To tell Dh it is not ok to leave 10yr old ds and 6 yr old dd alone in the house?

[StartRight]

Dh is making me feel that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I came back from work today (later than usual as had a meeting) to find Dh in the car on the drive about to take ds2 to beavers.

He was going to leave ds1 and dd1 in the house while he dropped ds2 off! They are only 10 and 6.

Dh says they were both settled watching tv and he would only have been gone for 5mins.

However I am appalled and feel shocked that he has considered doing this. I'm really upset and feel cross but can't be cross as Dh is making out that I'm over reacting.

Am I?

My DS is four so of course it was better for
Me to take him FFS. We had an accident, I was there dealt with it. And Cory you seem to be forgetting the path of
Our conversation. You were accusing me
Of not ever letting my child go out alone to
School etc and I was correcting you that in fact I would as he is in public with people to call on.

And because obviously the risk of them having an accident/choking lessens as they get older hence feeling more Comfortable at 12 than 6. 6 years make a big difference in risk assessment and understanding and maturity. Obviously. Whatever we do there are risks. Until my child is old enough, I will be there at home
With them and not leave them alone. You can continue to ask me questions as to why, most I believe I have answered however none will change my mind.
Sorry - it's my parenting and I'm aware I'm in the minority. My DP agrees with me so atleast I won't have to have this debate with him!

Bowlers - isn't the point that it is particularly selfish to force your children to be with you all the time when it is really affecting the quality of their lives?

For an example of what children are capable of, read "A Bag of Marbles" by Joseph Joffo. No, you wouldn't ideally want to send your 10 and 12 year old DCs travelling across the country on their own with little money and few possessions for years on end fleeing Nazis who want to send them to the gas chamber, but see what they are capable of in that scenario!

I have no idea if the nspcc thing was dramatic license or not I just remembered seeing it on the site.

I also recall not sure when perhaps 2011 something of a discussion about a 14yo looking after a 3 yo (not sure of the circumstances as its in the recesses of my mind) and the mum being cautioned by the police probably Scotland.

All children are different I have a 17 year old who due to a disability requires supervision all the time and still will when he gets to 40 50 ect.

I also have a 14yo who can cope in the house for very short times but won't set foot out of the house without a carer.

My neighbour has a 12 yo whose confident and fine for a few hours here and there pottering around or going into the town same as my dd was at the same age.

But I do think its quite strange when your talking about much younger children especially 6year olds

This is 5 minutes though, it can take me more than that to put all the recycling bins out on bin day and I leave my 3 and 2 year old in the front room playing.
The likelihood of anything apart from the OP's DC raiding the biscuit tin in 5 minutes seems far too small for it to be risky.

You are being understandably protective of your children, but YABU. What your DH was proposing may not have been the decision you would have made in his place but it was a perfectly justifiable and reasonable decision for him to have made, and it was for him to make it as he was in charge at that moment and able to judge the dynamics etc.

As you can see, views range on this (I am with the fine to leave for 5 mins camp incidentally but accept there are other views). You have no particular right to dominate child decisions when your DH is doing the child care. You need to accept that what he did was perfectly valid and probably apologise to him for over reacting, albeit with good and loving maternal intentions. You have to accept that he too feels protective and loving, and simply made a different judgment call.

Point of interest: do any children still make their own way to school at 9 or 10 years old? I know times have changed since children of 5 and up were sent out to play all day on the streets but surely not so much that you can't leave them quietly watching TV in a nice secure house for 5 mins?? What on earth might happen to them that might not happen to a 15 year old, or a 40 year old? Even a 6 year old should be able to leave the house if it catches fire, to dial 999 in an emergency and to survive 5 minutes alone... better drowned than duffers, eh?

MsMischief, if you have that many children it is still your responsibility to look after them all. Not pick and chose, and take the easy option all the time

Not forever it isn't. If it was, my Mum would be bundling me into the back of a people carrier every morning and doing a round trip around all her children's workplaces. You don't have to look after them all the time when they are at an age where it is appropriate to leave them for 5 minutes and to do so isn't 'picking and choosing' or taking 'the easy option all the time'. It's ridiculous to drag older kids on every tiny errand, both logistically and in the sense of independence being a slow letting go rather than a baptism of fire at 18.

I have a primary school not far from mine, you don't tend to see the kids walking alone until the last year or so about 10/11

Can I ask all the people who say it's not okay and shouldn't be done if you think the people who do do this are bad parents and should be 'educated' or something else done to make them stop doing this. Equally the same question can be asked the other way around.

IMO I think this would be okay depending on how the children are with each other although I might think the 6 yo was borderline. I don't think the parents who are dead against it are bad parents at all but I do think they might be a little bit overprotective. As I said though I think the 6yo is borderline myself.

