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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

381 replies

MrsRGervais · 19/03/2014 16:49

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/03/2014 18:01

I am hoping my adult DS will join us on holiday this year but if we pick somewhere pricey, as a student he won't be able to afford to pay his way so I'd just ask him to provide his own spending money.

In this instance selecting an expensive trip pretty well ensures your unemployed DSS1 won't be able to contribute. If everyone else is going it will spell out clearly how you feel he should by now try and stand on his own two feet. Only for his DF to turn round and pay anyway.

Btw if he doesn't make much effort to see you and the others all year round it begs the question why would the prospect of a holiday with his dad + the rest of you appeal to him? Unless in the spirit of LotR he is prepared to be a hero and sacrifice a fortnight at home to jet off somewhere amazing with his DF and step-mum .

Foodylicious · 19/03/2014 18:01

Either you and your DH can afford this holiday as a couple or you can't, and this is something only your and your DH can decide based on your own incomes and outgoings.

Does sound a bit unreasonable and like you have more issues with him/your DHs parenting of him, and this is an easy point to get cross about/express how other factors are making your feel.

DietCokeMultipackCan · 19/03/2014 18:01

Nope, if it's a family holiday then I wouldn't ask.

yourlittlesecret · 19/03/2014 18:04

I sincerely hope my DS will still want to come on a family holiday when he is 20.
I would pay him to come.
But then I am his mum and I love his company.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 19/03/2014 18:06

Is he getting a choice in where you go, where you stay, what you eat, what days out you do? If not, why shouldn't he choose to spend his own money on things he chooses himself?

Also, he would be the only member of the family not going if he can't afford it. His brother would go but not him. Harsh.

brokenhearted55a · 19/03/2014 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtEveDallas · 19/03/2014 18:10

The last family holidays my parents paid for were when we were 16. From then on if we wanted to go with them, then we had to pay for ourselves. My sister went with them till she was 21, I didn't go when I was 17 but did go at 18, then not again.

We told DSD we would pay for her until she was 18, but not after. She has a part time job and is saving towards her first holiday with her mates now. Part of her savings came from us on her 18th birthday. We have always contributed to her holidays with her mum, but she's always been expected to find her own spending money.

We will do the same for DD when the time comes, she'll have the option but it will be up to her to fund it.

brokenhearted55a · 19/03/2014 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterrat · 19/03/2014 18:12

My parents still pay for me if they invite me somewhere and I'm in my 30s! At 20 there is no way I would have been excpected to pay but I think I would have had spending money if my own

I think it's perfectly normal I treat a young adult to a holiday

insanityscatching · 19/03/2014 18:12

We go on holiday with our adult dc, we pay for the holiday they bring their own spending money. They also pay for one of the meals out each (through choice not because it is expected) and we are more than happy at that.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/03/2014 18:13

It depends on the holiday in my opinion

If it's renting a villa or rooms on a great beach holiday then I would probably pay although I would expect him to bring some spending money.

My eldest is only 15 though so I may have changed my mind when we get there

MaidOfStars · 19/03/2014 18:17

Advocates of 'bring his own spending money' - for what? Obviously any gifts etc, but not for dinner/trips??

Bowlersarm · 19/03/2014 18:22

Yes, MaidofStars, as an advocater of possibly bringing some spending money, I think it would be nice, although not essential, if he paid for a trip or two. the odd round of ice cream, beers. Not dinner, thats too expensive.

It also depends on the 20 year old, who may be embarrassed offering to buy ice creams, drinks for everyone etc.

I would pay for my adult kids though, and wouldn't expect anything.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/03/2014 18:25

Own spending money - Gifts, if he decided to go for a wander, he might want to go clubbing, he might meet a girl and want to go for drinks (or buy condoms)

LornMowa · 19/03/2014 18:29

At 21 I was still living at home and was working in a fairly low paid job. I paid a third of my salary to cover board.

My parents asked if I wanted to go an a holiday with them in Europe. I remember agreeing and then later my Dad who had a very well paid job asked me to pay the full cost. I remember being initially rather surprised but I had obviously misunderstood what my Dad had meant when we were discussing the proposed holiday. I was used to having holiday costs covered by the parents but then I realised that this was part of growing up. Looking back, I am grateful that they didn't mollycoddle me.

Did your DH discuss with you how the holiday would be paid for before booking the trip?

I would be upset if I was expected to pay for an adult child, especially one who does not seem to be taking steps to become independent.

DiddlePlays · 19/03/2014 18:32

brohenheart
YY and :(

DiddlePlays · 19/03/2014 18:36

Also agree that this is something to discuss between the dad and his son.
The OP has an input insofar that it is coming out of the family budget and they might want to agree if what budget is ok. Whether he is paying it not isn't her issue.

I think the issue here is the fact that
1- the OP is similar to some (but not all) of the payers who thinks that being over 18yo means you need to be financially independent.
2- the OP resents spending money for her dss. There is clearly some history there (the situation rings a bell)

Writerwannabe83 · 19/03/2014 18:41

I can't believe a 20 year old actually wants to go on holiday with their parents

Cerisier · 19/03/2014 18:45

We wouldn't dream of asking our 18YO to contribute to a family holiday. There is no way she could afford it. If we want her company, we pay.

I am surprised at how many people on here expect late teens/early 20s DC to pay towards a family holiday.

Georgina1975 · 19/03/2014 18:46

I think age is irrelevant - it is more about life stage for me.

I would not expect any financial contribution from my step kids (three aged 17 to 23 btw) if they were still in FT education. I might expect them to bring along some spending money if they were working but still relatively young (i.e. fresh out of school/college/uni). But I would expect to pay for meals etc...if it was not included in the holiday price.

If they were working and had been for a couple years - and, say, lived in their own place - I would probably expect them to make a substantial contribution.

Basically we do what we could afford on the basis of me & DH paying for all members of the immediate family (3 step kids + 1 joint kid)

patienceisvirtuous · 19/03/2014 18:50

Yanbu. I paid for my own holidays from 18. Even as a fulltime student. And that has included many a holiday with my folks. I wouldn't have freeloaded off them.

Now I am in my thirties Iike treating them.

patienceisvirtuous · 19/03/2014 18:50

*I like..

Cerisier · 19/03/2014 18:53

When we were in our 20s we went camping. Now we are in our 50s we like a bit of luxury. If we invite the DCs it will be to a holiday out of their price range so we should pay if we want them around. There is no way I am going camping so that the DCs can pay their way. They can go hostelling and camping with their friends.

Tabby1963 · 19/03/2014 18:54

Our children, now 19 and 20 will be coming with us on holiday this summer. In fact I am planning the holiday right now and we are not asking them to contribute a penny to the cost. We are delighted that they are able to come with us this year (they live and work away from home and have done for a couple of years) and are looking forward to spending a week with them and relaxing together in the sun. They will bring their own spending money and will be treating us to a meal out and a few drinks.

OP, it comes across from your initial post that you have issues with your husband's children; you don't like them and don't want to spend time with them, and this has caused you to lose sight of your role as a parent.

By all means expect the adult children to bring their own spending money but charge them to come with you on holiday? YABU in this case.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2014 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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