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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:
RufusTheReindeer · 19/03/2014 21:38

Oh and we could afford cheap holidays

Some years we got two! A week in the uk and a week or two with them. Very lucky I know

cassee · 19/03/2014 21:45

My parents pay when they invite me on holidays with them, and I'm significantly older than the OP's DH's DS. We live far apart from each other so the holidays are the only times we see each other.

mymiraclebubba · 19/03/2014 21:51

Holidays with my parents were the thing if nightmares at that age!!!

If your dh has invited him then Yabvu not to pay for him, esp if you are paying for his brother to go! However he should be providing his own spending money.

Your OP sounds quite resentful towards him and his Dm, why is her paying for hos car etc any of your business????

patienceisvirtuous · 19/03/2014 21:56

Disappointed was the wrong word actually (I'm shattered and not thinking straight). But surprised yeah, and not in a good way.

It's all down to individual circumstances of course but it was the tone of some posts: "yabu, I wouldn't expect my DC to fund himself. I am in my 30s/40s and my parents still pay for me/us to holiday with them".

Came across as a little entitled and there is some implications that parents should be grateful that DCs (of whatever age post-16) accompany them on holiday which I'm not keen on.

With regard to my moral code - well I certainly wouldn't be too proud to accept a treat from my parents if we couldn't afford to pay for the holiday - but as a gratefully received one-off.

SirChenjin · 19/03/2014 21:58

What self respecting 20 year old wants to go on holiday with their parents? How odd. That's the age when you're off travelling with friends and discovering the world.

If I had a 20 year old who was doing FA in terms of working (as opposed to looking really hard and filling his/her time with voluntary work or studying) then no, I would not be paying for them to go on holiday with us.

Dogearedrabbit · 19/03/2014 21:59

Hell yes he should pay!!!!

20 year old grown man! Confused

Would the still have to pay if he was 50!

Ludways · 19/03/2014 22:03

I'd pay for a 20 year old to go with us, if I'm paying for all the others I'd pay for him too. Surprised he wants to go though.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/03/2014 22:04

Fair enough patience

I can't wait til my kids can't be bothered to come with us...it's going to save us a bomb!

I fully expect mine to stop holidaying with us at about 18 and then want to come with us once they have kids and want a babysitter...bet I'm wrong though Grin

My parents never paid for us to go on holiday with them, not as much money!

mrsjay · 19/03/2014 22:04

Sirchen i guess my 20 yr old likes me

Bowlersarm · 19/03/2014 22:05

He's not 50, though, rabbit. Strange fact change there.

At 50, he might be paying for his own 20 year old to go on holiday with him.

bumperella · 19/03/2014 22:07

IMO parents should "treat" their children to learning financial freedom and independence, and to allow them to grow up. Part of that is allowing them to learn how to budget, save, etc.

How can this 20-year old man make choices over where to go on hols, when, what to do when he gets there, etc if he has to ask his parents for the cash to pay?

CookieDoughKid · 19/03/2014 22:12

I think the problem is more your dh. Before you buy into these holidays you should come to an agreement with your dh that's fair for all your children. I would say u are being unreasonable to ask your son to pay if you want to go on holiday with him. And why is it an issue to even ask your son to contribute a little? Sounds like the issue is more your dh.

Iggi101 · 19/03/2014 22:19

As others have said, it's not someone paying for "your" holiday is it, it's going along with someone else's holiday plans, location, accommodation etc. if you all plan it together, you all pay I suppose - but if you are invited along to someone else's holiday nothing wrong with them offering to pay, assuming they can really afford it.

Wantsunshine · 19/03/2014 22:19

YABU why wouldn't you pay for your son to go on holiday. If he does pay then I hope you don't expect him to trog around doing what you want to. He should have total free rein to enjoy himself

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/03/2014 22:40

YABU

My parents paid for me to go on holiday with them until I was in my mid-twenties.

I would never ask my DSs to pay to come on holiday with us. I will be delighted that they want to come along.

Rabbitcar · 19/03/2014 22:49

I have seen a fair few older people who are surprised and upset when their adult DCs don't keep in touch with them as much as they'd like. Invariably they were the ones who charged their children for things from their 18th birthday onwards. Of course I'm not saying this happens every time, but surely families have to help each other? Often parents can be better off than their young adult DCs. If they are not, then surely the richer DCs would offer to pay anyway? It should be about mutual respect and love. Of course there will be exceptions to the rule. But I would not dream of charging my DCs, but I also know they would be very unlikely to take advantage of me (hopefully).

winklewoman · 19/03/2014 23:09

Picturesinthefirelight, again, exactly like us. When our boys were little it was camping in Wales then more exotically but still frugally, in France. They still remember those holidays fondly, but it is good now to be able to take them and their own children to places they could not afford, hardworking though they are.

Picturesinthefirelight · 19/03/2014 23:31

My parents have also taken plenty if holidays without us too (dh is a teacher so can't get time off in term time for example).

I have never ever asked or expected. My brother also goes on holidays abroad with & without them. My dad has a big sense of family.

They still have a caravan though & we still use it.

maddy68 · 19/03/2014 23:41

I pay for my 20 year old because I want him to come!
If I didn't he probably would depend his money on a lads holiday instead :). It's nice to have the whole family together

winklewoman · 20/03/2014 08:16

pictures, plenty without the rest of them for us too; Jamaica next week, adults only resort.

Thattimeofyearagain · 20/03/2014 08:25

I have a 20 yr old ds at uni, he joined us on holiday last year, got himself there on the train ( couldn't leave on the same day as us) & brought his own spends. We paid food & accommodation.

Technical · 20/03/2014 08:41

You obviously have issues with your DSS and the way your Dh "spoils" his son but in itself, a parent paying for an adult child's holiday is not unreasonable.

I would expect him to provide spending money but that would be for extras, not the inherent cost of the holiday like meals and excursions.

As others have said, it's the price a parent pays to have their children come on holiday with them. Even if he can afford to pay his way, I doubt that's how he would choose to spend his money. It would be entirely unreasonable if he were an random adult friend, but he's not, he's DH's son and I guarantee given a choice between your DS 18yo coming on holiday and you paying, or him staying at home, you will pay. If you aren't able, you'll adjust the holiday plans so that you can.

If the son is generally a layabout and a sponger, then DH needs to deal with that, but paying for the holiday is not, in itself, unreasonable

firesidechat · 20/03/2014 08:44

I must admit that, like patience, I'm a bit surprised that adult children in their 30's and 40's don't contribute to the flights and accommodation costs of going on holiday with their parents.

I suppose my parents wouldn't have been able to afford this and I would hope that my own children would want to pay their own way to some extent.

By the way I'm not a mean parent. We are very generous and treat our grown up children far more than they would treat us. Slightly hoping that it may swop around when we are living in gentle poverty in our old age.

firesidechat · 20/03/2014 08:45

gentile

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 20/03/2014 08:49

No word back from OP. I guess she doesn't agree with most posters who have pointed out SIBU.