PlumProf my DS started walking to school around 8/9 years old and DD1 will start to next year as well.
Just rehashing the 'what if there was an accident in the home' argument and it still doesn't wash. A month ago I was in the house alone with DD2 (2yo) and fell down 4 stairs and into a wall, coming very close to knocking myself out. Between the pain in my foot (broken as it turns out) and the mild concussion what use would I have been to a defenseless toddler if I'd been knocked out? About as much use as DS would have been in the same situation I would imagine...
The argument doesn't make sense.

YABU I was babysitting at the age of 10, for up to 3 children at a time, in strangers' houses, in the evening. rural life for you

I think YABU and over protective, your DH was fine.

My son walked home from 7 nearly 8. Other parents complained to the head teacher, they were worried for his safety and thought their children might try and copy him.
We live less than 5 mins from school, I can see the school from my house.

MsMischief - you are going from one extreme to another. There is not just one jump from not being comfortable with leaving a 6 year old home alone with a 10 year old, to a baptism of fire for an 18 year old to suddenly be let loose in the big world. There are many years between 10&6 and 18 to let independence grow gradually and steadfastly, with confidence.

Just because my 10 year old would never have been left with my 6 year old, doesn't mean that at 12 they wouldn't be meeting up in town independently with friends, or at 14 they wouldn't take themselves off independently on a train. Or at 17 to pass their driving test and start driving themselves around and about with their friends.

6 is very very little in my book, and mine wouldn't have been left. I'm totally with the OP, and Red.

My dd started walking to school with a friend when she was 9. It took them about 10 minutes and they had one road to cross with a pelican crossing. This was 8 years ago and lots of her friends did the same, some from a younger age.
I don't mind what parents chose to do with their own children (within reason). I might think they are a little over protective but I wouldn't think that makes them bad parents or even that they needed to be educated as they are making just as valid a decision in taking their children with them all the time as I would be in leaving mine at home. We all just have different ways of doing things.

So what are you saying Ploppy? That a 2 year old may as well be home alone in case her carer knocks herself out and can't look after her anyway?

What did the school do, Notso?

"I would never ever make parenting decisions based on how awful I would feel if something bad happened

Pagwatch - that's about the opposite to how I feel then!

I have always made age related decisions based on that very premise. In this case I wouldn't have left my 10 year old in charge of my 6 year old. I feel it's too young. If anything untoward happened to the 6 year old, falling down the stairs and breaking his neck (or whatever) that would have been my fault for leaving them. I would have to face my husband, social services, and my guilty conscience for making that decision. I would carry that guilt forever. Along with the sorrow and devastation."

bowlersarm
Well we are allowed to feel completely differently

To me, guilt based parenting is about you not about the child. And that is selfish in my book. If I said no everytime I had that 'yes but what if' feeling hit the back of my neck I would be supplanting what was right for my child and my family for what made me feel safe.
Chikdren love independence and responsibility. It's a skill that is learnt over time and practice and mistakes. It gives them confidence and self respect. It's bloody marvellous. I would not deny them whati feel is a vital part of growing up because I fretted about the fall out if something went wrong.
And to be honest - when something awful happens we tend to blame ourselves anyway. I won't do it. I won't parent according to a souped up version of 'but what would the neighbours think'

YABU. Cannot see the issue.

Kendodd

In answer to your question I genuinely could not care less what others do.
On here I will discuss it in an abstract and anonymous way.
In real life people do what works for them and that's none of my business.
Fortunately if people think I offer to much freedom I could not care less

As you say Pag, we allowed to disagree. But, maybe those guilt based 'what if' feelings are there for a reason. To make you (not you personally) parent responsibly.

I leave my six year old to go to the shop (which is literally across the road from our house, less than two minutes walk away).

You really should be able to leave a 10 year old in a house alone for a short while.

This bubble wrap parenting thing is very strange.

Earlier this week I spoke to a family member who totally flipped at my suggestion her 14 year old daughter could do a 1 hr train journey to relative alone.

Hmm, maybe we are talking at cross purposes . The back of the neck feeling is the irrational 'omg I don't want my 17 year old child behind the wheel of a car' thought.
The 'oh my god, my child is juggling knives ' thing is rational.

If I think, from what I know of my child, that a situation is one he can reasonably manage - like being at home for 5 minutes with a six year old sibling - then I do it. I then ignore the 'but what if the boiler should explode ' irrational stuff .

Bowlersarm no, I put that put that badly
My point was that my toddler would have been in the exact same position had it been my 13 year old who half knocked himself senseless while in charge rather than me so that particular what if doesn't work for me.