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AIBU?

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Original poster

About Ds Teacher wanting to call him something else ?

415 replies

CrazyHhas5kitties · 28/03/2014 16:49

So Ds 5 has come home from school a little bit upset & after asking bribing him to tell me what's wrong I'm unsure how to deal/react to it .

Right so for the sake of keeping my anonimity (sp) I have changed the names .

So Ds is called Tom & has a class mate called Thomas from what I can gather Thomas' mum has told their Teacher that Thomas must now be called Tom so the Teacher has told Ds that he must be called Thomas so everybody doesn't get confused Hmm

Ds said 'but that's not my name' but apparently that's how it has to be Hmm because everybody can't be confused by two children with the same name , even though Tom is what's on my Ds birth certificate not Thomas

So if I haven't lost/confused you all what should I do about this ?

I will be seeing the Teacher Monday so I will say something I'm just unsure of what to say

OP posts:
storynanny · 31/03/2014 22:38

Hi, very old teacher back again. That teacher can not talk to you like that. Tell the head and put it in writing to the school office.
I have had to bite my tongue over the last 35 years at some name spellings, eg, Dayzeee, Louise(for a boy) because that is what parents wanted their children called. No way should a professional teacher make any comment about a childs name or decide to change it.
Re your son's name. It reminded me of a reception class I had many years ago. On the first day I called Alexander in the register as written, and the little boy piped up, yes that is my name and I won't answer if you call me Alex.
As if I would dare..

storynanny · 31/03/2014 22:41

You could word it something like....just as a follow up to the misunderstanding which has upset xxx, I am just writing to reiterate that his birth name is xx not yyy. Please can you ensure that subsequent teachers are fully aware.

YouTheCat · 31/03/2014 22:44

When I meet a new group of children I get given a list with their names on but I always ask what they prefer to be known as, such as if there is a Louis I will ask if he prefers Louie or Louis, or I'll ask a Joseph if he gets called Joe.

I expect them to use my correct name, so it's only right that I use theirs.

Pipbin · 31/03/2014 22:47

Like storynanny, first day in the class I ask children with long names like Thomas, Alexander and Esmeralda if they would rather be Tom, Alex or Esme. I then go with whatever they tell me.

My given name is a shortened version of a name and I used to get very annoyed with people calling me the longer version.

Quinteszilla · 31/03/2014 22:47

Good grief you need to go to the head. It is insane!

Pipbin · 31/03/2014 22:47

cross post with youthecat there.

nickymanchester · 31/03/2014 22:52

As some others have said, I really do feel that a nice letter to the HT confirming what has been said will be very helpful, regardless of whether there is any repetition. It is always good to have a paper trail.

Alternatively, send a letter to the teacher confirming what your understanding of the meeting was and what the outcome was. Again, you have a paper trail. In this case, copy in the HT with the letter so that she/he is aware of it as well.

Dear Ms plonkerofateacher,

Following our conversation yesterday I would just like to confirm the outcome.

It transpired that you were unaware of my son's proper name. The name on his birth certificate is Xandur; this is neither a misspelling nor a shortened form of any other name.

I objected very strongly to you calling him by any other name. In particular, I made you aware that calling my son Alexander is totally unacceptable.

You agreed that you will only call my son by his correct name and, in particular, that you will not call him Alexander. If this does happen then I will escalate this issue to the Board of Governors.

Yours

extremelyp*edoffCrazyh

Original poster
CrazyHhas5kitties · 31/03/2014 23:21

nicky That is perfect I'll make a copy & hand it to the Teacher & the head Thank you Smile Smile

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 31/03/2014 23:22

^ yes that letter is good, but I'd put in something about DS's feelings being hurt and perhaps his additional needs if you think it's relevant.

The teacher needs a stern word/retrain from the head on this issue.

MidniteScribbler · 31/03/2014 23:54

Children are often given one name, but use another, whether it be a nickname or they are known by their middle name, or any other reason. I'll use the 'known as' in all general day to day school life, BUT the child does need to know that they have a more formal name as that is what will need to be used on official documentation. Using a different name then getting upset when school reports or IEPs etc are in the name on the child's birth certificate is unreasonable.

(Not talking about the OP here, just referring to those posts talking about children who prefer a different name to what is on their birth certificate.)

wishful75 · 31/03/2014 23:54

Whilst I totally agree your ds should be called by his own name I think the other parent has every right to use a shortened version of her ds name if they want too.

I have a Xander, he was Xander since birth but legally registered as Alexander as it is a family name. No way in hell would we call him Alexander to go with his birth certificate to keep another parent happy. There would have to be a compromise with surnames like Xander b and xander c or something.

sykadelic · 01/04/2014 00:36

I agree with putting in there something about how he isn't able to fully express himself, or how he tried to express that it wasn't his name and he wasn't listened to, or that she should have spoken with you first as she is aware sudden change can be disruptive for him.. etc etc.

