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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Dh it is not ok to leave 10yr old ds and 6 yr old dd alone in the house?

259 replies

StartRight · 25/03/2014 21:56

Dh is making me feel that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I came back from work today (later than usual as had a meeting) to find Dh in the car on the drive about to take ds2 to beavers.

He was going to leave ds1 and dd1 in the house while he dropped ds2 off! They are only 10 and 6.

Dh says they were both settled watching tv and he would only have been gone for 5mins.

However I am appalled and feel shocked that he has considered doing this. I'm really upset and feel cross but can't be cross as Dh is making out that I'm over reacting.

Am I?

OP posts:
Martorana · 26/03/2014 08:47

I think the "fucking mental" comment applied to leaving 6 and 3 year olds alone.

Which, if the concept of "going fucking mental" is one you are happy with, seems quite a good time to time to do it.

TruffleOil · 26/03/2014 08:50

Mine are 11 and 8 and I started leaving them for 5 minutes (to go to corner shop) a couple of years ago.

I think YABVVVVVVU. It's not a big deal.

TruffleOil · 26/03/2014 08:52

Also, why are people worried about the SS? It doesn't figure into my daily operation.

Shimmyshimmy · 26/03/2014 08:59

Why do SS know your dcs better than you? I know dcs I wouldn't trust in my house at aged 16 - but I know my dcs, I have taught them what to do in the event of an emergency and I don't come home - they need to learn this stuff anyway...I'm not surprised we have adults behaving as children, we don't allow them to grow up anymore!

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 26/03/2014 09:01

YABU. They're sat watching TV. What on earth do you imagine will happen to them in five minutes?

Martorana · 26/03/2014 09:04

"Also, why are people worried about the SS? It doesn't figure into my daily operation."

Social workers are constantly hovering round, waiting to swoop in and take your children away to be adopted by one legged lesbian couples on the slightest pretext, didn't you know? Well, I suppose it's better than them being abducted by aliens to form the basis of a race of clone slave humans............

TruffleOil · 26/03/2014 09:08

Social workers are constantly hovering round, waiting to swoop in and take your children away to be adopted by one legged lesbian couples on the slightest pretext,

This is why my taxes are so high, innit.

TryingToBePractical · 26/03/2014 09:12

DH once left DD1 home alone while he popped to the corner shop (5 mins walk, no road to cross). DD2 went with him (DD1 9 and DD2 8 at the time - DD2 wanted to go or he would have left her too). In principle I thought it was fine for her to be home alone in those circs, but it was the first time it happened and he had not been through the drill with her, so I dont think for example she knew not to answer the door. I was a bit cross about that. We have since left them both (now 10 and 9) for similar length of times, and it is fine (they now know the drill, dont fight and are sensible).
In your case, I would want to know if he had talked them through things first, and I would pause a bit about the 6 year old, but it depends on the children, how sensible they are and whether they get on.

NannyK7H · 26/03/2014 09:15

What if something had happened though even in that 5 minutes - a crisis where your DH would be gone longer. Not likely but could happen...
Also, I have an elder sister who used to look after me with this age gap (just waiting for mum to get home for work etc) and she really resented it for years. She was super sensible and did really well in school etc but says she felt punished by having to look after me. Although this was because it was more frequent and your 10y/or probably thought it was a novelty this time.
I think if it's DEFINITELY 5 minutes and no longer then it's fine, and as a one off. If it's any consolation, one of my previous MBs told me she left the baby sleeping in the cot while she went and got older one from nursery!!

pianodoodle · 26/03/2014 09:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I seem to be in the minority!

Mine are still babies so maybe I'll change my mind when they're 6.

Doubt it though.

Driveway · 26/03/2014 09:19

Five minutes I think would be Ok to be honest.

TruffleOil · 26/03/2014 09:19

Though it's not ideal, a 10 year old could rise to the occasion if something happened to the person who had left them (which is pretty unlikely). This is why you drill your mobile phone numbers into their heads, leave them programmed on the landline, etc.

cory · 26/03/2014 09:32

I'm in the probably ok camp.

For the record, my ds was 11 when he came home from school and found an older family member had injured herself and was in a state of shock. He managed to calm her down, get her to a place of safety, keep her warm and get an ambulance. There really wasn't anything I could have done that he didn't do that.

I do think the move to further independence which starts in junior school should be thought through and planned, though, so that you can build up through baby steps.

It is probably worth starting to do that now with your 10yo: remember a lot of independence will be expected of them in secondary school and it is easier to have a gradual build-up.

Pagwatch · 26/03/2014 09:35

I'd leave them at that age.

A sensible 10 year old with a sibling they get on with for 5 minutes.
Yes of course I would.

Shimmyshimmy · 26/03/2014 09:38

I completely agree cory too many parents are terrified of trusting their dcs and so they restrict their exposure to responsibility and independence. This does your child no good, they don't learn the skills they need to in a gradual process by building up and before long they'll be of a certain age and will have the freedom anyway but they'll be too infantile to deal with it responsibly.

Mintyy · 26/03/2014 09:47

I just want to mention that here in scary South East London, a child who turns 11 on 1st September will be expected to get themselves on one, if not two buses, the tube or an overground train and appear at Secondary School all by themselves, carrying all their books and pe kit etc.

