To expect a 20 year old to pay towards the holiday?

[MrsRGervais]

Dh and I are looking at a holiday abroad next year. It will cost a fortune as the holiday is to incorporate 4 adults and 2 children. The adults are his ds's aged 18 and 20. Now the 18 year old has special needs so can't really earn money so fair enough but Aibu to expect the 20 year old to put something towards the cost?? I really begrudge paying plane and accommodation costs for him when he's an adult and we're struggling to afford it. He's unlikely to take any spending money either as every time we've taken them somewhere he's not brought a penny with him (yet is bragging on Facebook about spending over £100 on lord of the rings memorabilia!)
DH will do doubt hit the roof at the suggestion of not paying 100% of the cost of his eldest but Aibu to suggest that he contributes? I'd certainly ask for a contribution from my own son once he was 18.

YANBU. I can't imagine even expecting my parents to pay for anything for me after the age of 18 (when finished sixth form.) I'm only 22 now so it's not as if I'm talking an easier financial era either.

No, I certainly would ask a 20 year old to contribute.

One it's a family holiday, they won't have chosen anything about it.

Secondly, I'll probably just be pathetically grateful they actually want to come with us

wouldn't !!

He he, in my mid to late 30s, my parents still pay for me (and my husband) to go on holiday with them.

If they invite me and they want me to be there....

I think yabu. You don't need to parent him that's his parents job. Take this opportunity to get to know him and try and forget about life lessons and what he should and shouldn't be doing.

I agree with the OP. I think he should at least bring his own spending money. If he's not in education training or employment and is simply freeloading off his mother I wouldn't be keen to pay for him to go on holiday. If he's training, doing a low paid job or at university I think that would make a difference regarding paying for the actual holiday but I'd still expect him to provide his own spending money for treats.

(Obviously, all spending whilst there - dinners, drinks etc - is shared).

Does he want to go?

At 20 I'd rather have not paid and missed the holiday, than pay to suffer through two weeks with my parents.

Had better things to spend my money on, and a guy to invite over when my family were away.

Further to my post, one of the reasons I am more than happy to pay for DS to join us and me to pay for the trips is that it helps keep the family together and have a load of fun and downtime as a group rather than snatching bits of time here and there.

Not on a family holiday where its a given that the whole family are going. You're just going to have to bear it. I would be asking him how much he'll be saving for spends but the cost of the holiday is yours, as parents, to bear.

I'd love it if my eldest (23) wanted to come on the family holiday with us but he started snorting at that idea around the age of 16 and he hasn't stopped yet

I'd be annoyed that he isn't looking for work and trying to pay his own way in life, but I'd expect to pay for my adult sons to come on holiday with me if I wanted to spend time with them.

I'd think they would be more likely to choose to spend their own money on going away with friends, rather than me, and I'd probably miss the time with them more than they'd miss the time with me.

I think it's fine to ask him to provide his own spending money, but if he can afford it and it's the difference between him coming and him staying at home, then I think it would be really mean to your DH to not let him come if he can't pay.

I paid for my DSD to accompany us on holiday while she was still at university, and we DH always gave her money while we were there (and I would top that up a bit as well.) I wouldn't pay for her now - four years after graduation. I'm not sure I'd have been thrilled about paying for her at age 20 if she was in employment, or choosing not to be employed (though job market still crappy, so how far that's your DSS's choice is not clear.) I would apply exactly the same thinking process to my own children at a comparable age and stage. The bashing of stepparents on Mumsnet really pisses me off. I know of many parents who would not pay for their own adult children with exactly the same reasoning that the OP is using.

I think it depends if you've invited him or he's wanting to specifically come.

I'm older than him and my parents still pay for me to go on holiday with them and don't expect me to fork out my own spending money (and I don't have a job at the moment but when I did they still didn't expect me to pay as it was a family holiday)

I have to pay adult price for my ds's now that they are over 12. It's expensive but that's what many holiday companies charge for teens.

I think at 20 I would be glad that they still wanted to holiday with us (as posted above) and wouldn't expect them to pay. It'll be lovely for your dh to have his ds's there. It may well be the last holiday with all his dc together as a family.

I can't imagine either of my ds's being in a position to earn anything more than spending money at 20 anyway. Most 20 years olds aren't earning enough to pay for a holiday surely?

we are going on holiday soon dd and her bf are coming along they both have paid themselves we were going to pay for dd but she insisted she is 20 yanbu to think a 20 yr old can pay their way I think it is difficult if it is your stepchildren though get him to bring his own spending money why isnt he working

NOT unreasonable at all. He's an adult and should be paying his way. Not necessarily in full (if he's wanted there and can't afford it) but definitely own spending money etc.

my 20year old is why wouldnt a 20 yr old have enough money to go on holiday ?

What does your 20 year do? I was in my late 20's before I was able to afford a holiday abroad!

If it's a holiday he wants to attend now at 20 the minimum he pays is spending money. It depends on location etc.

So long as he can stay home alone what's the issue..... I mean, he can can't he or is that worse????

he probably has the money to go somewhere he chooses, with his friends. a family holiday is something i would pay for and be grateful if any of them agreed to come

she works in a shop part time and is at UNI she does live at home though so maybe that is why she is stingy good at saving she did other work in a theatre as well so she probably used that money as well as savings

How fucking predictable.

I am a step parent, and I think OP IBU.

I'm impressed with your dd's saving willpower Mrs Jay!

Yanbu because it sounds like he needs to see how people afford treats like a holiday in real life. Not the life where he sponges off his parents.
Why should parents be "gratefu"l there dc want to go in holiday with them. Pathetic really to think its a drudge for dc to actually want to be their parents for a holiday.

I think if it's a family holiday, that you've planned and invited them on, you pay.

If you all planned it together and he got equal say, with your relative budgets in mind, like a group of adults doing something as equals, then you might expect him to pay.

If I'd been asked to pay my way to on hols with DF and SM I wouldn't have gone, which would have been to the detriment of my relationships with them and my younger siblings.

I found it reasonable to be paid for as a student, then offered to pay when earning. Felt lucky they continued to pay, though, when working, I was very aware of the amount of my four weeks a year that was regularly committed to spending time with them and would sometimes have liked to do other things with it. So, if spending my own money, would often have gone elsewhere, with other people.