AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

[MWNameChange]

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

Agree with pinkcustard (yum) its not a business meeting.

"MN is a fickle beast. Countless times I've read the suggestion of a babysitting service as advice. When someone actually uses one, they are blasted for leaving their child with strangers."

It's almost as if there are lots of different people posting here, some with different opinions! Having said that, I think it's mad to criticise someone for using a babysitter.

I agree with the suggestions of just bringing his bedtime half an hour forward that night - preferably after a busy and tiring day. I have done similar with my two and it's been fine.

Maybe they really wanted to try this restaurant, a birthday is the ideal opportunity and 7.45pm was the only booking free on that night? If you're going out with people you normally go out with, who are the same people you say normally work going out times around the kids, then how are all the other parents in the group dealing with it? They must be putting their kids to bed earlier, surely?

If you can definitely get there for 8pm then order in advance and get there at 8pm. However if your DS goes to bed at 7.30pm and goes to leep at 7.45, you then might do your lipstick, nip to the loo etc before your 30 min drive, you're definitely not going to be there by 8pm and I think the host realises that which is why he/she is pissed off.

I'm aware I sound like I'm on the host's side here, but I have my reasons. I wanted a night out for my 40th and invited a couple of friends (had already had a night out with colleagues and some friends live too far away, so there was just going to be the three of us). One moaned about the fact that I wanted to go for an Indian and the other said that as she needed to put the kids to bed, she couldn't leave the house until 8.30pm so wouldn't be out until 9. Apparently her DH couldn't do bedtime as she always did it . As it was clearly too much effort for them, I cancelled and I'm still pissed off at their lack of consideration to this day. I'm a single parent and funnily enough I managed to get to both of their 40ths on time .

I agree with the poster who suggested just one of you go. Would you do that if it means one of you could be there on time? Or, depending on when the night out is, start putting your DS to bed five minutes earlier each night until he's going at 7?

Ds has ASD so his routines are very important, no way would I wreck his routines for a birthday meal.

Why not read the menu online, and pre order your food? That'll save them waiting for you. :)

Morning! Thanks for all the opinions - I have taken them on board. I hadn't really thought about the clocks changing, so will use this week to bring his bed time forward and hopefully we will be all good to go in good time, and not be late.

Believe me, I really wish he wasn't so wary of people he doesn't know that well and so clingy to me - I don't think I have done anything to cause this and am working on slowly building his confidence. We are very confident sociable people ourselves and we make sure he has plenty of social opportunities.

I don't think throwing him in the deep end would help to toughen him up though. He is gradually getting less anxious in unfamiliar situations and I think he will be fine in time. I am very jealous of my friends whose children happily chat away with anyone and are happy to be left!

Chucking him in the deep end will undo all your hardwork.

Also it's good to have stranger awareness.

i think it might depend how you commincated with your friends - if you said that there was no way you could be there for 8 pm as you've to put your ds to bed I can see why they might be a bit annoyed. However, if you said there's a chance you'll be 10 minutes late as your son is going through a terrible clingy phase that makes it hard to leave the house without hysterics, then they'd probably be sympathetic and not mind.

I def wouldn't just chuck him in at the deep end either...if he's naturally cautious and a worrier, it's really not going to help.

My DS4 is just 4 and there is no way I would leave a stranger to put him to bed. He would probably do it without screaming but it would really unsettle him and for the sake of arriving 15 mins later at a meal when the host already knew I couldn't get there till 8pm...just not worth it IMO. But I have to admit I wouldn't yet leave him with a stranger to babysit either.

It's also not always possible to just put kids to bed 15 mins earlier. Mine can't tell the time yet but he goes to sleep at exactly the same time every night regardless of whether he's in bed 5 mins or 60 mins before. I'm dreading the hour going forward because it's very difficult to shift his body clock.

I think you need to tell a 4 year old (well, any aged child)in advance that a sitter is coming, As others have said, it is terrifying to wake up and find a stranger unexpectedly in your house and your parents have disappeared without warning. it would also be very difficult for a teenaged babysitter to cope with a distraught child.

I would second the suggestion of gettting the sitter over beforehand for your ds to meet him/her. Explain what is going to happen a little bit later on "do you remember when X came over? Well, she's going to come over again tomorrow night and she's going to read you a story! "sort of stuff - make it sound like a treat.
My ds regularly babsits for a family where one of the children gets upset about mum and dad going out for the evening, but is now used to my ds and so settles more easily.

When our dc were little they used to love having babysitters, so it was never a problem. One of my nieces was horrendous though, played up appallingly when my sister and her dh tried to go out, to the extent that they never went out unless grandparents were free to babysit. I think it's important to get your child used to having a babysitter so that you can go out occasionally.

