to not let dds father take her out for tea?

[PuffyPigeon]

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

Because I strongly doubt a 7 year old would be able to do that on the few occasions a month that she sees her Dad.

I think as PPs have suggested, she is either overeating at home too or someone other than her parents is also feeding her.

But if she's being 'sick', actually vomiting, then she isn't actually taking in vast numbers of calories, is she?

It's horrible for a child to be given food until she's sick; a parent would want to prevent that, surely?

Well, this poor kid has already got an eating disorder, by the sound of it. The father is abusive because he is using food to manipulate the child (wieghing her, encouraging her to overeat, probably employing emotional blackmail so that she eats excessively to make daddy happy) in order to distress the OP. Who seems to have similar issues with making food a source of conflict - the obsession with Not Getting Fat that makes every mouthful a moral issue rather than a health one.

I think the solution might be to stop contact or move it to supervised, if the OP has enough evidence (emails from the man insisting that he will do as he likes, perhaps? A diary of DD's sickness bouts?) on the grounds that contact is harmful to the child and there is emotional abuse taking place.
But also the OP will need to then relax around what the child eats. AN ice cream now and again will do no harm. Nor will a burger, as long as the child isn't burdened with guilt and expectation over every bite.

I agree SGB. Instead of blanket banning these things, it's more helpful to teach self discipline and moderation.

If her father only overfed her by 1000 calories each day he had her (and it sounds like it's more than that)...

...then that would be an extra 4000 calories a month.

Mr google tells me we need 3500 extra calories to lay down 1lb of fat.

1lb fat gained per month. You do the maths as to how that's going to add up.

And I have no doubt that a 7yo who has essentially been trained by a master in the art of binge eating, can binge eat.

But if she's being sick, how is she taking in that amount of calories?

If everything you say is true then yes, I'd say no to this evening, and simply reiterate that you've asked several times for 48 hours notice, that you now have plans together, meals orgnaised, etc.

If you've asked him to give you notice several times and he isn't, then you need to stick to your guns. If he uses contact/food to get at you, then this is part of that, it's unhealthy for her to see and especially for her to see you being overrruled/messed about by him just because he can. Knocking that on the head may do the relationship more good than missing one contact.

And the junk? I don't know what you can do, but again, if it's more than simple bad habits on his part - if he's TRYING to give her what he knows are bad food habits simply to assert his right to parent differently to you, and to piss you off with something he knows will upset you - then that is utterly abusive to your daughter.

He is obese and he yo-yo diets. He isn't happy with his weight and health, then? But he is actively trying to give your daughter the same issues to battle?

That is awful.

And no, I would no more go out of my way to make contact work in that situation than I would for a parent who verbally abused or neglected their child. How is it different?

Years ago I knew a child who had a parent like this, initially both parents had a kind of 50:50 thing going on,due to one parents work that dropped down to 3 weeks with one 1 with the other the 1 was spent with a binge eater who unfortunately would normalise the behaviour by trying to over feed everyone she was in a position to.

The child is now an adult who spends most of her time as a inpatient in an eating disorder clinic and the mother can't even leave her house due to her size

no sorry, not enough notice. dd has plans. please give 48 hours notice in future.

worra

The op has not said she is throwing up everything,just throwing up at the point when the amount of food makes her actually vomit.

That can take quite a huge volume of food in one hit but may not remove food eaten even half an hour before

I just used the McDonald's calorie counter to calculate the calories in the meal your DD has when she is with her Dad.

For a hamburger, medium fries, large milkshake, donut and icecream is comes to over 1400 calories and a staggering 51 grams of fat
I can't believe she could consume that much. Perhaps she leaves a lot of it???

With tonight's contact I think YABU unless dd doesn't like seeing her dad.

don't understand how you know what she is eating to the level of detail that you do, unless you are quizzing dd or your ex stands on the doorstep listing all the food she's eaten- either is bizarre.

I think it sounds like you don't like your ex and there are other issues and you are using the food issue to have a 'legitimate' reason to obstruct contact...

