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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 19:03

bear

what you have said is all very well. I agree about not confronting the wife. But I can't get past this - whether or not she bored the husband is not relevant. Unless you think it is OK for someone to shout at someone at the end of an evening for being a bit boring.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 19:04

mrs ruffallo

I totally didn't follow my own advice Grin

Maybe he is Simon the Ogre

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 19:06

So hard not to bite!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 19:12

There's not much else for you to add to this thread is there?

Clearly not, but equally I'm not sure what you are trying to get from it now either, other than joining forces with your supporters to rally against me and how controversial I'm being whilst patting yourself on the back for what a scintillating hostess you really are.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 19:15

Bear

I am just expressing an opinion. I do think that there is a lot of insidious covering-up-for-mens-abusivess in our society. That's what drew me to answer your post.

And I notice you haven't answered my point.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 31/03/2014 19:18

Do you know Mrs Ruffallo Bear? Do you have some kind of history?

Or are you the kind of woman who always assumes the man is in the right and the woman in the wrong

We dont know how the evening went, we dont know if the husband is abusive in general and we definately cant jump to the conclusion Mrs Ruffallo is exaggerating Hmm

I dont understand exactly what you are getting out of trying to prove how dull/self centred and rude the OP is? Could you clarify?

WottaTheOdds · 31/03/2014 19:25

I do think that there is a lot of insidious covering-up-for-mens-abusivess in our society. That's what drew me to answer your post

Fair point but I honestly don't think that's what Bear or I have been doing. Sorry if that's what it looks like.

However what I will say is that I am bit perturbed by the comments made here (not by you IIRC) along the lines of: if that's what he's like in public can you just imagine what he's like at home (implying that he is knocking his wife about emotionally abusing her)

I came out of a 20 year marriage to a man who beat me black and blue on occasion, literally and deliberately spat on me (ironic eh) etc etc and yet he was (and is ) universally perceived not just to be charming but shy and unassuming. Anecdotal evidence is that this is not all that unusual. The current Mr Odds OTOH can be a bit of a grump inside and out but my goodness, gentle giant, considerate and sensitive to others' feelings doesn't begin to cover it

SelectAUserName · 31/03/2014 19:25

If you add up all the time it has takenBearBehind to say the same thing over and over and over again type out the reiteration of her point, I suspect it would add up to at least 40 minutes...

YouTheCat · 31/03/2014 19:25

I don't any back-patting going on here at all.

I do see some rather nasty assumptions going on though, by one poster.

YNK · 31/03/2014 19:26

bb you are just showing yourself up!

Please stop it now! ffs!

The op has already said she is finding your posts upsetting!

KatnipEvergreen · 31/03/2014 19:26

Bear So if you haven't enjoyed an evening at someone's house it's ok to yell in their face?

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 19:40

Wotta

I agree that lots of abusers show no signs to the outside world, and that we don't know if this man actually is horrible to his wife.

But in turn, I think there are no legs at all in arguing that shouting in your hosts face is justified.

Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 19:46

If you add up all the time it has takenBearBehind to say the same thing over and over and over again type out the reiteration of her point, I suspect it would add up to at least 40 minutes...

Yep- and if you don't agree/ are not interested it's boring isn't it?!

i do see some rather nasty assumptions going on though, by one poster

So it's more nasty to accuse someone of being boring (especially when she has repeatedly insisted her problems are not boring/ are enthralling etc demonstrating a lack of self awareness) than accuse a man of being an abuser?

and I notice you haven't answered my point

Of course I don't think it is ok to yell at someone if the circumstances were exactly described however I also don't believe the circumstances were exactly as described as the 2 other people in the house didn't react to it at all.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 19:48

Thank you to all the lovely posters on this thread. I will keep in touch with my friend, I think the whole idea of dropping her was a knee jerk reaction I have when I feel upset.
Again, thanks a lot (almost) everyone Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 19:51

Oh, that we all had bb's level of self awareness! (joins forces. Rallies. Serves cocktails in scintallating manner. Pats self on back)

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 31/03/2014 20:08

Perhaps the other two people were stunned by the yelling?

Please say when it is okay to yell in someone's face. Confused

flippinada · 31/03/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 20:30

See? No legs

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 20:47

Please do not entertain or associate with this horrible man again.

BlueSkySunnyDay · 31/03/2014 20:47

I dont think I said he was abusive in private and I can't be sure but did mrs ruffallo say that either?

It sounds like their house is a townhouse (?) so h clearing up was in another room/possibly another floor - the other wife may have been embarassed so I really don't see a logical reason for the assumption of exaggeration you keep reiterating.

AchyFox · 31/03/2014 20:55

I get the impression she's taking a lot of shit from him.

You sound like you'd be a great support MrsR.

flippinada · 31/03/2014 21:03

As my post has been deleted, I assume that all posts making unpleasant comments aimed at the op have also been deleted too?

flippinada · 31/03/2014 21:04

Presumably continued needling add goading of someone who has stated she's upset is ok too?

flippinada · 31/03/2014 21:04

*and

BlueSkySunnyDay · 31/03/2014 21:04

I don't know some women find "funny" men like this attractive - I don't think we can make any assumptions other than he was a rude twat on this occasion.

Mrs Ruffallos husband didn't sound over keen either but men tend to be more reserved in their criticism until they have a solid basis for it.