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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let dds father take her out for tea?

173 replies

PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 12:31

Have been separated for all of dds 7 yrs. Her father sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice. Every time he sees her he tells her he'll take her for tea that week but fails to arrange it with me, even if I text or email and ask. Every 6 weeks or so he'll mention taking her for tea to me, usually when dropping her off. I've asked him specifically not to do this as I am busy with the children and think we should discuss dates privately, not in front of dd and not on the spot. He then expects her to miss her activity if it happens to be one of the two nights she does them that he wants to take her for tea.

He tends to not contact me until the day he wants to take her to arrange a time when I've specifically asked that we arrange it at least 48 hours in advance so dd can make plans if he isn't coming.

I've posted before about him continuing to feed her copious amounts of junk food despite me asking him to watch her eating because she's overweight. Last time it was an adult meal from McDonalds complete with large milkshake and an ice cream and doughnut afterwards.

He's just text asking what time to collect her tonight, having mentioned taking her for tea in passing at drop off three weeks ago. This morning she asked to walk the dog to the park and help me make chicken and bacon salad for tea. I was really happy that we'd be doing 'healthy' things as it really improves her mood.

Aibu if I reply to her father reiterating what I've said previously about arranging it at least 48 hours in advance and saying he can't take her on this occasion?

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:14

It's not 'the odd McDonald's' - it's junk all the time every time he sees her. Laregina - I haven't mentioned weight to her at all. Her dad is obese, constantly weighs himself, gorges himself, yo-yo diets - she sees this and is encouraged by him to do the same.

Owl - if she had fixed plans though he'd kick off saying he's more important so I see 48 hours notice as common sense to prevent conflict.

She wouldn't choose to see him given the choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:17

RiverTam I asked him to watch her eating because she's overweight. She's developing asthma, which could be related. I have to feed her healthily all the time - we can't eat out, have an ice cream at the park, go to the cafe for a cake etc because I'm aware how much he'll over-feed her next time and I don't want to contribute to her ill health.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 31/03/2014 13:17

By your own admission he sees her one or two weekends per month only - that is his choice, plus the odd tea. So how many junk based meals is she eating every month? Confused

OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 13:21

if mum was making arrangements without notice during dads time she would be lynched

Making arrangements during the short time (usually) that a NRP has the children is not the same as during the normal day-to-day living of the RP.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2014 13:21

Give him an outline of after school activities. If something is set in stone he will have to accept he can't always rock the boat because it suddenly suits him.

Ad hoc treats are a big deal for DCs and by the sound of it she has a healthy balanced diet at home.

Upsetting as it is to have our DCs let down you can't shield her from his inability to plan ahead or amnesia about promised treats.

PuggyMum · 31/03/2014 13:22

Puffy I've read your other threads so I know your dh feeds your dd rubbish when he has her. I do think you are contributing to this an ongoing war though.

I agree you should email him. Set out her activities / availability for a few weeks ahead and suggest he works around these when he wants to take her for tea and you can then be flexible if he texts on the day.

Re her weight she shouldn't be weighed in order to justify a Pizza Hut but as her father, he should be aware of the calorie needs of a 7 year old and treats should be treats. Not the norm or a way to get at you.

All you can really do though is make sure all discussions are about your dd and what's best for her.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:23

A weekend consists of 7 meals of junk food, at over 1000 calories each, with 'snacks' of bags of peanuts, tubes of Pringles and family sized bars of chocolate in between.

Like I said earlier, thats over a weeks worth of calories.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 31/03/2014 13:24

Is she eating everything he gives her? I'd be amazed if a 7 year old could eat as much as that.

OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 13:25

Owl - if she had fixed plans though he'd kick off saying he's more important so I see 48 hours notice as common sense to prevent conflict.

How does 48 hours notice prevent conflict? A fixed plan is fixed - notice won't solve that.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:25

Owl the 'short time' he has her is his choice. It's not always the RPs fault that not much contact takes place.It ddoesn't make him making unreasonable demands right IMO

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:27

Other than activities owl the only other plans tend to be play dates which tend to ne arranged the day before. If contact had been arranged two days before then I'd know to say no to the play dates

OP posts:
TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/03/2014 13:29

We're not saying he doesn't feed her junk, but we are saying it's not a vaild reason to stop him seeing her.

