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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/03/2014 16:51

I think I'd follow up by saying 'well I wasnt particularly impressed by the way he spoke to me so although you're always welcome I'm not keen on meeting him again anytime soon'

I do wonder if your friend is putting up with alot of bad behaviour from him, and justifies it by him being an exception, or it's just his way kind of thing... Therefore can't see that it's not acceptable and that she can't except others to put up with him in the same way she does.

I'm just wondering as this is a pattern of behaviour that often happens and contributes to the alienation of women in bad relationships.

Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 17:06

Ok, so saying away isn't working!

I can't believe the drama about this and as for 'I think you are a true friend' being code for 'thank you for putting up with my abusive husband'- well words fail me.

The guy was in a bad mood and was unnecessarily rude but for the umpteenth time- that does not make him an abuser.

Maybe their argument before they arrived was about going to see the friend who never stops talking about herself and the husband who can't be arsed to see them off when they leave

And even if you do go down the route of him being an abuser- it makes you about as far as possible from being a good friend to her by cutting her off because of it.

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 17:09

Never stops talking about herself? That's just rude. He screams at me like that becuase he is so upset about DH not seeing him off? You are just trying to be controversial, and provocative.

OP posts:

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 31/03/2014 17:12

The mental gymnastics and blaming of the OP in bearbehind's posts to excuse this man are something to behold.

flippinada · 31/03/2014 17:18

Mrsr surely you can see that it's all your fault? As for your husband washing the dishes, what an absolute bastard! No wonder your friend and her hubby were so put out.

It's clear to me, what you should have both done is both laid down on the floor and allowed then to wipe their shoes on you on arrival and before leaving. WHY OH WHY didn't you think of this?!?!

In addition, you should only talked about series of pre-selected acceptable topics (which you should have had the good manners to agree in advance) for an allotted time scale, in case your guests got bored. I literally CAN'T BELIEVE you didn't do that!

Now that is being a good host. You may thank me later.

Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 17:34

I'm not trying to be controversial or rude at all. It is far less controversial to think that someone might just have not enjoyed themselves in your company than assume he is an abuser.

I don't believe he 'screamed' at you otherwise your husband would either have heard or would certainly not be telling you to ignore it.

I think the reality is far more likely that he didn't want to be there for whatever reason, rightly or wrongly your conversation bored him and he tried to make a smart comment about it but it came out overly aggressive.

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:03

Well, I can't help what you believe. You're not trying to be controversial? Then why label me a bore, a liar, self obsessed, someone who incessantly 'harps on' at every opportunity with no consideration for my guests. It's actually quite nasty.

You weren't there. I can't and actually don't want to convince you that I have been honest. I can't. You could go on every thread here and accuse the OP of lying and they could do nothing about it. I think you've just enjoyed playing devil's advocate here but what you are accusing me of is actually quite hurtful. But I guess that's th point.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:09

Also, I haven't labelled him an abuser. I am confused about the whole situation. The one thing you haven't done is offered advice on how to resolve this. Most other posters have. That's a real sign of a person who is just here for a bunfight. The fact that you're just 'going round in circles' probably means there's not much else you can say to provoke a reaction.

OP posts:

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 31/03/2014 18:10

Well, she sure does seem invested in making out that you are blame, OP. God knows why. I dread to think really - perhaps the phrase "tell someone who gives a shit" is one she commonly uses...?

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:12

LOL SMJ. Wish I had just ignored her now! She'll argue that phrase is actually a compliment in a minute.

OP posts:

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 31/03/2014 18:14

YNK · 31/03/2014 18:15

It's the same with the accusations about people of creating a drama! Check out that mirror ffs!

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:17

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 18:28

I haven't said you are a liar, I think you may be exaggerating a little but that isn't lying.

FWIW I have said It sounds like this man has 'form' for being forthright/ rude (but not necessarily abusive) so I wouldn't choose to keep his company but that doesn't mean taking it up with/ out on his wife.