You do your children no favours if you don't teach them how to look after themselves and leave them on their own occasionally. The absolute best way to do this, I would have thought, is to start leaving them while you go out for a little while.

The "what about an accident?" question always crops up in these threads but it is a proper red herring. No human would ever do anything if the thought of an accident stopped them from going out. A nt 10 year old really should be able to use a phone and a door key.

HobbetInTheHeadlights · 26/03/2014 09:47

I've left my 8 year old for an actual 20 minute period in her home - knowing what to do in emergency.

We did this before we let her walk home by herself - as I think being in her house in front of a TV - which she didn't move from was much less of a risk that walking home with strangers about and mad car driving parents around.

I wouldn't leave my 6 year near 7 year old DS with her though because they can fight and because he's into everything so needs an adult in the house with him still.

So I would might be a bit hmm about the situation in the OP - with 6 year old.

I have found myself being a bit worried about what DH allows when he takes the 3 DC out - but he's not irresponsible just has slightly less risk adverse than me and it is hard because they haven't come to harm as he is his their parent as well.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/03/2014 10:08

Equal parenting does not mean standing by whilst the other parent does stuff that's neglectful or abusive or places a child at risk(not meaning the everything carries a risk type) where you can prevent it. That's called failure to protect.

If I was doing something that is the type of thing that is not unusual to see written as an issue in cp notes or as the reason for an police removal then I would expect them to stop me.

A child under 8 being left with a child of 10 would be one of those things.

Lots of safeguarding training tells people like primary teachers to report it if children disclose being left alone or in charge of younger siblings,it's a bit different when both are over 8.

When I worked for the LA it was one of the 4/5 most frequent reasons for referrals if a under 8 was involved action would always be taken.

Georgina1975 · 26/03/2014 10:13

I don't think it is fine for many reasons. Above all, I don't think a 10 year-old should have responsibility for a 6 year-old.

Martorana · 26/03/2014 10:13

I utterly refuse to believe that the social services would be even remotely interested in a 10 and 6 year old being left alone for 5 minutes while their sibling was taken to Beavers- unless there were other concerns as well.

Obviously, should one of those mysterious "anythings" happen, then the parents would be held responsible. But it isn't. So that's all fine.

looneytune · 26/03/2014 10:14

Only read the OP, in my opinion YANBU. I've started leaving my 10 year old on his own as he'll be at secondary school in September and I need to get used to him being on his own as he'll eventually want to walk home himself etc. ds2 is 6 in June and no way would I leave him on his own and I wouldn't leave him with ds1 either as I do trust ds1 on his own but not to be with ds2. Having said that, some 6 year olds can be so much more trustworthy so I guess it depends on the children.

MsMischief · 26/03/2014 10:23

I do this twice a week, every week. It's less than 10 minutes. They know not to answer the door or cook anything. They know how to use the phone and who to call. They know what the smoke alarm sounds like and what to do if there is a fire. They know to go next door if I'm not back after 20 minutes. Not once have I come back and they have been in a different position from the one I left them in.

redskyatnight · 26/03/2014 10:23

The point that no one has mentioned is that OP was late home from work, so reasonably expected to be back any minute.

Leaving the DC for 5 minutes to go to Beavers is only a significantly bigger problem than (say) hanging out washing at the end of the garden or going into the garage, because if there is some sort of accident on route the DC could end up on their own for hours.

This was never going to be a problem in this case as, even if DH had an accident, OP would have been home after too long. The chances of them both spontaneously combusting on route are so slim as to be negligible.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 26/03/2014 10:34

It's the addition of the 6 year old that makes it a problem.

Obviously action could be as little as a quick visit I'm not meaning to suggest that mi5 are going to burst into your house or anything like that but the 6 year old does make it an issue.

Last time I remember a thread on this subject matter the nspcc actually had in one of their case study blurbs on their site a 10yo who called having been left in charge of (if I'm remembering correctly) a 4yo,they had phoned in tears because they did not know how to stop them crying.they highlighted on their site that a under 8 would rarely not be considered to be an issue.

Obviously a lot is dependant on the 10yo are they nearer 11 are they super responsible and all that but in general terms its a problem.

and 5 minutes is not often accurate unless he timed it its something people say as a throw away comment

cory · 26/03/2014 10:59

I'd say it would also depend on the 6yo and the general habits of the family.

On the continent, this kind of scenario would be totally normal and it would be very unlikely that SS would take any kind of interest. Siblings are used to looking after younger children and a 6yo might well be making their own way to school.

There is no particular reason that a British 6yo and 10yo who had been well prepared by general expectations should prove any more clueless than their counterparts in Sweden or Germany.

In the present case, the 10yo would have known his mum was due back any minute, he would have known approximately how long it would take his dad to get to Beavers and back, at that age they can tell the time, there'd be no reason for panicking until it had been confirmed that both parents had indeed spontaneously combusted

I'd be very surprised if those were the circumstances of the 10yo quoted on the nspcc website. What's the betting that those were children who were left alone for a long time, with no plan for dealing with the situation and no clear idea of when their parents were coming back? In other words, children in a totally different situation?

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