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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Dh it is not ok to leave 10yr old ds and 6 yr old dd alone in the house?

259 replies

StartRight · 25/03/2014 21:56

Dh is making me feel that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I came back from work today (later than usual as had a meeting) to find Dh in the car on the drive about to take ds2 to beavers.

He was going to leave ds1 and dd1 in the house while he dropped ds2 off! They are only 10 and 6.

Dh says they were both settled watching tv and he would only have been gone for 5mins.

However I am appalled and feel shocked that he has considered doing this. I'm really upset and feel cross but can't be cross as Dh is making out that I'm over reacting.

Am I?

OP posts:
RedandChecker · 26/03/2014 13:23

I think it would depend on the child truffe, their level of maturity and understanding. 12 maybe, but not to look after a younger sibling of a young age.

Edenviolet · 26/03/2014 13:24

I left dd1 (12) on her own for the first I me yesterday for 45 mins as she was off school but ds1 had an appointment. I got her to phone me twice in that time so I knew she was ok.

I don't think I'd leave a 10 and 6 year old though just in case.

fs2013 · 26/03/2014 13:25

It is much easier to tell them to run to the car quickly than coming home
To an accident and feeling incredibly guilty.

It's much easier to do nothing than get them into the car.

It's much more likely that they would be in an accident in the car than at home, leaving you feeling incredibly guilty for putting them in the car".

Well said MsMischief!

I think it's fine

kilmuir · 26/03/2014 13:26

Yabvu

cory · 26/03/2014 13:26

Well, that was very good, Red, but if he had been sitting quietly at home on the sofa, he would not have needed an ambulance, would he? Are you really saying being comforted by you for his head injury is better than not having a head injury in the first place?

And besides, what if you had been the one with the head injury you would not have been able to comfort him. It was mere chance that he was the one injured and not you.

fs2013 · 26/03/2014 13:27

Hedgehog80 that sounds a bit much. Twice in 45 mins? If only her first time I guess you were worried? Just thinking she might think you don't trust her!

CharityCase · 26/03/2014 13:28

cory interesting point te the car vs walking. study after study shows that humans, despite their intelligence, are terrible at assessing risk. I forget which book it was in ( black swan theory perhaps) where they showed that people had very little instinctive concept of the relative risks of certain courses of action or likelihood of events.

TruffleOil · 26/03/2014 13:28

I think 6 is relatively an age of reason, Red. They're not toddlers. Crucially, though, there's a 10 year old left in charge and I definitely think a 10 year old is capable of being left for an hour or two if they want to.

My 11 year old wants desperately for me to disband with the Fri/Sat night sitters for him and my 8 year old. I am OK with them staying alone from say, 8-10, kind of, if I'm around the corner at a local - but am worried about choking or falling down stairs. I also don't want them alone while sleeping. How did people decide when to leave older kids alone without a friday/saturday night sitter?

Dinosaursareextinct · 26/03/2014 13:29

Bowler - I don't understand your post - if you let your 6 year old go around the house on their own without your constant supervision, then there is a tiny risk that they will fall down the stairs and break their neck, whether you're in or not.

Redand - what I mean by "longhaul" is that you will still be babying your children at a time when almost all other parents will have allowed them to develop some independence and to start to live small parts of their lives away from their parents (eg at home alone, or allowed to go to the shops alone). You are IMO artificially prolonging the small child stage.

fs2013 · 26/03/2014 13:32

I leave my 10 year old for up to 30 mins home alone and started leaving her 5-10 mins from age 8 ish. I don't check up on her but my number is sellotaped to the phone for her to call me.

My sister would reguarly leave her 6 and 10 year old home alone for an hour at a time or out playing with front door unlocked, I didn't really agree with that but her kids have survived and she is a great mum and it's what we used to do!

Bowlersarm · 26/03/2014 13:33

Dinosaur ok, maybe not a good example. Change breaking neck from falling down the stairs to playing with knife, lighting a match, fighting with his brother etc.

notso · 26/03/2014 13:35

Bowlers surely you don't accompany a 6 year old up and down stairs if you are there though. So the could fall if you are there or not.

FraidyCat · 26/03/2014 13:35

I find the British particularly cautious in this area, in Germany nobody at all would bat an eyelid

Compared to the standards I grew up with, people here are batshit crazy. At primary school age, I used to go anywhere within bicycling distance that i wanted to. As long as I was home by sundown, my parents didn't know or care where I was.

