Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confront my friend about her husband's behaviour?

359 replies

mrsruffallo · 29/03/2014 10:37

I am having a hard time at work. Invited friend and her dh over for dinner last night and had a real moan about it. As they were leaving I thanked her for listening to me ranting and her husband leaned over me and yelled hard enough for spittle to hit my face, " next time tell someone who gives a shit!". They then left, whilst I attempted to laugh it off. I really want to ring her this morning but another part of me just wants to wash her hands of the whole situation.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 31/03/2014 07:01

Please point out exactly where I or anyone defended his actions.

Ok, dreadful choice of words on my part, I didn't mean 'defend his actions' I meant 'say that it wasn't rude'

I do think there are reasons why he felt the need to point out that the evening hadn't been quite what he'd expected but I do also think he should have done it in a better manner.

I don't think it can be stated that he is abusive on the back of one comment and I don't think it can be taken as gospel that this man was as aggressive as the OP claimed given that neither her husband (who would likely have heard yelling even if he hadn't been in the room) or his wife reacted to it at all.

On another tangent- isn't it also rude for your husband to be washing up as his guests are leaving?

Anyway- this is going round in circles and neither 'side' is going to agree so I really will (try to) step away.

WottaTheOdds · 31/03/2014 07:08

And I will try to follow your example Behind

Hope we cross paths again some time...it will be interesting to see if we are quite so much of one mind on other issues! Wine

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/03/2014 07:13

"isn't it also rude for your husband to be washing up as his guests are leaving?"

It is interesting that posters have overlooked this.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/03/2014 07:27

Its interesting also that posters are desperate to find some rudeness in the OP too.

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 15:43

Got to work this morning an there was an e mail from her saying;

' Thanks for a wonderful night, we had a great time. You are a true friend. I hope that everything goes well at work today, '

I haven't answered yet.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 31/03/2014 15:50

Perhaps it really was his idea of a joke? Sounds like she isn't going to tackle it- question is do you want to revisit it or forget about it? Was she quite drunk?

struggling100 · 31/03/2014 15:51

I know a couple who sound a bit like your friends. She is lovely, normal, warm and kind. He is completely weird, has a drink problem, a personal hygiene problem, and no clue whatsoever how to deal with people. I have only had dinner with them once, and it was a disaster. He was so loud and offensive that the couple at the next table got up and said 'You make us sick!' before leaving. I ran after them to apologise that he'd wrecked their evening. When I got back, I had the temerity to express an opinion that disagree with his (gently! I don't do conflict!) and he started calling me 'Madam' as a way of patronising and belittling me. Just every sentence started 'Would Madam like...?' I was almost in tears.

Some people just don't have any social graces, especially not after alcohol. Chalk it up to experience, and avoid all contact with him like the plague.

InAGrump · 31/03/2014 15:51

I think he must have been joking. If in the evening he did not say negative comments or do much eye rolling, and if he commented during yhe and asked questions etc, now that his dw has sent you a message without apologising it was a poorly judged attempt at humour

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 15:51

Hi tallest tower. I was considering answering with ' I don't think your DH seemed to enjoy it, was he okay?' something along those lines.

OP posts:
YNK · 31/03/2014 15:53

Some people are abusive to their partners as well as others.
Their partners should not be held responsible for that!

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 15:53

She has completely minimised what he did.

I'd be tempted to tell her how utterly trashy I found her vile, scummy husband, how utterly shocking I found his Jeremy Kyle behaviour.

Eeewww.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 15:55

Struggling, why on Earth did you not order that thing to leave?

NoodleOodle · 31/03/2014 16:16

I would just see your friend on her own from now on, and keep and eye out to check that this isn't typical behaviour from him towards her. If that's the case, she really needs you as a friend.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 31/03/2014 16:22

I think "You are a true friend" in her e-mail today is pretty much code for "and thank you for putting up for my abusive husband" Sad

I would keep her as a friend and avoid him like the plague. I don't know how easy that is in reality...

Original poster
mrsruffallo · 31/03/2014 16:31

I texted her after expats post. I don't mind sticking my head in the sand for slightly rude behaviour but this needs addressing.
I sent ' Glad you enjoyed it, but your DH seemed unhappy about something, was he okay?'
She answered straight away with;
' We had a bit of a row before we came. Not your problem I know, sorry, just ignore him, that's what I do, ha ha'

Not good enough I'm afraid and don't want to correspond with her for a while.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 31/03/2014 16:34

Three things here:

  1. Your friend was drunk when he made the remark so may not have remembered quite how awful it was
  2. She is used to his "forthrightness" so may not expect that other people would be upset by his "little ways"
  3. She may know exactly how awful he was but is trying to minimize it

I think your suggested response was pretty good, you could maybe add that you were upset by what he had said to you, no point in pretending that you weren't.

rookiemater · 31/03/2014 16:35

Oops cross post - I hate it when people do that to minimise their DPs behaviour, it's happened to me a few times and it really winds me up.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 31/03/2014 16:36

So he was punishing her for disagreeing with him by alienating a 'true friend' to her.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 16:37

I'm afraid I cannot ignore someone spitting in my face and swearing at me in my own home after we hosted him. It's a real shame you find such behaviour acceptable. Ever. I do not and cannot ignore it.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 16:39

mrsruffallo

Chances are he's not very nice to her either. Poor her.

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 16:41

She is an adult who is making a choice to put up with a boar like this and excusing his behaving like this to others.

YOU do not have to ignore this guy's behaviour. He's scum.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 16:42

And there are plenty of abused women who have other people thinking they are responsible for their abusive husband's behaviour.

The tack I'd be taking - if I really liked her, is to ask whether he is like that with her

expatinscotland · 31/03/2014 16:43

I don't think she is responsible for his behaviour, but she does put up with it. That is her lookout. Excusing his visiting it on someone else is not. That's the OP's call.

YouTheCat · 31/03/2014 16:44

Can you see her without her husband? He really doesn't sound very nice at all and maybe she could do with a night out away from the asshat.

NewtRipley · 31/03/2014 16:47

expat

Sorry, my last post wasn't in response to yours, although it came straight after. I agree OP doesn't have to put up with it. But plenty of women do minimise their partner's bad behaviour in public (you see it all the time on here), either because they don't see quite how bad it is, or out of fear of retribution.

In several cases where I've had a feeling about friends' boorish or snappy DHs it has turned out that they have been abusive in private as well.