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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let dds father take her out for tea?

173 replies

PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:31

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/03/2014 14:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have horrendous weight issues, and cannot understand someone who claims he is a loving parent feeding a child that amount of junk food. Even if she is only eating half of what he says she's eating, that is far too much junk food for a child of that age.

How can he say he is a loving parent and use food and her diet to punish you? Using a child as a weapon against the other parent is a vile thing to do. When you are doing it in a way that compromises her health, it is even worse.

Peacesword · 31/03/2014 14:16

Yes, the eating until he's sick is a concern and not something you'd want her to mirror. What's her attitude around eating when she's with you Puffy?

MistressDeeCee · 31/03/2014 14:16

Id be annoyed in your position OP, but there are some things you may as well let go.. He is DDs parent too. & you aren't his parent. Tbh in your shoes I know I would make an excuse for this evening. After that Id take some time to re-evaluate. My DDs father is useless - unreliable, full of promises to take them here & there etc. Ive had to bite my tongue on many an occasion. However they've grown up into their teens now & they know what their dad's like and don't take him on board. These things have a way of balancing out, over time. You building up resentment against your DDs dad will do no good. & dictating what he feeds her when they're out - things like this just give you too much to think about. It doesn't matter. Give her healthy food when you are with her, which is most of the time. I agree he should be making advance arrangements. If he doesn't then he has to accept there are some times DD won't be around. Don't engage in the dates/times convo with him when she's there.

Sometimes you have to know when to take a step back, or you can come across as the unreasonable parent unfortunately. As time goes by its DD that will come to a decision re. what relationship she has with her dad. His way may not be your way but, what can you do. He isn't harming her.

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 31/03/2014 14:18

I agree totally SDTG. I don't think you are being unreasonable to be worried. That is a huge amount of rubbish to be giving a wee girl.

mindosa · 31/03/2014 14:19

I am sure it is annoying but yabu if you don't already have plans.

Regards her weight, well that is really more your responsibility, you need to ensure she is active, eats well when with you.

Then the odd blow out with her dad wont make much of a difference

Realitybitesyourbum · 31/03/2014 14:20

someone who sees their child as infrequently as you suggest could not be making her overweight...it must be you!

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2014 14:21

I think stuffing a child with junk food every time you see them is really crappy parenting. To do the same to a child with a weight problem is abusive.

The OP is not describing the occasional treat, she is describing a child being exposed to a really disordered relationship with food.

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP and in your position I'd keep contact to the bare minimum. I'd also refuse contact without 48 hours notice and then only if your dd doesn't have plans.

Several posters have stated that your ex clearly loves your dd. Can't see much evidence of that myself.

YellowDinosaur · 31/03/2014 14:23

Couldn't agree more with barbarianmum

kinkyfuckery · 31/03/2014 14:23

Your daughter is not fat because he feeds he McDonalds once a month. How deluded are you?

SetPhasersTaeMalkie · 31/03/2014 14:25

If you read the thread you will see that it is not just one McDonalds once a month.
Barbarianmum has it spot on.

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2014 14:25

Oh and to add...

If a child needs X calories a day and one parent feeds her X calories 27 days of the month, then the other parent feeds 2X for 4 days a month then the child will become overweight. It really is that simple.

Asking one parent to underfeed so the other can binge is not setting up a healthy dynamic w food.

Chippednailvarnish · 31/03/2014 14:28

If he's seeing her once or twice a month then that's two to four days of eating nothing but junk food at every meal and each snack in between...

SigningGirl · 31/03/2014 14:29

I don't think you can stop contact because of this although I understand you wanting the control back. Could you ask your GP to write a letter to him (you might have to pay for it?) to prove that it isn't just you worried.

Have you tried talking to her about it - not in a dad eats badly way, more a "this is food we can eat a lot of, eat in moderation, or eat a little" - start to empower her with the knowledge she needs to make healthier choices.

Can you up her activity levels to compensate for his idiocy? That way you can relax on junk in your time and therefore don't become the strict one so much?

SaucyJack · 31/03/2014 14:29

Puffy you should have posted in lone parents, we could have given you a wealth of experience based advice

Yeah, because being a lone/separated parent is such a specialist subject in 21st century Britain.

OP- having read your later posts I think you need to separate the two issues out in your head. I.e. the ad hoc contact- which doesn't need to be a problem, and the overfeeding- which does.

Marne · 31/03/2014 14:30

Having step children myself and seeing dh only seeing his children once a week I can see how easy it is for them to feel like spoiling their children by wanting to treat them with food. My dh can not cook so if it wasn't for me he would have probably took the kids to McDonalds or to a local pub rather than trying to cook them a healthy meal, not just because its a easy option but because he would want the limited time he had them to be fun (and children do enjoy eating out).

