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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let dds father take her out for tea?

173 replies

PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:31

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 31/03/2014 12:35

When he mentioned it passing that he wanted her 3 weeks ago, did he mention he wanted her today?
I'd tell him you have to wait until she is home from school then ask her if she wants to go.
Don't stress about the junk food if it's only one or two weekends a month - if you're feeding her well the rest of the time it shouldn't be a big deal.

whitepuddingsupper · 31/03/2014 12:36

I think YAB a bit U, you have nothing major planned for tonight. I don't think the odd junk food session with her dad will do that much harm if you give her a healthy diet the rest of the time, if he rarely takes her out for tea it can't be completely his fault she is overweight.

SaucyJack · 31/03/2014 12:37

YABU. RPs shouldn't be blocking access without very good reason in my book.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 31/03/2014 12:41

So he doesn't feed her much? Or he feeds her and it's always McDonald's?

Look, novel idea but invite him over for tea? Or stop stressing. Tbh I'm hearing other issues but this is the easiest to get stroppy over..... Sorry . Was really hoping to agree with you.

SybilRamkin · 31/03/2014 12:42

Agree with previous posters - it's only once or twice a month, so won't make a difference to her weight assuming she really does eat healthily the rest of the time.

You should be encouraging him to spend time with his DD for her sake, but it wouldn't hurt to mention that it's fine this time but in future you'd prefer 48 hours notice as you'd already prepared dinner for today.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/03/2014 12:43

YABU. You shouldn't be blocking access unless he's a danger to your DD. The odd McDonald's meal won't damage her unless she's fed junk the rest of the time as well.

You can't ban her from seeing her dad because he might take her to McD's.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:44

Kinky no he didn't mention a particular day. It's not fair to tell dd to choose, it should be discussed between adults and agreed in advance IMO. She eats the same amount of calories that she eats in a week here over a weekend with him so he certainly does contribute to her weight. It's not just what he feeds her, he changes her attitude about food and taking her for tea tonight would make her kick off tomorrow when she's given healthy food.

SaucyJack - I'm not blocking access. Dd and I shouldn't never be able to make plans in case he one day fancies sticking to his word and taking her for tea. He's an adult who should be capable of making arrangements in advance.

OP posts:
Monetbyhimself · 31/03/2014 12:45

I would let it happen tonight to avoid any conflict or accusations of contact blocking Hmm

Then I would sit down and write him an email. Keep it child focused and explain that Dd is unavailable for contact on her two activity nights, unless he wishes to make taking her to and from the activity.

Explain how important regular and consistent contact is and suggest he chooses 1 night a week/ fortnight/ month when everyone knows that he will be taking DD out.

Explain your concerns about her weight, share what steps you are taking to address it and ask for his involvement by helping her make healthy food choices.

Ask him for his thoughts on a suitable contact day by the end of the week.

Keep it brief and focus totally on DDs need for consistent contact.

LilllyLovesLife · 31/03/2014 12:47

I would let him do it and save the arguments. I have the same issue as you with my DDs Dad. I KNOW how bloody annoying it is. But I've realised I need to pick my battles and just let things go when I can, for my own sanity and for the sake of my children. I am totally with you on it, I honestly know how you feel. But think maybe you could do the dog walk and salad tomorrow or the next evening she has free.

I would however say that if he wants to do it again then let you know the day before hand and arrange times etc then, or you will be saying no.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/03/2014 12:49

Let her carry on with what she was planning on doing and if he turns up then hurrah she can go. If not then she won't know will she? She can have her salad tomorrow for tea.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:50

Sybil I've said 'yes this time but in future 48 hours notice please' several times. He continues to leave it to 4/5 hours before, doesn't ask if dd has any other plans, just assumes he can take her when he wants without prior arrangement. It's not about the food only, it's about thinking he trumps anything else going on in dds life. If he made a regular arrangement at a set time on a set day, which his job means he's perfectly capable of, that'd be fine by me and more fair on dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:52

I've said all that to him before Monet, it gets ignored. Last time he weighed her, told her she had lost weight and took her for a large pizza and ice cream at pizza hut. It's designed to get at me.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2014 12:56

What's best for your daughter though, Puffy? I know it's hard but if she would like to see her father than make it happen unless there's good reason not to. Make it about her and her father rather than he and you because it's her relationship with her dad that is important here.