If things are exactly as you describe then it sounds like you need specialist help from an eating disorder expert/clinic because your daughter is developing the habits of an eating disorder. They should have the knowledge to help you tackle the problem.

For everyone saying that a 7 YO couldn't possibly eat so much, I think she was used to eating very large portions at Puffy's house as well, but Puffy has taken the medical advice on board, taken it seriously and is making positive changes for her DD in her house. But her DD's dad does not want to - either because his own eating is so disordered he cannot accept the doctors are correct, or because he cares more about hurting Puffy than protecting his DD's health.

I hope that's right and I haven't confused Puffy with somebody else. Apologies if so!!

Sorry, but I can FULLY believe that a 7 year old could manage that.

Junk like that is easy to eat and moreish. That's why we have such a terrible problem with it. And that's why it's not 'just food' 'how much damage can it do if it's only a few meals a week' etc.

She's being taught to be addicted to sugar and to develop the kind of food habits that lead to eating disorders.

Sugar is supposed to be one of the hardest addictions to break, and one of the worst for your health. It's ok though, because it's legal and normalised. That is the tragedy of it. Whereas if this father was letting his DD have a puff on a joint or was encouraging her to drink alcopops during contact in order to piss off the mother and to normalise his own addictions... Well, you can imagine how this thread would look.

I try and feed my DChealthily, not just for now bit in order up set them up with healthy eating habits FOR LIFE. I'd be distraught if this we're happening to my DD.

OMG based on your list of what she eats over the whole day when she is with him she eats 2500 calories and OVER 100 grams of FAT. JUST from breakfast and her McDonald's tea. (Ie I didn't include any lunch, snacks or supper). I didn't even include McDonald's chips and chose 'medium' size milkshake .

Add in the rest of the says calories and it is absolutely shocking.

I'm with Boulevard - do the maths people! If he's giving her 4000 - 5000 calories more than she needs each month then she is going to gain well over a stone a year. A child that age weighs about 4 stone? An extra stone is huge. I weigh about 10 stone. The equivalent weight gain for me is 2.5 stone. That would take me from my current very healthy BMI of 22 to a "overweight and heading for Obese" 28. Scary!

As for those who say it isn't physically possible treat that much - well if Op's dd is normally eating a nice healthy balanced diet with lots of lovely vegetables then the actual volume of food she eats will be quite a lot. (Have you ever put out all the food you eat in a day? It's surprising.)

However, replacing a handful of carrots with a donut of the same size will have a huge calorie impact.

Plus the salt, fat and sugar in all these foods are going to do all sorts of dodgy things to her blood sugar - making her hungry again not long after.

The trouble is where does all this lie on the "importance" scale. If he was driving drunk with her in the car I'd be advocating cutting contact. If he was refusing to do her homework and wash her uniform I'd be advising sucking it up as a relationship with her dad is more important than a spelling test.

This is somewhere in the middle.

According to my maths he's probably giving her an extra 4000 a DAY!

The only way around this is by doing fakeaways.

Make heathier takeaways. So when she hoes to her fathers she is no compelled to go over the top on treats.

There's no point doing healthy takeaways if the father is deliberately undoing any healthy eating work the mother is doing.

And it puts more pressure on the poor little girl at the heart of this.

If this was my child I would limit contact.

It may sound harsh, but not feeding a child a heathy diet in my eyes is neglect.

I agree STB totally, dad is using food as a weapon, and is abusing dd emotionally, using food. As dd wants to please dad she stuffs herself until she is ill. Noway xpcan a young child eat all that food!

Puffypigeon - my thoughts are the same as they were on the other thread. If he is routinely overfeeding her - and I believe from the other thread she only plays computer games in his care - then I'm not sure what beenfits she is getting from contact.

I'm not sure why you should be expected to carry out weird adjustments - (healthy takeaways ) to what sounds like an admirably healthy diet for your DD in order to cater for his complete inabilities to feed her properly.

If he sees her so In frequently I really wouldn't worry about unhealthy eating. It's a treat.

Have you actually read the thread maddy68?