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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to leave my distraught DC to be put to bed by a sitter?

228 replies

MWNameChange · 22/03/2014 22:13

So I need to get some perspective on this (have NCd as this could out me):

A friend is having a birthday meal soon and invited myself and DH. When they originally suggested a time at the time of invite, we responded that it would be too early for us but could be out for 8pm. They then sent a generic text to all the invitees saying they had booked a table at a restaurant for 7.45pm - 30 mins drive from us.

We did not say anything else at this point as we did not want to make a fuss, or for them to change plans for us as we assumed they understood we would not be there until 8pm.

We have arranged to share a lift and babysitter with friends who are also going in order to save money - they understand we cannot leave until 7.30pm as our son just will not be put to bed by a sitter and we need to get him in bed ourselves before we can leave the house. He gets distraught at being left so we need to make sure he is in bed first and ok.

The friends who have invited us have now said they are pissed off and think it is rude that we will not be there at 7.45pm as "we have been given enough notice to get sorted".

AIBU to think this is out of order seeing as we are having to fork out for sitter plus drive 30mins to celebrate their birthday and they knew we would not be able to get there any earlier? I'm feeling pretty cross at the moment!

OP posts:
VenusDeWillendorf · 23/03/2014 02:27

This happened to us with a friend who hasn't got kids and she really could not get her head around the fact that kids can't just have their batteries removed and go asleep on cue. She had booked a table in quite a fancy restaurant, but MILES off the beaten track for her 40th birthday.

In the end I went and my DH stayed at home with our wailing babe.
She was very very rude about it though, and tbh our relationship never really recovered. She didn't ever have kids and still thinks of them as cardboard cutouts that can be packed away when she's tired of seeing them.
She was a total Bridedzilla at her wedding too, so maybe she's just rude.

If i had the time back I wouldn't have gone.
She was rude that my DH wasn't there as it upset the seating arrangement, and she was somehow judgy that we couldn't manage our wailing baby properly - that baby was ruling the roost, ha ha ha.

Not saying your friend is as bad as my old friend was oP, but it sounds like they are a bit similar. I wouldn't bother going!! Get her a nice pressie though.

PorridgeBrain · 23/03/2014 06:17

YANBU. Explain to friend why you can't commit to 7.45 so she can understand the reason for it. Say you will try to put him to bed earlier and so maybe there on time but can't promise it.

I can guarantee someone else won't make it at 7.45 on the dot so friend is being unrealistic about a 15 min delay

Can the 4 of you give your food orders in advance incase you don't make it till 8 and so won't hold up proceedings?

Pinkcustardpurplecustard · 23/03/2014 06:31

Well you told your friend you couldn't make it that early as soon as she announced the time. Obviously with clingy child you need to make sure they are ok. I'm struggling to understand why your friend is being so inflexible and uncaring about your child's needs. She is your friend after all

limon · 23/03/2014 06:37

Yanbu. Just don't go! I never go out evenings because I can't stand tired afterwards. I just decline evening invitations because evenings out don't work for me.

"a four year old does not need two people to put him to bed". This one does.

Why would anyonee leave their kids with a babysitter they'd never met before? Bizarre.

Pinkcustardpurplecustard · 23/03/2014 06:42

I don't think it's rude at all - you said straight away that you wouldn't be there at 7.45. The couple don't have to change the start time, they could just have accepted that some of the guests will be slightly late and put in a food order on their behalf. What's the big deal? It's not a business meeting, it's a group of friends eating together.

Namechanged27 · 23/03/2014 07:00

Not read full thread but does your kid know how to tell time? If not just put him to bed earlier!!

Namechanged27 · 23/03/2014 07:03

Saying that being 15 mins late is hardly a big deal. My (childless) friends are always late by that much or more for no good reason! A bit annoying but not worth causing a fuss over

dozily · 23/03/2014 07:18

Yanbu. We use babysitters our dc don't know and always put the dc to bed ourselves. For the sake of 15 minutes it's not worth leaving your ds upset.

Several people have suggested pre-ordering your food - would that solve things?

Hopefully your friend will get stuck in traffic or otherwise unavoidably delayed for 15 minutes, and might then realise how petty she's being.

sarahquilt · 23/03/2014 07:21

I don't think you should worry so much. It's good for kids to get used to babysitters. I'm 33 and my parents were often out and I was put to bed by lots of sitters. If he grizzles a bit it's hardly the end of the world.

dozily · 23/03/2014 07:21

Oh and fwiw our dc have never been upset if they wake up and find an unfamiliar (and unexpected) babysitter - they just hate seeing us head off without them.

Emo76 · 23/03/2014 07:21

If this has already been suggested then I apologise, but how about putting him to be half an hour early yourselves? Not telling him it's early but just that it's "bedtime" and shifting your routine a bit to accommodate?

HappyAgainOneDay · 23/03/2014 07:23

Could the birthday friends (mis)construe your possibly being late and think that you want your child to be invited, too?

I sympathise with the OP's position been there but I expect other guests will not be there on the dot of 7.45pm. Some might be early but others will not. The 7.45pm will be for introductory drinks / canapes and, if it's a sit down meal, that will be around 8.00pm so the OP will just miss the 'reception' part of the evening.