When I was home alone, I did open the door to frequent strangers who rang, usually visiting in relation to fathers work. None of them were axe-murderers.

cory · 26/03/2014 13:35

RedandChecker Wed 26-Mar-14 13:23:17
"I think it would depend on the child truffe, their level of maturity and understanding. 12 maybe, but not to look after a younger sibling of a young age."

Good heavens! You'd even be hesitant about leaving a 12yo on his own for an hour or so. Shock

So how is he going to cope with going out with his friends when he gets to secondary? (or will he be the only one not allowed?) Will his girlfriend be happy for you to come on their trips out? How are you going to explain to the school that he is the only one not allowed to walk without a teacher on the field trip?

Maturity grows with responsibility. Children who are thrown into indepence suddenly risk making more and more dangerous mistakes.

notso · 26/03/2014 13:35

X-post.

Discobugsacha · 26/03/2014 13:35

I think yabu. A 6yo should be able to be on their own in their own house for up to half an hour. And I think you are doing your 10yo no favours by not letting them have some independance. I leave my 8yo for up to 2 hours alone and he is fine. He is sensible and knows what to do in an emergency. There are certain life skills that children can't learn if there is always adults hovering around them. My neighbours 10yo gets a bus and then a tube across London to get themselves to school and back. Teaching children how to cope alone is essential IMO.

notso · 26/03/2014 13:38

I think if my DC hurt themselves doing something stupid like playing with matches or knives while I wasn't there I would feel just as bad if they were 6 or they were 10. I would assume if I felt happy leaving them they would know this was wrong and dangerous.

RedandChecker · 26/03/2014 13:39

Jesus.

By not wanting to leave a 6 or 10 year old home alone I would be Prolonging the small child stage. FFS. Don't be so rediculous. I do not baby my child. I look after him. Having them with you is not babying them what a rediculous
Thing to say. They are tol young. 12 fine, 6
Not fine. BIG difference. Being with friends and on a school
Trip is completely different aswell how can you not see that? There would be responsible adults within shouting distance !!! A child alone had no one!

If I had had the head injury DS would have still had adults around. 2 adults attended the car immediately and one police officer arrived in two. That wouldn't have been the case if he was ALONE out of sight of a responsible
Adult.
It is my responsibility to look after
My DS, taking him with me is looking after him leaving him home alone is not.

I'm not budging on this one I'm afraid. It's my
Opinion and my parenting I do not baby him
And school trips etc are totally different when an adult
Is present.
Is that not obvious.

cory · 26/03/2014 13:41

Red, do you even know what a 12yo looks like?

My 13yo is 5 foot 10 and is clearly in need of a razor. If we ever got into a dodgy situation he would be far more of a protection to me than I would be able to be to him. He is perfectly capable of safely handling any kitchen implements that I can handle myself though he is far too lazy to do so. At school he regularly deals with dangerous equipment such as bunsen burners, electric drills and sewing machines. Physically he is a man, and though he is obviously not a man mentally, I can see that he needs to be allowed to practise at the job.

He was hardly a baby at 12 either, and it was very obvious that he needed independence and the chance to make (some of) his own decisions. The one time he did have to deal with a crisis he did so efficiently and capably.

Having another child who will be 18 at her next birthday, I am very aware of how much they need to learn and what a help it is to them if they are given enough time to do so.

Bowlersarm · 26/03/2014 13:42

Ok, notso then we just differ. I wouldn't have left my 6 year old with my 10 year old. I don't think they are mature enough. You would. Different parenting.

RedandChecker · 26/03/2014 13:42

I don't see the point in your post when I said I would
Leave a 12 year old Cory.

cory · 26/03/2014 13:43

"And school trips etc are totally different when an adult
Is present."

My point was that an adult was not present: they were dropped off in the town centre and told to walk around in small groups. The school explained that this was a deliberate exercise in independence.

RedandChecker · 26/03/2014 13:44

Cory - so we are talking 20+ kids in a populated area. Not a child out of sight alone?
Completely different.

sadsaddersaddest · 26/03/2014 13:46

I was often left in charge of my two younger brothers when I was 10 - there never was a problem.
I sometimes leave my 7-year-old and my 4-year-old for 5 minutes when I go to buy some bread 5 houses away.

cory · 26/03/2014 13:47

You said "12 maybe", Red. It was the "maybe" I found strange.

Even in the UK, it is normal for secondary school children to take themselves to school alone, on foot or by public transport (bus, train or tube). What this leads to is that children of this age expect to be allowed out in their spare time; to go into town or to the cinema. A Yr 7/8 child (i.e. an 11/12yo) who is not allowed this will stand out and feel different. And if they are allowed out on their own it would seem odd not to let them stay in on their own.