My posts were an attempt to get you to question exactly what happened and how it came about which is extremely relevant to what you should do about it.

If the truth is he really did scream at you and it was entirely unprovoked then your first reaction should never have been to confront his wife. I'd be far more concerned about why your husband isn't at all bothered about it and how this mans behaviour might be affecting his wife.

You have said you don't trust her now and don't want to communicate with her for a while, that's pretty damming stuff for a so called friend who's only fault in this is being married to a tosser.

I didn't mean to upset you and I apologise if I have but I do think that from what you've said there is a chance you did bore this man and didn't realise it and you have to bear that in mind when deciding what to do.

The thing that has shocked me the most on here is how many people are willing to wade in and decide a man is abusive (particularly when you haven't made any comment to reinforce that) rather than look for any other possible alternatives.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 31/03/2014 18:34

I do think that from what you've said there is a chance you did bore this man

Sorry, but 300+ posts later, this is still irrelevant bearbehind.

YNK · 31/03/2014 18:36

Errr that IS a possible alternative, and fwiw, no one is saying mrsr should feel obliged to find out!!!!

'IF' this guy is abusive at home, that is reason enough for the op to refuse to become entangled with him in rescuing her friend!

YouTheCat · 31/03/2014 18:36

But there is no excuse for his behaviour at all.

Anything else is irrelevant. The OP could have talked about toasters for 2 hours but it is the friend's husband who is at fault here, completely.

If he behaved like that in public and thinks it's fine to do so, what is he likely to be like behind closed doors?

YNK · 31/03/2014 18:38

Sorry that was to bb, not mrsr.

I was not suggesting that an alternative explanation is that you are boring mrsr!!!

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 18:39

Because behaving like this is abusive.

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:51

' My posts were an attempt to get you to question exactly what happened and how it came about.

How patronising. I was there. My only conflict was whether to confront her about it or not. Whether he was bored or not makes no better or worse his aggressive treatment of me.

My work problem wasn't boring, and my friend wasn't bored - that's another thing you'll just have to trust me on. I am not willing to discuss it here.

Also, my DH is not exactly the sort of man to lose his temper over it nor be 'totally unconcerned'. He actually tried to make me laugh about it by saying how odd this man was- so his actions make sense to me.

I cannot and have no intention of sending you a script of the night or going into the details of how every single minute was occupied. Again, you just have to trust my assessment of the evening, something you seem unwilling to do.

There's not much else for you to add to this thread is there?

OP posts:

BlueSkySunnyDay · 31/03/2014 18:52

MrsRuffallo we really dont know how the conversation went that evening, what I can say is with the way this thread has gone there has only been one person banging on about their point of view, and it wasnt you.

If this woman was a really good friend I would perhaps ask her if she felt you went on too much but personally I dont feel she is responsble for her husband's bad behaviour. Lets face it if she felt he had been out of order she would already have found a way to broach the subject with you.

I dont think its at all strange that your husband was in the kitchen clearing up - that is what my H does all the time (although to be fair our guests are generally staying overnight) A friends H actually starts "clearing up" when he feels the evening should be winding down - I dont think genuine friends are that formal with each other are they? How tiresome to have friends with whom you have to observe some kind of formal social etiquette

Aeroflotgirl · 31/03/2014 18:54

Op it's not your friends fault, do not blame her for her nasty h actions. You do not know what goes in behind closed doors. He could well be abusive to her a swell. She sees you as a good friend, I think she might just need your support in the future.

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 18:57

Well, yes, blue sky, exactly. He said 'bye to them, they left the room, he stayed in the kitchen, I walked downstairs with them. Apparently this causes outrage in some circles.

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 18:58

mrsruffallo

Ignore them

Do you think he could be a git in private?

Original poster

mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 19:02

I know, newt, I know. Sorry [deep breath] don't know is the answer there. He works long hours.

OP posts:

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