (or whatever they might call them) whereby parents can pop in after school on a given, arranged basis.

Or, nennypops, here's an idea, maybe the parents themselves could set aside their differences for the benefit (or "crucial development," as someone put it earlier) of their own child and let each other know what time their appointment is.

"they have an obligation to do so"

Where do you get that from?

Department for Education published guidance. Schools have to follow it unless they have a very, very good reason for deciding not to. And the fact that something is a bit inconvenient is not a good enough reason.

Sorry, I should make it clear that the obligation is to make sure non resident parents are given important information about their children, including details of meetings and parents' evening appointments. I don't know where you get the idea that I am saying they must offer separate appointments, as I have never said that. Nor has OP, come to that.

Then we appear to be agreeing then, as every school that I've ever been involved with does make arrangements for NRPs to be included, and rightly so. This whole thread seems to have been clouded by side issues.

Or, nennypops, here's an idea, maybe the parents themselves could set aside their differences for the benefit (or "crucial development," as someone put it earlier) of their own child and let each other know what time their appointment is.

In an ideal world, obviously. But, guess what, parents are fallible beings. Some of them forget to tell each other, some deliberately keep this sort of information from the other parent. Do you really think that it is acceptable for a school to decide that one parent is entitled to be given important information about his child whilst the other is kept in the dark? Do you really think it is in the interests of the child to keep one of his parents out of things whilst virtuously proclaiming that it's not your fault if his mum won't tell his dad what's going on with him?

clam, I'm glad that schools you are involved with keep NRPs involved. This thread, however, is a query about a school which doesn't. So it's not a side issue.

Surely parents are obligated (morally rather than dfee enforced) to do their best for children too.

In most cases (violence excepted of course) surely that means communication between parents. Even though ot may sometimes be inconvenient.

Times have changed and more parents are separated now but that doesn't mean more time has magically appeared in the school day to send hundreds of personalised emails or texts.

Majority of schools have. Websites with all this information on it

Sorry but it's his duty to find out every term he should be ring and asking for school dates of events

No one is "keeping parents out of things." That's a silly assertion.

I'm not convinced how hard the OP's partner has tried to make clear that he wants to be put back on the email list. It seems to me that the secretary might have been confused about his query, thinking he wanted special notification of this particular consultation appointment. I cannot believe that any school would deliberately block this, so it seems like an admin error which can be easily fixed.

clam the Op's do's ex didn't know it was parents evening - he hadn't been informed and so would never even have known - he then when he found out contacted the school and low and behold they told him by email

the school can rely on the parents contacting them to enquire when the appointment is if they •don't know•

for some reason it seems you are intent on making this far more difficult than it is

if you have 30 children in a class and 30 letters go in book bags letting the parents known when the slot is

then you text every person on the text list letting them know that the info is in book bag or if they want to contact school a list will be at the office - those NRP can contact the school to ask for this information as they don't have access to book bag - or they will know to ask other parent

How often do teachers chase students for replies about stuff because the letter has been left in the book bag and parent doesn't know - wouldn't it be easier to contact parent indirectly through one group text