Marne · 31/03/2014 12:56

I would let him take her, maybe once he has taken her once he will then stop keeping on about taking her out for a while. As for the junk food, I don't see it as a problem as long as he's not letting her eat it every weekend, one off wont hurt, maybe encourage your dd to pick a healthy option if you are worried but I'm sure the odd mcdonalds wont cause her any harm.

Maybe give him a list of what days your dd is not doing after school activities so he knows which days she is busy and when she might be free?

SaucyJack · 31/03/2014 12:56

I don't agree with the 48 hours notice thing tbh. It's her dad. It's in her interests to have a relaxed, non-formal relationship with him. I quite often ring people up on the day to make plans for later.

But you shouldn't have to wait by the phone tho. If your DD has genuine plans, then just say no and ignore any nonsense from him.

Monetbyhimself · 31/03/2014 12:56

I totally get it Puffy. You need to have proof that you've made perfectly reasonable attempts to arrange consistent contact. It's not fair on your DD to have the 'just in case' aspect of daddy maybe showing up hanging over her.

Keep your emails and any response ( or lack of ) as proof of your moves to firm up contact arrangements so that DD isn't left wondering if he'll show up, and disappointed when he doesn't.
If he doesn't sort himself out this time, then I would suggest mediation if there is no history of violence or abuse.

SirChenjin · 31/03/2014 12:56

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to arrange dates in advance if she has something specific on, but making a salad with you and walking the dog isn't something that can't easily be done another night - a bit of flexibility is necessary when you're a parent.

As others have said, the odd MacDonalds is not going to do her any harm.

JennyOnAPlate · 31/03/2014 12:57

Can your dauughter be persuaded to make healthier food choices? So she has a happy meal with juice rather than an adult meal and milkshake? Can you approach it with her from a health point of view without mentioning weight?

laregina · 31/03/2014 13:01

IMO the saddest thing is the huge emphasis on your dds weight and the face that she is clearly aware of the issue. She's 7. She doesn't even need to know that you think she's overweight or that you're trying to get her to eat more healthily. Just start only cooking healthy meals, no comments, no discussion, just serve it up like it's 'normal' food, as that is what it is, and don't buy any junk.

Then if your ex wants to feed her pizza and macdonalds now and again, it won't make much difference. You're not doing her any favours turning food into a battle, so if your ex wants to be that childish, disengage from the whole thing; let him see her when he wants as long as it's convenient, and don't even discuss food with him other than if your dd has eaten/will be eating, or not.

laregina · 31/03/2014 13:02

'fact' that.....

OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 13:04

Dd and I shouldn't never be able to make plans in case he one day fancies sticking to his word and taking her for tea.

That's just silly. If you have actual plans, you tell him that and offer an alternative day. You don't have fixed plans for this evening.

I had less than 12 hours notice that XH wants to take the DC out to tea today. I've muttered to myself, complained about him taking the poss and stomped about by myself in the privacy of my own home And said yes, that's fine, because it is in the best interests of the Children. My plans for the evening involved happy slobbing as, once they're back from school, it's one day when we have nothing to do. It's spoilt my meal plans for the week but nothing insurmountable.

RiverTam · 31/03/2014 13:04

have no idea about access but she's not overweight because her father gives her a MacDonald's once or twice a month - you can't lay that at his door, and I don't think you should be telling him he can't give her that as it's so infrequent.

SirChenjin · 31/03/2014 13:05

Btw - if you are really conscious about her diet I would strongly recommend leaving the bacon out of the salad.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2014 13:09

If mum was making arrangements without notice during dads time she would be lynched

Monetbyhimself · 31/03/2014 13:11

My Ex feeds my children crap all weekend. Nuggets/tinned hotdogs and a McD's. That happens EOW.
Mid week contact consists of a McD's.

How can he claim to want to be an equal parent when he takes NO responsibility for what he feeds them when they are in his care. You can't have it both ways folks. Both parents need to take responsibility for the childs health and weight issues. It's an absolute cop out to justify her being fed crap by her dad because her mum should be the only one worrying.

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