I also would specify that Xandur is the name on his birth certificate and not Alexander, but even if it were, it is completely inappropriate for her to "decide" to change your sons name and that in future, you would expect any such decision to be discussed with his parents first.

AuditAngel · 01/04/2014 05:15

DS is called Alessandro Valentino. We call him Valentino, but Tino for short. When registered at school we explained that his given Name was Valentino. All his labels were made up this way, but we were happy that he uses Tino informally, but needs to know his full name. We got a note home that Valentino was asking only to use Tino as Valentino was too much to write, were we happy with this? Yes, of course we are. DS is now in year 5 and still has Tino on all his books etc.

However last week I got a letter home about "Alessandro's attendance" I ignored the fact they had used his first name rather than his given name and went for the jugular on the content of the letter (why are you sending me a standard letter asking if there is a reason for his attendance being below 95% when you are supposed to be dealing with the bullying issue?)

None of our DC have another child with the sme name in their classes, although DD1 is Gabriela (one L as it is the Spanish version) is called by her full name at a club as there is a younger Ella there. But again, they asked if this was OK? We did have the spelling problem with her name as pictures kept coming home with 2 l's in the name, and one of the reception teachers (not DD's teacher) was really apologetic saying she should have twigged as her husband is Spanish.

I don't get why the teacher can't cope with similar names. DD2 is 3, one of her best friends is "LucyJones" said all in one as there was already a Lucy when LucyJones joined the nursery.

dramaleader · 01/04/2014 05:48

Agreed that the teacher's behaviour was very odd. At that age it's up to parents to say how they want their children to be known.

However as children get older that can change. I run a youth theatre group and as new members join I ask them how they want to be known - by their full names or a shortened version. By the time DCs are teenagers they can have quite strong views on the subject, not always the same views as their parents. Some dislike their names and have come to be known by friends by a nickname nothing like their given name. Some who have been given names with unconventional spelling insist that the more conventional version is used on programmes etc.

I go along with what the child wants at that age. If they find their given names "embarrassing" for some reason, as some do, I will go along with what they want.

misskatamari · 01/04/2014 07:14

I can't believe the teacher told you what your sons name "should" be! Shock

diddl · 01/04/2014 07:38

What a fab name.

no wonder the other mum wants to copy it

Now I'm probably wrong, but to me Xander is more often a name on it's own, not really a shortening of Alexander anyway.

Not saying it can't be used as one, but aren't Alex/Al more usual?

wishful75 · 01/04/2014 07:58

I don't see xander as a stand alone name at all, in this country at any rate. Its common knowledge its a diminutive version of Alexander.

I hate alex and dont really care for others such as sandy. As a die hard Buffy fan it was always going to be
Xander for us lol.

Original poster
CrazyHhas5kitties · 01/04/2014 08:50

wish I know a few Xanders & none of them are short for Alexander & my Ds name is Greek so is a stand alone name.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyHhas5kitties · 01/04/2014 08:51

Audit I love your Ds' name's Smile

OP posts:
Topseyt · 01/04/2014 08:56

It really isn't for a teacher to try and dictate to parents what the names of their children should be. What a nerve. I hope you get a more sensible response from the head.

I like the name Xandur. I hadn't actually heard it before reading this thread. It is a nice name.

wowfudge · 01/04/2014 09:08

The teacher has not thought this through - yes tell them his name is Tom and if there is a real need to differentiate between the two children add the surname or it's initial and they should leave it at that.

How on earth would this teacher have coped with my school class where there were 4 Sarahs, 2 Simons, 2 Johns and 3 Louises? There were only about 20 of us as well! I cannot remember there ever being any confusion and there wasn't much name shortening, etc going on.

Original poster
CrazyHhas5kitties · 01/04/2014 09:13

Topsey Smile

OP posts:
pixiepotter · 01/04/2014 09:14

'Its a tiny school (100 pupils)'

That is not tiny!! That would be a big school inthis area!

CeliaFate · 01/04/2014 09:18

I can't believe the stupidity and arrogance of that teacher!

I'd write to the headteacher, but I wouldn't in all honesty be happy about this woman teaching my son if she's that thick.

LtEveDallas · 01/04/2014 09:21

I know a couple of Xanders, and would have used it if DD had been a boy (wanted Willow for a girl but DH veoted it Sad). We wouldn't have had Alexander on the birth cert.

I know 5 Alexanders and they are all Alex, less one that is Sandy. I don't know any Alexanders that are Xander, less Alexander Harris of course!

Oh I also know a Zander, but am really not keen on that.

Teacher is a fool in this case, and reminds me of DDs Yr 1 teacher - maybe it's the same one!