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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let dds father take her out for tea?

173 replies

PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:31

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP posts:

ThatOtherTime · 01/04/2014 12:57

He is causing physical pain to your child
I would call social services and ask for help.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 13:05

He us harming her by making her ill. Phone NSPCC or SS. Encouraging her to lie.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2014 13:18

Actually, OP< I have just reread your other thread and I have to say you need to step up now.
STOP her contact with this idiotic, selfish, malevolent man. There is no court order in place to enforce it. Send him either an email or a registered letter to the effect that because of his repeated failures as a parent, you are stopping contact as it is harming DD, that you will only reconsider contact if it takes place in a contact centre and no food is involved. Then let him go.
I appreciate that your DD will be upset by this, but it's one of those occasions where you have to be the seemingly-nasty parent. Explain to her, and keep on explaining, that what Daddy has done has made her ill and because he can't be sensible, it's better that she doesn't see him for the moment. You will need to lay it on thick about none of it being DD's fault and also that Daddy isn't a bad man, but some people are just not very good at being parents. And you will probably need additional support for DD for a while, but letting things carry on like this is risking your DD's physical and mental health.

TillyTellTale · 01/04/2014 13:26

I think you need psychological support here, too. Your little girl is:
learning to hide and lie concerning food, and
to eat until she vomits.

You can't sort this out without specialist help.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 01/04/2014 13:35

I have emailed nspcc for advice.

You have to be referred to a contact centre. He will take me to court if I stop contact but I can't see them removing overnight contact and enforcing supervised contact as it's effectively my word against his.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 13:39

I would ask for a referral to the contact centre, and On no contact or supervised if you can accompany her. And say no to him taking her out to tea.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 13:40

Will he, he will have to fund taking you to court as there is no legal aid.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 01/04/2014 13:47

His parents will fund court proceedings.

I can't accompany them or have contact here as I have other children and because he was abusive to me.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 01/04/2014 14:00

He sounds like a man child. Definitely call NSPCC and take her to tge GP and ask for advice and mabey referral to dietician and CAHMS. You need agencies to help get evidence in court, he us abusive to your dd and is already developing issues with food. This us not about the odd MacDonalds or fizzy drink, but using food to abuse and control dd.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2014 22:39

Well, his parents can go ahead and waste their money then, can't they? RIght now there is nothing he can do if you stop contact as there is no court order and it will take some time before he could get one in place. Use that time to sort out the evidence of his abuse and the harm it has done your DD so far.

Comeatmefam · 02/04/2014 07:40

I'm glad you're taking action. He's abusing her with food.

I'm sorry a few passive aggressive smug regulars on this thread who don't understand basic calorie calculations have repeatedly told you it must be you who's doing something wrong.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 11:00

Just an update: the NSPCC replied and said it's a very serious concern that could have serious health consequences and they'd advise that I stop contact and speak to childrens services.

Will speak to them today.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/04/2014 12:30

The "My daughter, my choice" remark suggested that it wouldn't be easy but hopefully you and outside agencies can challenge that assertion.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/04/2014 14:08

Yes please take NSPCC advice stop contact and call ss now.

DontCareAboutYourShoes · 03/04/2014 14:29

Glad you got a reply. Fwiw you were not being unreasonable or blocking contact to ask him to arrange these things in advance. After a split, a lot of men use contact to still control their ex's life and to mess up their plans etc so pandering to it isn't the right thing to do in the long run. The man just learns he can dip in and out whenever he fancies. It's shit that so many women defend that.

Chippednailvarnish · 03/04/2014 15:02

Speaking as someone who was a very fat kid, good luck OP you're doing the right thing to address this before it's too late.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 17:11

Agreed DontCare, he's even admitted before that it's to disrupt my life so I'm loath to let him succeed.

Thanks Chipped.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 03/04/2014 17:19

Well done PP, the hard bit will be telling him that you are stopping contact for this reason.

I'd make sure you have your health professionals lined up - dentists report HV/doctors report etc. in case he decides to take it all the way to court.

I'd also be tempted to email him and copy in his parents stating the reasons for stopping contact very factually but making the overriding point that it is in DD's best interests to maintain an appropriate weight for her height and age. Hopefully this might persuade them not to fund his court visit, but hey probably not.

PollyIndia · 03/04/2014 17:40

I read this thread in disbelief - no wonder we are such an obese nation if people will go out of their way to justify giving a 7 year old 4000 calories over a weekend as a 'treat'.

I wanted to post to say I am sorry you got such a hard time OP and I hope that you manage to get some resolution. Sounds like you have finally got some better advice. I am a single parent and my ex has not been involved at all with my DS (his choice) but if he were, I am pretty sure I would want some notice of when he was going to have him too, so that wasn't unreasonable either. I hope things improve for you OP.

This was the worst example of AIBU - just horribly obstructive and unhelpful.

flippinada · 03/04/2014 20:46

I'm really pleased to see your update Puffy and wish you and your DD all the best.

It's clear that you are a good mum who wants the best for her child and I'm sorry you had to wade through all that ridiculous passive aggressive crap earlier.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 03/04/2014 21:18

Thanks everyone.

Sadly rookie this is the worst in a list of things I'm not happy with about contact. At least when it goes to court I'll know I've done my best as it'll be investigated.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 06/04/2014 22:47

If he has told your DD to lie about what she has eaten, could you secretly record a conversation you have with her about what she has had to eat?

Not particularly ideal, but it would go to show that he has told her to lie too - your poor DD - she is being set up to have such a hugely dysfunctional relationship with food.

Original poster

PuffyPigeon · 07/04/2014 07:49

I don't think they tend to listen to things like that in court beryl, as with no context technically I could be bribing her to say what I want. Plus he'll say I'm hysterical and secretly recording your child (even if for good reason) fits in well with that.

OP posts:

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