She deserves time with her dad. You don't have any plans for tonight, so what's wrong with him taking her out for a couple of hours? If you have an activity planned (like a class for DD or something), you say "no, DD is busy, how about tomorrow?"

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:29

Yes she can eat it all. She knows it could be three weeks before she gets junk again so she'll keep on eating and eating

OP posts:
Marne · 31/03/2014 13:29

Maybe you can encourage him to take her somewhere else other than fast food places? maybe he could take her for a walk or a bike ride (now the weathers warming up you could pack them a picnic, or he could?).

I know the weight issue must be worrying, I have a dsd who has had weight issues since she was tiny, her mother would feed her take away 4-5 times a week (sometimes twice a day), we would see her at the weekend and try and encourage healthy eating but its not easy when one parent is feeding them rubbish. Maybe you could encourage him to only do the junk food thing once a month rather than every time he see's her?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 31/03/2014 13:31

If you're really worried, can he not come to tea at your house?

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:32

TheDoctors her weight is affecting her health. Surely minimising contact until he can put her best interests first is best for dd? However, if he'd made a solid arrangement I'd stick with it. But he didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:35

Marne he's obese, he doesn't do healthy choices or exercise. Him taking her for fast food is also partly rebellion against me because he likes to reiterate she's 'his daughter and he'll do what he likes with her.'

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OwlCapone · 31/03/2014 13:36

You don't actually want to hear from people who disagree with you so I fail to understand why you asked in the first place.

Good luck with being inflexible.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 31/03/2014 13:37

Still sounds like food is a useful side arguement. The arrangements are what stick in your craw aren't they?

There's a basic time table to the week. Clubs etc. give him a copy. Play dates are dds issue. If she wants to cancel one to see her dad that's up to her. She can apologise to the child let down. Useful learning curve.

ThatOtherTime · 31/03/2014 13:37

I would work with your DD to help her to make better food choices. She is old enough to do this already unless there are other issues. She needs to be able to take responsibility otherwise she will continue to overeat whilst at her Dads. I doubt you can change how much food he offers her so you have to change her behaviour.
You don't need to mention her weight to her if you don't won't but you can tell her that you hope she has a wonderful time with her dad but that she must only chose 'one' treat. You could run through examples with her beforehand.
This gives her permission to have and to enjoy a 'treat' but without her eating excessively. This worked for my kids.
Good luck, it's a tricky situation.

LongTimeLurking · 31/03/2014 13:39

I don't think "making chicken and bacon salad" for tea really counts as having plans. I think you should let him take her out for tea.

"Yes she can eat it all. She knows it could be three weeks before she gets junk again so she'll keep on eating and eating"

Sounds like you are turning the food and weight into a huge issue as well.

Driveway · 31/03/2014 13:42

It looks like you both have issues with food and you are both using your DD and her eating to score points against each other.
This will be an absolute disaster for her. :(

You can have that ice cream at the park.

Monetbyhimself · 31/03/2014 13:46

I am genuinely stunned at the suggestion that a 7 year old should be put in the position of having to choose between seeing a parent or going to a birthday party or a favourite activity on a regular basis.The ignorance about the short and long term impact of such a situation is staggering.

Original poster
PuffyPigeon · 31/03/2014 13:46

What would you suggest, LongTime? That I feed her junk too so her weight increases and health deteriorates more?

ThatOtherTime he tells her she can disregard anything I've said when with him so encouraging her to make healthy choices doesn't work.

OP posts:
Peacesword · 31/03/2014 13:48

It's annoying when they don't arrange things in advance or are disrespectful of your time or what you may have already arranged. I get the same thing - if I try to arrange things in advance and offer contact he won't be my "childcare", and if I say no to contact at short notice as we have plans I'm a vindictive contact-blocking ex.

It's water off a duck's back these days. If dd wants to go when he asks and it's no big deal to change what we were doing, then I agree. If it's something that can't be changed (eg a party or going out with a friend) then I say no and he just has to lump it.

I just wanted to ask about the food thing. How do you know she is eating all that stuff while she is with him?

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