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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:
SandyChick · 19/03/2014 17:42

You could maybe say you'll give x amount of spending money then anything he wants above that amount he would need to take himself. That way you shouldn't end up spending more than you plan and he's not always asking for money.

Maybe cover his meals and a little for extra things.

If you make it the same for all of the kids then it's fair. As long as your Dh agrees too.

hippo123 · 19/03/2014 17:43

I wouldn't expect him to pay for his own holiday, but I would expect him to save up some money for his personal spends. So not food or drink, or admission to somewhere, but anything extra he wanted, clothes, parachute jump, etc. in my experience most boys of this age are unable to save a penny, so for a big holiday I will get them to put all / most birthday / Christmas money towards their personal spends and keep this money to one side for them.

Bonsoir · 19/03/2014 17:43

You cannot choose the holiday yourselves and then expect your DS to pay.

gordyslovesheep · 19/03/2014 17:43

I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it

well firstly who is paying for it you or you and his father? if it;s both of you then YABU his father can decide what to spend on his child as you can on yours

secondly if you are stuggling to afford it find something cheaper

on a personal level I never had a lot of cash in my 20's (due to paying rent, studying and working in a series of low paid pt jobs) and my mum used to invite me away with her - she would pay and I would contribute with food or meals out or bottles of wine etc

flipchart · 19/03/2014 17:43

my 20year old is why wouldnt a 20 yr old have enough money to go on holiday ?

Well for a start my lad is on a £125 a week as an apprentice and will be on that money until he is 21. His car insurance is £2,500plus due to our postcode.
He is buying tools on a weekly and monthly basis so he has his own tool kit for when his apprentiship ends and is expected to have his own gear.

Then I've encouraged long term savings and then he has birthdays Christmas and other events to pay for and then some sort of social life.

There isn't much money left!

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 19/03/2014 17:46

YABU. Why shouldn't your DH pay for his son to come on a family holiday? If my parents had said to me at 20 "You can come with us if you contribute, but if not, you'll have to stay behind while everyone else goes" I'd have felt extremely left out and pushed out of things.

Yes, he's an adult, but he's your DH's son and your stepson. If you want a family holiday, you need to expect to pay for all your children, and that includes paying for food and drink while you're there. They should take spending money for things like souvenirs or extra trips or activities they might want to do, but otherwise, as the parents, you should be paying.

If you can't afford it, go somewhere cheaper.

Picturesinthefirelight · 19/03/2014 17:47

I'm 40 & don't pay towards family holidays abroad when my parents invite us.

But we do take our own spending money though we're going all inclusive so don't need much.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/03/2014 17:47

It does sound OP as though perhaps what you want is a luxury holiday as a couple, then a week of camping with the family!

DiddlePlays · 19/03/2014 17:47

Sorry but YABU
If his dad has invited him and his db on a hols, why would he have to pay?
At that age I was still at home, hadn't worked yet (with my parents blessings) and wouldn't actually even been mentioned.
Actually if my parents were proposing for me to go with them on hols, they would still I did that they would pay because they would have invited me iyswim

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/03/2014 17:48

The op has already said she would expect a contribution from her own child if the child was an adult.

It's in the first post.

Fwiw I'm an adult,I would feel shame at freeloading off my parents and wouldn't have dreamt of doing so at 20.

It's different if he's not keen on going and your insisting he goes or something like that but most people who were not in education would at least offer something and make sure they had their own spending money

DiddlePlays · 19/03/2014 17:48

Sorry but YABU
If his dad has invited him and his db on a hols, why would he have to pay?
At that age I was still at home, hadn't worked yet (with my parents blessings) and wouldn't actually even been mentioned.
Actually if my parents were proposing for me to go with them on hols, they would still I did that they would pay because they would have invited me iyswim

greenfolder · 19/03/2014 17:49

I have dds aged 19 17 and 6. We are going to florida this year but have made it clear to the 2 eldest that this is the last family holiday. There are lots that we want to do that we couldn't manage for 5. And I am fed up with thinking about 5

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/03/2014 17:50

Yabu

DiddlePlays · 19/03/2014 17:50

Sorry double post.

The thing is it's not about freeloading in the sense if taking advantage. But if I was telling my parents I want to pay (some) of the cost, they would be upset as this is a gift from them to me. Would you tell people you want to pay for the gift they are offering you?

mrsjay · 19/03/2014 17:50

I'm impressed with your dd's saving willpower Mrs Jay!

she is very good at it but I dont take any money from her so it is her own really I think she is saving to leave home

mrsjay · 19/03/2014 17:51

we took the dds to florida when dd was 18 was sort of the last big family holiday Iyswim

flipchart · 19/03/2014 17:52

I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.
That's easy to say now to support your argument and to be honest I always thought the same.
However what if your son ends up unemployed through no fault of his own and can't afford it. Would you honestly leave him at home and not pay for him to join you!

AngelaDaviesHair · 19/03/2014 17:52

Pay for his holiday, ask him to sort out his own spending money.

TeaOneSugar · 19/03/2014 17:52

I'd expect him to take a bit of spending money, that's all.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/03/2014 17:53

YABU, its his child and a family holiday with all the children going.

If he was asking for a house deposit, wedding paid for etc you would have a point re him paying himself and being an adut.

justtoomessy · 19/03/2014 17:55

If my DS wants to come on holiday with me when he's 20 I'll be really pleased. No way would I be asking him to pay anything towards but would expect him to have spending money.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 19/03/2014 17:57

I suppose it comes down to his parents doesnt really matter what we or the OP want. His father wants to treat his son to a holiday. End of.

YABU to expect to be able to tell your DH how to parent his own son.

livlassie · 19/03/2014 17:58

If older children are students or not in work then i'd certainly pay for them. My own son has been working for four years and earns more than i did before i recently retired -he still expects everything to be paid for him. I am glad that my boys still want to come with us (at 26 and 19 )but it would be nice if the eldest made a gesture, like paying for a couple of meals or an excursion. Despite this, he likes the finer things in life for himself -expensive food and wine and all life's other little luxuries. When with us, his hands refuse to enter his wallet and avoids paying for anything with such a degree of style that is quite extraordinary!

MoominsYonisAreScary · 19/03/2014 17:58

I wouldnt ask, although id expect him to pay for his spending money but he works.

If we didnt pay for him he probably wouldnt go as he likes to save and go away with friends now and couldnt afford to do both.

winklewoman · 19/03/2014 17:59

Hi Picturesinthefirelight, it is reassuring to know that other parents do the same as us and take their grown up children away, and pay. We do expect them to take their own spending money but like your parents, we take them to all inclusive places in the summer, so it is really just for tips and outings.
I love your NN by the way.

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