Delphiniumsblue · 23/03/2014 07:31

Isn't the babysitter able to manage? I used to have children who were very upset if they woke up, but I calmed them down and got them back to bed, it is much easier if the parent isn't there.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 23/03/2014 07:37

Someone did mention this earlier, but the clocks go forward next Sunday, so you need to start gradually adjusting his bedtime earlier anyway. If this meal is next weekend, then that would be perfect, as 7.45 on Saturday night would be 845 ln Sunday night, so he should already be in bed!

if its not next weekend this means you have bigger problems as you already need to move his bedtime an hour earlier so the chances of you only being fifteen minutes late would be slim!

JapaneseMargaret · 23/03/2014 07:44

Who makes a reservation for quarter to the hour anyway?

I went out for dinner with a group last Saturday night, and people arrived within about a half-hour time span. Those that got there first drank bubbly and chatted while we waited for the others to arrive.

Isn't this what always happens when a group of people meet up at a restaurant? Confused People never ALL arrive bang at the same time.

I feel like there must be more to this, for your friends to be so pissed off with your 15-minute tardiness. It's just too petty, otherwise.

Katz · 23/03/2014 07:44

From what you've posted I'm not convinced you'll get there much before 8.30pm. If this is what you've said to your friends then yes I can see why they might be annoyed.

Your DSs bedtime is normally 7.45pm but you'll try to get him to bed at 7.30. You also mention that he's twigs if he see you all dressed up, so I assume that means after putting him to bed at 7.30 you'll then gave to quickly get ready another 10 mins. Then there's the hand over to the sitter. Possibly then leave the house by 7.50, 30min drive, arrive around 8.20 by the time your actually seated it'll be 8.30.

sweepdoesntlikecrowds · 23/03/2014 07:47

YANBU, I'd have the same problem with a sitter and if my friends said I was being rude or unreasonable then I wouldn't bother going at all.

aquashiv · 23/03/2014 07:55

Do a dummy run with the sitter. It might all be fine. I would not enjoy a night out if I was worried about my children. Your friends are being rather rude.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2014 07:57

YANBU. Why should your ds have to be upset at bedtime just so you can keep to someone else's birthday schedule?
I wouldn't go.
I would say that i cant be t here on time and as they think its rude to be late i wont be going.
I would be very likely not to see them again tbh. I don't have the time or headspace for adult tantrums.
And the "making a rod for your own back" brigade can fuck off.
You deal with your DC's bedtime situation in your way and make any changes in your own time. Not for some spoiled twatty fuckwit "grown up's" bastard fucking birthday tea.

Ragwort · 23/03/2014 08:01

Why don't you (or your DH) go with your friends in the taxi; the remaining parent settles the child to bed and then drives themselves to the restaurant, arriving a little late but at least one of you will have shown up on time.

Obviously that means the driver can't drink but they they can drive the other couple home, saving on the return taxi fare. Maybe not drinking is the compromise you have to make on this occasion.

So much depends on the type of restaurant you are going to as well, some do have a strict 'timing' policy.

Either that or just don't go; personally I think it is ridiculous that a 4 year old can't be left Hmm but only you know your own child. In a couple of years time he could be going to Beaver Camp on his own.

betman · 23/03/2014 08:04

If I was the host I would worry that you would be later than 15 minutes. I have friends who say they'll be 15 minutes and this means at least 30 minutes late.

It also could be a restaurant that won't sit everyone until the whole party has arrived. I don't think your friends abu.

Sparkeleigh · 23/03/2014 08:06

YABU - it's an invitation, not a summons. If you can't attend at the time requested and that inconveniences your friends, you should have declined.

Have you considered that some restaurants will only let you have the table for 2hrs? If this is the case with the one booked then your friend's birthday meal time is being reduced by a quarter if they decide to wait for you to order.

GertTheFlirt · 23/03/2014 08:10

MN is a fickle beast. Countless times I've read the suggestion of a babysitting service as advice. When someone actually uses one, they are blasted for leaving their child with strangers.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/03/2014 08:13

I had dcs late among my group of friends. There have been many times, in many restaurants/ bars when I have waited patiently, taken into account late arrivals, changed venues or arrangements because of ppl's commitments with their dcs. It would never have crossed my mind to be difficult about it or consider them rude for not being able to adhere to a plan I wanted. What's wrong with turning up later and missing a course?
Unless my mother's there at the table I'm sure the others will be "allowed" to start without the op.

The sleep issue is the OP's to sort out to her own schedule. It's just thoughtless and selfish to expect her to do something she's uncomfortable with to keep to a timetable that she has already said she can't manage.

Neverknowingly · 23/03/2014 08:14

YANBU! Thank goodness for my lovely sane understanding friends. We always book dinner for 8 at the earliest with drinks before hand so people can stroll in casually, we never book dinner at restaurants with sittings so that it does not matter if we need to wait 15-20 minutes to order and we think it is fine (great in fact if people make the effort) for people to rock up half way through and just order main or pudding - at least they made it. They're friends and seeing them is the important bit.

Even if you do not have regular bedtime issues you can never be sure there will not be some crisis at just the wrong time with little ones.

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