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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let dds father take her out for tea?

173 replies

PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:31

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:48

Precisely my thoughts, Monet

OP posts:
Marne · 31/03/2014 13:49

I think if she is eating healthy food at home for the time she's with you, one weekend every 3 weeks of eating junk food is not really going to hurt, if it was every weekend then yes.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:50

Because he delights in telling me Peacesword

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2014 13:52

Puffy... What about asking him to take her for her next GP's appointment? That's a fairly standard thing for him to do as her father. Let the GP tell him that your daughter's weight could easily be controlled now - or battled against later for a lifetime.

He obviously loves her; he just doesn't want to hear you. That is the sticking point that I'm getting. The talking (sensible as it is) needs to NOT come from YOU.

SirChenjin · 31/03/2014 13:53

So now she gets junk once every 3 weeks?

I'm really confused here - just how much is she getting, and why can she eat so much? We don't give our DCs junk (16,14 and 7) more than very occasionally. None of them would have continued to eat beyond when they felt full, junk 'treat' or not. It's strange that your DD would - I wonder if there are bigger issues around this?

I'm getting the sense that you are pinning the junk and health issues on your ex as an excuse. Have you been to the GP about these health issues, and have they been linked to the junk food?

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 13:56

I genuinely don't understand how your DD's obesity can be the fault of her Dad Confused

I also don't understand how a 7 year old could eat such massive portions of food all of a sudden, if they're not used to being overfed at home.

Sorry but it doesn't add up OP. I think you both need to look at this together instead of you blaming him.

cestlavielife · 31/03/2014 13:59

you need to both go with her to GP so she is a ) weighed properly and b) get referral to community dietician to talk to both of you and to dd and explain why it's important to mostly eat healthy food.

she can of course have junk food treats occasionally.
but your ex wont hear it from you and your dd is suffering already. but you cant stop contact over this.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 14:00

Lying he wouldn't do that. He doesn't care. I made him come with us to the dentist when he was giving her fizzy drinks and sweets all the time, he told the dentist she must've just inherited poor teeth because she never has sugar Confused

Sir - she can eat so much because she's watched him gorge himself til he's sweating and sometimes sick for years. She thinks it's ok because he does it and tells her it's fine

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 14:02

Sir - she can eat so much because she's watched him gorge himself til he's sweating and sometimes sick for years. She thinks it's ok because he does it and tells her it's fine

But watching someone eat doesn't stretch your stomach, so I still don't understand how a 7yr old child who only sees her Dad a few times per month, can suddenly eat like an adult.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 14:02

Worra I haven't approached it with him as blaming him, 'working together' is impossible because he refuses to. Any discussion I try to start gets cut off with: 'my daughter, my choice'

OP posts:
Peacesword · 31/03/2014 14:02

Have you considered that he is just saying it to wind you up?

I don't quite get it either that it's because of what she eats when with him. And I have struggled and cried buckets over trying to keep dd's weight within normal limits, so I get the concern. She too goes to her Dad's every other weekend. He puts crisps and chocolate bars in her lunchbox and it sounds like they get a lot of sweets over the weekend. But I have managed over the last 3.5 years to keep her weight constant by just watching portions, limiting "baddies", making sure she is active.

She has no idea either that I've been doing that. It's just not talked about.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 14:03

Worra she eats until she's sick or has diarrhoea then eats again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2014 14:03

Puffy give him some dates within the next 2 weeks, instead of leaving it in the air. If he does not give dates, you could! Yes an adult meal with lager shake is a hell of a lot for a little 7 year old. Ask him to give her a happy meal instead as that as more appropriate!

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 14:04

No I don't mean your approach to him

I mean (and I can only go on what I've read) you sound as though you're in denial and pushing the 'blame' onto him for your DDs weight.

Surely you both need to shoulder responsibility?

