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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/03/2014 08:15

You did nothing wrong.

Ignore people here who accuse you of being boring..ome said she would leave if she found someone boring.

If she found her friend talking about a problem boring I wouldnt want to be friends anyway.

The man sounds an absolute arsehole. The sort of person who prides himself on being straight up and telling it how it is. But is actually just a rude prick.

Don't blame your friend.

But don't expose yourself to it again. Never see him again.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 30/03/2014 08:17

The only way I would be able to be understanding of the man's behaviour is if you had shouted at him or his wife and blamed one of them for the work incident or some other background goings on. Then just maybe, he could be justified with using such a blunt instrument to communicate his feelings.
Either that or he has some deep dark secret he wanted to talk about at the dinner but felt nobody gives a shit about him (not you).

Or, as wxpat says, it was just a scummy lowlife trashy thing to do. But then...is the man working? If he's unemployed maybe it was painful for him.

I don't know. If you want to keep this friend I think you have to get to the bottom of why he did this. They are marrued. I don't see how it won't have any impact on your friendship with her, even if you never see him again.

StainlessSteelBegonia · 30/03/2014 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/03/2014 08:23

"If he's unemployed maybe it was painful for him"?

Seriously. .that would be errr tough shit.

Bearbehind · 30/03/2014 08:31

I have never said what this man did was acceptable stainlesssteel but equally I'm not making up my own version of the truth as others are, by insisting that based on this one incident, this man is abusive.

Even the OP has said she'd tell someone if she thought they were being tedious so the issue is simply how he said what he said

And I'm not socially warped to think taking up 1/3 of an evening discussing my problems is unacceptable, I think it is more warped to think it is acceptable in that situation.

tethersend · 30/03/2014 08:33

It doesn't matter if the OP stood up and recited the alphabet for forty minutes.

You don't go to someone's house, eat their food and shout in their face.

What a cunt.

MooncupMadness · 30/03/2014 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StainlessSteelBegonia · 30/03/2014 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 30/03/2014 09:07

Fanjo Yes, I totally agree. I wouldn't want to see either of them again, but if the OP's DH doesn't see this the same way, and the man's wife stood and watched and said nothing, either the OP is surrounded by scumbag behaviour or there is a lot more going on here that led up to it.

On the face of it though, it is not acceptable to shout in someone's face like that, nor is it acceptable to say nothing to your friend when your husband does that, unless you want to show approval of the behaviour.

slartybartfast · 30/03/2014 09:11

i wouldn't contact your friend.

where do you think her loyalties will lie?

that is her problem living with a nasty man. if she comes to you to apologise on his behalf that is fair enough, or if their relationship finishes, that is fair enough, but don't put yourself through aggravation in talking to her

MintyChops · 30/03/2014 09:45

Jesus he sounds like a total prick. And for those saying the OP is somehow responsible for being boring, get a fucking grip and read up about how normal people behave. This is not normal.

Have you heard from your friend OP?

wellthatsdoneit · 30/03/2014 10:20

Bloody hell. Imagine what he's like behind closed doors.

HesterShaw · 30/03/2014 11:43

I thought BearBehind was "done". Apparently not.

5Foot5 · 30/03/2014 11:47

Without having been at this dinner party and knowing none of the participants then one can only form opinions based on what we read here obviously. But based on this alone it seems that there are two common assumptions being made:

  1. the OP bored her guests with a long work-related story.
  2. the friend's husband is a potential abuser.

I think there is common agreement that he was, at least, very rude and that even if assumption 1 is correct this does not excuse his subsequent behaviour.

Now for the assumptions. Well we can't possibly know but it is not a given that it was boring. I have had friends tell me about things that happened to them at work that were genuinely interesting. Even if that is not the case and the friend was just being polite and pretending to show an interest, lets do some sums. The dinner party lasted 2-3 hours - split the difference and say 150 minutes. For which the OP spoke for about 40 minutes on this subject. That's is only just over 1/4 of the time they were together and since there were four of them it seems unfair to accuse her of monopolising the conversation on this basis.

