To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

[MrsRGervais]

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

When I was 18 many years ago my DM and her husband went on holiday I wasn't allowed to stay at home on my own but couldn't afford to go/wasn't invited either. Her husband asked his mother to stay with me ...after 2 days she went home and left me to it! lovely lady unlike her dickhead son
The following year I was invited..but had to pay for myself and all food/trips/spends. this time he just dictated what I should wear every day
My own DC haven't wanted to holiday with us since they were 17/18..we don't 'do' the type of hols they like!
I can see OPs point of view, if money is tight, DS is an adult and should contribute or not go.

For us the spending money thing was for gifts, extra ice-creams/treats etc (AI holidays with constant food and drink on tap, but DSD wants crisps McD's etc ). We'd still pay for trips and the like, but if she wanted to go 'shopping' she had to pay for herself.

It's the same for DD. She saves her pocket money for a couple of months beforehand and can spend it on whatever she wants that we don't want to buy.

Oh and as soon as I was earning I was expected to pay 'board' as were all my friends. DSD doesn't, but she does have certain things she must do in place of it. If she didn't do these things she would be expected to contribute to the household. Again, DD will be the same.

Spending money for ours funds the nights out, dd's mooching round the shops and anything that takes their fancy really.They do tend to do their own thing using the holiday home as a base rather than spending the whole time with us, so they need their own funds. It's not for them to pay for their meals or go on any trips that they accompany us on.

I'm really surprised by this thread. I expected to fund myself from age 18, even while at Uni and then in first low-paid jobs. I was always welcome on holidays with my parents but wouldn't have ever thought they'd pay for it.

I was an adult (still am I think...) if I couldn't afford it, I couldn't go

ltEve. That's something else I don't get, charging board for your kid to carry on living in their home.

Well ok I get it if you are watching every single penny and still sinking but generally it just seems so grabby.

Thanks winkle

Growing up all they could afford was caravan holidays which we loved & never felt bothered about

Now they are more affluent they like to treat us & their grandchildren as they know we couldn't afford it otherwise.

My username by the way is a song/quote from a book/show called Her Benny. Dd sang it in a performance of the musical.

Did the OP ever say why a 20 year old is going on a family holiday. If this is holiday instigated by OP and her husband then they should pay.

Agree lteve and flipchart. Our home is their home for as long as they want to live here, and unless they are earning ££££'s we wouldn't necessarily want a contribution from them.

And the same with holidays. If we want them to come with us, we pay.

Eldest is 18-this may change when he's 30(!), or if our financial situation takes a total nosedive.

Not grabby flipchart, giving them a sense of responsibility and getting them ready to move out and provide for themselves.

My mum showed me the bills and how they were worked out. Took me food shopping and showed me how to meal plan. Showed me her wages slips and how she managed her money.

We have done the same for DSD, and frankly she needed it. She was a bit of a disaster before. Originally she was going to get her own place and we knew it wouldn't work out. She is in a good place now and much better at budgeting and realising she can't have everything all at once.

Bowlersarm agreed.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity Wed 19-Mar-14 18:06:47
"Is he getting a choice in where you go, where you stay, what you eat, what days out you do? If not, why shouldn't he choose to spend his own money on things he chooses himself?"

This. And also- does he feel perfectly free to choose not to holiday with you at all, or would his dad be disappointed?

Because I really don't think it's fair to put pressure on somebody to join you and then make it so expensive they can't afford it.

I probably won't automatically pay for dc to holiday with us once they are grown up. But I will pay if I want them to come. If they have to pay, then I will accept that they are under absolutely no obligation to go with me rather than spend their money on something else.

I paid once I was over 18 and working. Not saying that is necessarily right for everyone, but that's what our family did. My parents did slip me a bit extra spending money, though.

My parents still pay the lion's share of accommodation costs because they want to go on a 'family' holiday to luxury accommodation whereas if I'm paying, I camp!

I've been earning my own money since I was 15, moved out of home when I was 17 and been financially independent ever since. So hardly mollycoddled. Maybe that's why my parents have been happy to treat me to the odd holiday.

There's no hard and fast rules

I don't think that many 20 year olds would pay to go on holiday with their parents. Surely if they had the money, they would go on holiday with their friends?

He should definitely be bring his own spending money though.

YABU as I suspect he's being invited and to be frank who wants to go on holiday with their parents and worse, resentful step parent, when they are 20, I certainly didn't!

I'm 36 and my Mother is paying for a holiday with us in the summer as she says she can't take 'it' with her when she dies. My MIL is also paying for a short break with her in the Easter holiday. We're paying for another holiday for ourselves elsewhere. It has nothing to do with being an 'adult'. I've had all sorts of jobs when I was in the 6th form and then at uni, I moved straight out to a grotty bedsit after uni and very much funded my own lifestyle.

I'm amazed at the amount of people that think it's acceptable, no, "expected" that parents should pay for a 20 year old dc to go on holiday.
He should not be getting a holiday.
He should be getting a job.
Ridiculous, but as a step parent, you don't have a choice really. Can you suggest he brings spending money? Even then, your dh can do what he likes can't he.

Why are you even considering taking this adult on your holiday, at your expense when he's not just without employment and not making the effort to find any work but is self-entitled to the extent that he'll expect you and his father to provide him with spending money too?

He wouldn't even be invited if I was in your shoes.

Maybe he's only going on the holiday because they're paying for it drnoitall? And maybe/probably parents don't really want to have the kind of low budget holiday their child could afford? At that age, the holiday I paid for myself was a month backpacking around Europe. We were so broke we couldn't afford a room and resorted to nicking leftover pizza from neighbouring tables in bars (reminiscent of a recent thread :o). I very much doubt that would have appealed to my parents.

drnoitall It depends on why he is going .If this is a "family" holiday which OP's husband wants him to go on, then OP and husband pays. Most 20 year olds have limited money to spend on holidays and I'm sure most would prefer to spend it on a holiday of their choice with their friends.

Same to hoobypicky probably becausec his father wants him to be; probably more than the young man wants to go.

Disappointed and surprised to hear how many people in their 30's and 40's are still having holidays funded by their parents .

Why? Parents (of that generation) often have a very large disposable income. If they want to share a holiday with their children and grandchildren which their children couldn't afford otherwise, why aren't they able to fund it if they wish?

What a bizarre moral code you live by.

My husbands family stopped taking him on uk caravan holidays when he was 12

When he was 31 and had a child of his own they invited us on holiday with them. They paid for the villa, contributed to the flights and we shared most meals and shopping

Don't understand why some people are disappointed with parents treating their children

Why are you disappointed, patience.

Why the disappointment that the older generation are more than keen to spend time with their adult children, and happy to treat them to a joint holiday?

Strange thing to be disappointed about.