to not let dds father take her out for tea?

[PuffyPigeon]

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP, when you were with DD's father, did you nag try to persuade him to adopt healthier eating habits? It comes across that your own relationship with food is not actually very good - though this is true of a lot of people these days, particularly women, who have long been encouraged to regard enjoying food as sinful - and this may be a contributing factor in the whole mess.

OP, when you were with DD's father, did you nag try to persuade him to adopt healthier eating habits? It comes across that your own relationship with food is not actually very good - though this is true of a lot of people these days, particularly women, who have long been encouraged to regard enjoying food as sinful - and this may be a contributing factor in the whole mess.

I completely understand where you are coming from and you can make plans with DD no problem. But tonight you don't really have any plans. Going to the park is something you could do any day. So maybe let him off this time.

I'll be honest and say what Puffy is feeding is healthy, it reads as incredibly boring to me and I can understand her DD wanting to gorge herself while at her fathers and eat as much "yummy" food as she likes. I'm not saying it's right (or that the food IS yummy but she obviously thinks it is), but there's a HUGE difference between what she's being fed at both houses and I think the huge difference is a big deal.

I think the daughter needs to speak to someone honestly. It's not right that she feels she needs to gorge herself to that extent. I would worry more about her psychological state at this point than her physical.

It's not about her weight right now, it's about her psychological well-being. She shouldn't even be thinking about her weight but if seeing her dad is causing her actual harm, and he refuses to acknowledge it, it seems like stopping contact would be the best option.

I also think the daughter needs to have special food more often. She doesn't need to know it's HEALTHY special food, or a low-cal version, she need only feel like it's a special treat and that special treats are in moderation.

I also think talking to her about how she feels, physically, after eating all that would be beneficial. Surely she understands she's not supposed to feel that way and if she doesn't believe you, she can ask other people as well.

Also introducing higher exercise would be a good thing. You'll have to be involved in this but something fun and enjoyable to work off the excess calories.

There's a lot more information about the OPs ex on her previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2034115-to-feel-Im-wasting-my-time-being-a-good-parent-because-exH-is-the-opposite.

The way it reads to me, the OP is a perfectly normal parent, trying to ensure that the DD gets a healthy diet and is not overweight for her height or age - which is something that presumably every parent should be trying to ensure.

The DD is getting incredibly mixed messages, one parent is giving her healthy food, which might be a bit healthier than it could be if the other parent wasn't over feeding her with junk food whenever he sees her - postively encouraging her to overeat to the point where she vomits. Oh and then for good measure he weighs her occasionally.

On the other thread I stated that the Exs behaviour towards his DD is perilously close to emotional abuse - this is what's likely to give the DD issues around her weight , not the OPs attempts to right the damage.

I could have absolutely eaten til I was sick and then started over again at 7. If junk was available, I would eat it all.

I really think some people just don't have the natural ability to regulate their appetite. I can recognize I'm full, I feel sick when I overeat, but that isn't a natural signal to me to stop eating, I've had to train myself to stop. As a child I just ate and ate and ate when I had the opportunity, as an adult I always have to think about what I'm eating because I can easily consume 5x the calories I need for the day in one sitting.

Plus junk isn't like healthy food, it's designed to make you want more. Soft drink makes you thirsty, sugar makes you crave more sugar etc. It's much easier to binge on junk than vegetables.

I think some people aren't understanding how weight gain works. If you are eating the right amount of calories every day, but then eating 5x that one or two days a month, you are going to gain a not insignificant amount of weight, even though it's just an occasional thing. The thing with treats being a part of a healthy diet, is that they need to be part of it, not an added extra, unless you're trying to gain weight. So if you normally eat around 1500 calories a day, then you should still only be eating around 1500 calories even if one of your meals is 900 calorie McDonalds, otherwise you'll gain a little weight. If you regularly tack on extra calories like that, eventually you'll have gained a lot of weight.

For people suggesting a more active lifestyle, if the child is even keeping down half of what her father gives her, she's taking in as many (or more) calories as an adult male athlete. Of course she should be getting some exercise and it sounds like she is, but there's no way a 7yr old can even come close to working off that many calories. She's eating thousands of extra calories. An adult needs to run about 10k to burn off one thousand calories. The OP can't make up for this kind of binging with a healthy diet and regular exercise.

So what's the answer here? It doesn't sound as if he's willing to negotiate - presumably the OP can't simply withhold access...?

I can't believe some people further up the thread are suggesting the op changes the way she feeds her dd the majority of the time so her ex, her dd dad can over feed her when ever he can be bothed to make arrangements to see her. If he is that bothered about his daughter he should be making arrangements to keep her healthy and not feeding her junk food all the time he has her. I imagine a seven year old would choose to have junk food, it doesn't mean it is the best thing for them. This is why parents need to step up and take responsibility, doing the right thing for their children.