I think you need to talk to her dad, explain that once and a while is ok, maybe once a month he can take her to either McDonalds or for a pizza but this should just be one meal and not a day of binge eating.

Is your dd's dad overweight? does he eat like this every day or just when your dd visits?

I do agree with the others that it seems odd that she can eat that amount of food when she only eats healthy, small meals at home. I have been on a diet for 5 weeks and I don't think I could sit and eat that amount of food even if I wanted too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2014 14:31

I said he loves her because he wants to see her. He has his own weight issues that contributes to his bad diet and subsequent 'treat days' for his daughter.

Quite honestly, if this were my daughter and I were this worried about her, I would seek outside help because there's something not right. There are things slipping somewhere and it can't all be down to the time this child spends with her dad. Either:

  • the child is eating something secretly somewhere else, on a regular basis.
  • exercise and activity is over-estimated.
  • food prepared and eaten at home is over her calories requirements.
  • she sees her dad much more often than stated.
  • she's being given food by other people.

It doesn't add up. I would get help because if I can't get my ex to look out for her interests - and whatever I'm doing isn't making any difference - then that's what's needed.

This is about a child and trying to prevent her from having a lifetime of disordered eating and concern about her weight/food issues. There isn't any time to waste.

DameFanny · 31/03/2014 14:41

Yanbu re tonight, and in your position I'd be wondering if I could reduce contact to something where her father can't feed her.

This kind of force feeding is abusive, and he's deliberately seeing her up with health problems - he knows what he's doing or he wouldn't have lied at the dentist.

Can you talk to a solicitor?

Comeatmefam · 31/03/2014 14:44

I agree people are being delierbately obtuse...or just obtuse.

  1. If I, you, this child or anyone eats the recommended calories intake every day but three times this amount for four days in every month then naturally I, you, this child or anyone will GAIN WEIGHT.
  1. Clearly the father has massive food issues and is passing them on to his daughter. If he is overfeeding her, weighing her, using food as weapon against the mother, bingeing and purging himself etc etc, this is very very dangerous territory and she is extremely likely to develop an eating disorder.
  1. You can't really separate the access issue from the food issue as OP is clearly worried sick about his abusive relationship with food and how it's impacting her daugther.
Comeatmefam · 31/03/2014 14:45

^Deliberately

MistressDeeCee · 31/03/2014 14:47

Im struggling to see where this thread is going now.

Id address the last minute arrangements thing, definetely. The rest Id keep out of it, its just giving yourself too much to think about.

Besides how are you going to control your ex, in terms of him giving your DD McDs? He's an adult - what is your plan if he doesn't share your point of view and therefore, doesn't listen? Its never going to be grounds for no contact between father and DD, is it? Even if your way is the best way.

If she is living with you 24/7, you are feeding her healthily and most importantly, she is suitably active for her age then I am surprised she is overweight. It doesnt sound as if she is with her father that regularly in the scheme of things, or even as if she does full days or sleepovers with him. Its nothing in comparison to the time she spends with you when she can be eating healthily, and doing active things.

morethanpotatoprints · 31/03/2014 14:53

What I don't understand is when my dc were 7 they learned about healthy eating at school in science. Its part of the NC, they came home with paper plates and had to draw various meals and work out how much protein, carb, fibre etc they should be having.
Surely the OP can be firm about not giving junk food even if the father can't.
Explain what is considered a good meal and if education and standing firm don't work then a dietician from the gps surgery would help or health visitor.
I hadn't noticed my dd had put on a few pounds, she wasn't obese but a bit over weight, it was her brothers who alerted me to it.
We don't have junk food, I cook from scratch so didn't understand what I was doing wrong.
Our health visitor praised the boys for noticing and helped me realise it was portion size. A bit too much pasta and a couple of potatoes too many.
They will help and also contact your x with a diet plan to stick to.
If he doesn't then you can start to withhold access or court order etc.

DameFanny · 31/03/2014 14:58

But mistress, even if she's eating healthily at home, the over eating she's encouraged to do at her father's is going to mess up her idea of a portion, and the diarrhoea she eats herself into it's messing up her digestion.

This is not two people disagreeing about the frequency of "treats", this is an absent father abusing his daughter with food.

How can people not see that?

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2014 15:08

Worry you haven't got the mind of a 7 year old have you! Tgey are not able mainly to make sensible decisions, they eat what adults feed them. Whilst she is at dads, tge food he is giving her is not right. In small doses yes, but not in the quantity he is giving her.

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2014 15:11

It's not about the 7yr old's mind Aero, it's about the physically impossible task of packing that amount of food into a tiny stomach, if she's not used to overeating.

YellowDinosaur · 31/03/2014 15:15

But she isn't packing it in then stopping worra. She's being repeatedly encouraged to eat til she is sick then eat more. How is that so difficult to understand?

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