Marne · 31/03/2014 14:05

'giving her sweets and drinks all the time'
I don't understand because in your OP you say that she only see's him a couple times a month? is he delivering sugary drinks and take aways to your house during the week? because giving a child a McDonalds a couple times a month and a few sugary drinks would not cause them to be obese or for their teeth to fall out Hmm.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2014 14:05

Worra dad is setting a gad example, kids aren't stupid she can see what he's doing, and wants like most children to copy their parents.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 14:05

Peaces dd confirms it too because she complains of tummy ache for days afterwards and moans about me not providing junk

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 14:07

Aero if you sat in front of me and ate a large pizza and an ice cream, I couldn't copy you and I'm a 45yr old adult.

I could try to copy you, but my stomach would not take that amount of food packed into it because it's simply not used to it.

That's my point.

YellowDinosaur · 31/03/2014 14:11

Are some of you being deliberately obtuse? Because while I fully agree that the occasional take away to the amount the op's daughter has isn't responsible for her weight gain, teaching her that it is normal and fine to eat until you vomit and then eat some more is most definitely NOT fine and it is this attitude of her dad that is probably responsible for her weight gain. I do think the op should look carefully at what she is contributing because it is hard to imagine that a couple of weekends and the odd meal or can cause her dd to be overweight but most certainly her dad's attitude is almost certainly the underlying cause.

Why, may I ask, is this consisted acceptable when in my mind it is as harmful and indeed neglectful as not giving her sufficient to eat? Which would be considered neglect? If what the op is saying about her dd's dad's attitude and approach to food is correct imho this is as abusive as if he was hitting her.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 14:12

But worra I can only go on what I feed her and what he says he feeds her. A typical day with me is:

Breakfast: porridge and blueberries
Snack: milk and apple (at school)
Lunch: chicken and lettuce wrap, cucumber, peppers and carrot with hummus, grapes and plain yogurt
Snack: cheese, tomatoes and crackers
Tea: beef and veg stew

With him it's:

Breakfast: pancakes and double sausage and egg muffin from McDonald's
Snack: cake and crisps
Lunch: large pizza and ice cream
Snack: tube of Pringles and bag of sweets
Tea: large big Mac meal with milkshake and a muffin
Supper: fried egg sandwich and crisps

I don't see how what I'm feeding her could make her overweight

OP posts:
Peacesword · 31/03/2014 14:13

Are you happy with what you are doing for her? Are you happy with what she eats and how much activity she has when she is with you? If not it would definitely be worth seeing a Dietician.

I saw doctors, HVs, school nurse, dieticians - anyone who could give me a clue as to why dd was the weight she was. She wasn't a snacker, she doesn't have sugary or fizzy drinks and still now has sweets left over from Christmas which are kept in her bedroom! They all told me the same (and I was really honest with diary sheets) that they could see no reason for it, just to watch portions. So even though I didn't really get any solutions, it gave me reassurance that I was doing all I could.

My advice would be to concentrate on what goes on when she is with you, and let go of having him on board or being able to co-parent over this.

Monetbyhimself · 31/03/2014 14:13

Yellow Dinosaur people being deliberately obtuse on a thread like this ? Surely not Hmm

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 14:13

Well if the eating until you vomit and then eating more is true

I'd say the OP should lift the 'junk food ban' she says is in place in her house.

We all know a little bit of junk food is fine as part of an otherwise healthy diet.

So teaching her child how to eat junk responsibly would be the way forward.

If that's actually the case here.

HerrenaHarridan · 31/03/2014 14:13

Puffy you should have posted in lone parents, we could have given you a wealth of experience based advice (such as tell him that she will be available for short notice contact on only a and b day all other days require x hours notice and enforce)

Only in aibu would people be trying to say your causing a food issue by not letting her have junk at home or that you shouldn't put a sprinkle of bacon in salad or that in fact as rp you should facilitate contact whenever he deigns to demand it

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/03/2014 14:14

I agree with Worra that's there's something more going on here.

DP has huge portions. He could plate me up portions the same size as his but I could in no way finish them. You need to look into WHY your DD is eating until she's sick. I don't think it's healthy to deny a child junk - of course they're then to going to gorge on it when it's given to them - they know it'll be ages until they get anymore.

If you don't trust your ex to feed her, then you need to do things together. Have him for tea at your house, go out together - park, cycling, whatever. I know you probably don't want to spend time with him, but he needs to see his DD, and if that's the only way he can be trusted to do so, so be it.