Op, did your dd go to her dads for tea tonight?

OP, I think you should allow her some treats. Because otherwise there are food control issues with both parents.
You could limit treats, maybe even make them as healthy as possible, but to eliminate entirely will cause issues for your DD.

Healthy options are possible for treats. Homemade chicken nuggets and oven chips. Home baking. Strawberries served with a few squares of melted chocolate.

Even hot chocolate, or home made milkshakes or smoothies.

Yes, she went. He had a tube of Pringles and family sized bag of sweets waiting in the car for her. She had the best part of a bargain bucket from KFC for tea, then sat in his car playing on his phone despite it being a beautiful evening before going to the pub for chocolate brownies and ice cream before coming home. She was up five times in the night with tummy ache.

Can you take her to the Dr today and tell them this? Then perhaps talk to a solicitor about getting supervised contact only?

Yes, I think you need to involve your GP and social services now, OP. He's abusing her. This is clearly not just about a weight-obsessed mother battling against a father who gives the DC a clandestine Mars bar once a week - he is forcing her to do something which is physically damaging (eating until she is sick). If he was giving her gin to drink, you would be expected to stop contact and he would probably be prosecuted.

YANBU

you are in a hard place as you are having to deal with the fall out of his refusal to accept his responsibility for the well being of his daughter

if as given the choice she wouldn´t want to go anyway I wouldn´t do anything more to facilitate contact and start moving in the other direction

yes it is good for children to have good relations with both parents, but she is too young to deal with his incinsistency and being badly affected by his refusal to parent

How is her school attendance on mondays after shes been with him for the weekend?

We had similar with ds2, over eating to the point he was sick and it started affecting his attendance, up all night with stomach ache on sundays, having the runs, throwing up.

He was told if it continued I would be picking him up sunday mornings, which he didnt want as he loves spending time with his dad. His dad was told the same and the situation has improved.

It doesn't spund like this would work with your ex though and I agree with SGB about contacting putside agencies now.

If you dont have court ordered contact id stop any midweek access as well, and id be on the phone to the idiot today telling him why

I'm pretty sure there is a limit on how many calories your body can use (burn/lay down as fat) in a day. Getting overweight is more about over eating every day. If you have a massive splurge on one day you will shit most of it out.

Chicken and bacon salad doesn't sound very healthy? Is it dressed?

You and your ex need to sort out your issues, you are both hurting your DD

This is unacceptable, as a young child she probably feels she can't say no to him. He is abusing her through food. I would take it back to court and involve GP an referral to dietician so you have evidence. I would absolutely say that he can come and see her at your house where you can keep an eye, or that you will accompany them. He cannot be trusted to look after dd properly!

Thank goodness common sense seems to have (generally) prevailed.

A mother trying to feed her overweight child a healthy diet and wanting some notice for contact, obviously she must be controlling witch with food issues .

Puffy, Yanbu asking for notice at all and I think the suggestion about involving outside agencies (even if it just going to speak to your GP to get your concerns on record) is a good idea.

I appreciate that the people saying Puffy's ex should have contact at her house have good intentions but I doubt she wants him in her house.

In the circumstances, maybe supervised (by a third party) contact would be a good idea.

He is using food as a weapon, and feeding her until she is sick us just as abusive as not feeding. Mabey your dd can talk to the GP with you there and it's on record, and referral to dietician.

Coming back to the thread and shocked to read the updates. Reminds me of deliberate cruelty like production of pâtédefoie gras.

(Not sure why those words ran into each other).

Puffy if any family member (be that dad, uncle, grandma) fed my DS like that after already talking about it previously they would only see him supervised until they seemed to care remotely about his health.
It's not just the weight problem, she's physically been in pain from it FIVE times in the night, that's not normal.

YADNBU. Why should you have to dance to his tune? If he is so last minute, it gives the impression that he is just fitting her in whenever it best suits him. Be firm and stick to the 48 hour rule. If he can't then tough luck. You are the primary care giver so your rules are law.

take her to the GP today. have her explain to gp she has tummy ache and what she ate with dad.
then arrange a separate meeting with GP you and GP and get advice, including dietician referral and referral to child psychologist.

GP appointments don't happen on the same day here - there's a two week wait. Even so, she wouldn't say anything that could be used against him in case it stops her access to the food. He tells her to lie to me about what she's eaten.

I don't have food issues like many people have said. I'ma size 10 and eat normally. I don't purposely make food boring for her either, she enjoys all of the foods I listed very much. On weekends with me we make homemade pizza as she loves pizza and something like strawberries dipped in chocolate. She appreciates it much more as it's not every day.

I've told him about the tummy ache. He says I'm making it up, but knows I'm not because she's said she has diarrhoea there too.