If you really can't leave him, then don't. Either you or your dh will have to stay behind.

Sorry OP but I can see your friends point. It's THEIR birthday but you seem to have put an all about you slant on it 'I told them I wouldn't be able to make it til 8' 'I thought it would be somewhere local'.
Have you ever considered maybe your group of friends are a bit bored of your child care issues dictating activities/meals out?

ya both bu and both inflexible.

If they can sort a baby out, you should be able to put your 4 yo to bed 30 mins earlier. Our favourite restaurant has set dining times so I see where they are coming from.

In fact, if you are worried he will be unhappy to see you dressed to go out and act out, you may be late. If this a a storm in a teacup over 15 mins, it will be shitstorm if you are late.

Rag makes a good suggestion. If fact, one of you should drive anyway. You could put ds to bed (early) and leave early as necessary. Think of a reward if he behaves.

If you said you can only make it for 8, and they booked for 7.45, they should have expected you to be 15 min late and provided you a menu so you can preorder (if it was an issue with seating times.)

I cannot believe the amount of posters suggesting she turns clocks forward, upsets her child, etc.

The OP said she can't be there til 8. Whether that's because she's working, has a meeting, or is putting her child to bed is irrelevant.

The other party decided to ignore this and decide she can be there at 7.45, without even consulting her!

I suspect that the don't think you'll be there for 8 (I don't think you'll be either tbh having had similar problems in the past).

I suspect they're also pissed off that you and your friends are putting saving money above being on time for their party.

If it can't be helped then it can't be helped. They were probably just exasperated when they were snippy with you and it'll be fine on the night (unless it all goes tits up and the 4 of you rock up at 9pm moaning about the traffic).

It's common for people to arrive at different times for meals out in my group of friends. I don't see their problem; as a PP said you can just miss the starter. Takes half an hour for orders to even be taken in most places. Can you see the menu online and pre-order so it arrives soon after you get there?

I would be the same as you. Your dcs c

Dcs come first

OP, Yanbu. I'm astonished that people who are supposed to be friends are being so arsey. All of my friends are pretty relaxed about timings. If it was genuinely 15 minutes, it would be a complete non-issue. Even if it were 45 minutes, we'd just get on with starters etc and be glad to see the late arrivals whenever they arrived.

The only thing I wonder is whether they is some reason why it's important that everyone arrives on time- restaurant will only give them the table until a certain time, or another friend has to leave early so they''ll only be a short period of time when everyone will be there. If this is the case, though, it should have been explained to you, so you could have decided whether to come earlier or decline altogether.

Maybe the op's friends originally wanted to eat at 7pm and expect the op to compromise? It could be that the night needs to end at a set point and they want to get things started. It is only a 15 min change for both parties to sort out so it seems like there is more to it. The op doesn't consider her friends position IMO.

With my group of friends, the birthday person would get to choose. If this were my friend, I would sort out ds earlier. If i were the op I would ensure I would be there at 8 on the dot. I would ring friend and apologise for not getting there at the planned time and offer to pre order. I'd probably order a bottle wine for friend when she got to the restaurant. I'd have a fab night.

Sometimes the night is fluid, sometimes it needs to start at a specific point. I am planning a night out with friends in Summer. It has been a pita to sort out and I'm feeling exasperated dealing with each tiny variation.

One of my friends would like us to arrange every night out around her kid's bedtime or to include them. She is also always late for everything and it used to drive me insane. We agreed years ago that we would start without her. In addition, if she didn't want to go, she could say exactly that with no hard feelings.

If a friend has to leave early, that's the same as another friend arriving late, surely? One will miss the end and one will miss the beginning. Be annoyed with both or neither.

Perhaps the host just said something like "it's a shame MYnamechange will be late, bit annoying that we can't all get there at once, but hey " which has been relayed as X is annoyed. Maybe X isn't actually annoyed at all.

If it's the birthday person, it isn't the same IMHO. I would arrange cocktails for 6:30

YANBU. As a four year old, I'd have been very distressed at the idea of being put to bed by a stranger, and I would never have expected a sitter to put my DD to bed when she was four.

In fact, I wouldn't have left my DD with a sitter at all - in the circumstances you describe, only one of us would have gone out and the other one would have stayed at home with DD.

I think your friends could try to be a bit more understanding of the situation.

There are some places that won't seat anyone until the whole party arrives, is that what they are worried about?

Was just going to say try putting him to bed earlier, thats what we do and its never been a problem