As to assumption 2, well again we can't possibly know. But I maintain that this is not normal behaviour and I would be shocked and angry if anyone behaved like that around me. I would wonder why someone would tolerate that kind of behaviour from someone they were close to.

Neither or both assumptions may be true. I don't really see why people are so ready to accept assumption 1 and think assumption 2 is ridiculous. Just based on what we have read here.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 11:53

I thought BearBehind was "done". Apparently not

The same could be said of you Hester (although to be fair I don't think you ever said you were finished but here you are again with the same ol' same ol') Bear is by no means the first and won't be the last to be triggered into coming back by the sheer frustration of people choosing to ignore what s/he has actually said in favour of their own interpretation

At what point exactly was bear supposed to bow down and say, yes what others have said is the incontrovertible truth and I am wrong wrong WRONG I tell you

S/he has been polite, objective and it seems capable of seeing that there are two sides at play here. And again I say, no I am not Bear

flippinada · 30/03/2014 11:55

I never cease to be amazed at how many people will leap in to defend the most appalling behaviour.

Even if mrsr was a ranting bore (I'm quite sure she wasn't), it's still inexcusable.

Although, perhaps they routinely go round screaming, swearing, spitting and delivering home truths with alacrity and don't mind if it's done to them? There are some odd folk around.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 30/03/2014 11:58

Indeed, flippinada. I agree.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 11:59

I don't really see why people are so ready to accept assumption 1 and think assumption 2 is ridiculous

Good analysis 5 but my reading is that more people are willing to accept assumption 2 rather than assumption 1. Those accepting assumption 1 are helped along the way by the OP's own claims that she was 'not boring' that she 'only' took up 40 minutes and that her tale of woe at work was 'dynamic' and enthralling'. She may be right yet she is probably not the best placed to judge. I have to say that I disagree that 25% is fair. As hostess she has no place in dominating the conversation at all, unless it is flagging.

And once again I say on no planet was the man's behaviour acceptable.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 12:01

Please tell me flippinada where I have said that the guest's behaviour was defensible. I believe I have variously described it as cuntish, twattish and inexcusable. But it is a huge leap to go from here to an abuser behind closed doors.

And now I am out!

HesterShaw · 30/03/2014 12:04

People baffle me often, and MNers most of all.

Mintyy · 30/03/2014 12:04

Please don't automatically dump your friend over this op. She may be utterly mortified and dithering about what to do. He could have had a massive argument with her about it when they got home. He could be abusive (no, we don't know) and gaslighting her. I hope you will give her the benefit of the doubt. Its really not fair to blame her for her husband's behaviour.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 30/03/2014 12:06

I would say he is showing strong traits of abusive behaviour by shouting with spittle-spraying anger and swearing in his host's face. And that does make me wonder what his behaviour is like behind closed doors. It's not that much of a leap.

WottaTheOdds · 30/03/2014 12:08

And now I am out!

Except to repeat ( pace Hester) that an OP who admits that she spoke for 40 minutes on a totally self centred topic, who has no awareness of glazing over on the part of her guests and who seems to think she deserves praise for cooking a vegetarian meal for, erm vegetarians, may not be the best placed to describe objectively what he said and more to the point how he said it.

Spittle as we have established can be accidental, and she MAY have misread his tone. Certainly her own DH and her friend do not seem to share unquestioningly here interpretation of it.

Having said that, I say again, he is a twat on the face of it.

So shoot me for seeing both sides.

FlockOfTwats · 30/03/2014 12:12

It doesn't matter whether you were boring or not. The facts are;

You invited them for dinner
You cooked, you especially to his taste/sensibilities (Which plenty of us find boring and petty but don't shout in peoples faces about!)
He thanked you by screaming in your face.

No, the woman is not his 'keeper' but if my other half ever behaved like this in public, honestly, i would leave him.

YANBU and he is a horrible prick. I would message him and tell him so and also make it clear he is not welcome back.

flippinada · 30/03/2014 12:15

Me too Hester, me too.

I think some people forget there's a human being at the other end.