To be sad about this?

[Moonfacesmother]

I've read a lot of times that intelligence is largely inherent.

Dh and I are average / slightly above average intelligence I would say. We were both in the top groups at school, went to university, have professions etc.

So I was sad on parent's evening to hear that ds (4 and in reception) is struggling. He's at the bottom of his class and it is not a high achieving class. I don't think he has a specific SEN, he just isn't very academic. I know it isn't the end of the world and there are other sorts of intelligence but life is certainly easier if everything isn't a struggle. And it's disheartening for a child to always find everything at school difficult.

I guess I expected ds to at least be about average. He's been read to loads, had lots if input, been to lots of places etc. so I sort of expected with either nature or nurture that he'd wouldn't 'struggle'

I'm horrid aren't I?

Dammit, I took so long with writing that, that I cross-posted with rollmeover!

Moonface then listen to us. You've just been catapulted into the world of lenses, so it may feel like a sidepoint to someone's life. But trust me, they're not fashion accessories. Needing glasses really impacts on the rest of your life. I'm at -4 and -3.25. I can't go round a shopping centre without them.

Ok OP I am going to say the same than a lot if other peoe but
1- I have being the child who needed glasses and I did fall behind for a time before I got some glasses. I was clever (I hope I still am ) but the issue with my sight did cause me lots of problems. So all these issues about nit writing well can't read what he has written and generally being behind can just stem from that. How in earth can you progress when someone gives you a sheet and you can hardly make out what is on it? He will have spent all his energy just doing that!
2- dc2 struggled when he was that age too. He started Y1 a year behind (ie start of reception). But as he grew older, he did made up for it. Enough to be back at the average level by the end if Y2 and ahead by Y4. Some children just aren't mature enough for reading etc until they are 6yo which is why formal education doesn't start until 6~7yo in done countries.
3- if you feel your dc struggles, you do need to ask for some help! Go and see the teacher. Ask her what you can do at home with him. 10mins a day made a huge difference to dc2. Incorporate 'maths games' in everyday life (Can you bring me 3 knifes and 4 spoons please?'). Esp if you feel that the teacher has written him off, don't let it go. Support him, go and ask the teacher. Be 'one if those mums' that will ask and ask again so that their child isn't forgotten.
4- most importantly don't write him off yourself already! He will need you to be his champion, whatever the outcome in 10~15 years time!

Moon, if the school is so horribly negative and pressured, would it be possible for your ds to change schools. The one you've described sounds awful.

The journey has been hard but not because I made it so Really?

The journey is hard because there are no resources. Half the 'professionals' you end up talking to have no bloody idea. And you never know when you're going to be thrown the next curve ball.

Btw to answer your original question
YANBU to feel sad for your son
YABU to think you are horrid.

My DB had severe ADHD and wasn't to read properly until he was 11/12. Now he is a lawyer! So don't write off your DS yet.

Moonface take it from me that prescription is a strong prescription, only 0.5 less strong than mine. I am as blind as a bat without the specs, can't recognise my own children on the other side of the road even. Your little one has had a very real difficulty to contend with, it will take time for him to adjust to his glasses and his new vision of the world.

insanity - are you sure you're reading this right? You sound like you have SHORT sightedness, if you cant' see any distance (as do I - my scrip is -8 or thereabouts in both eyes). The OP's Ds has LONG sight - so will be able to see distance, but not close up. Completely different issue.

OP YANBU to feel stressed and worried. No-one likes to be told their child is 'struggling' and it does sound as if your school are being unnecessarily pessimistic and negative. My DH and I would probably both be considered well 'above average' as far as intelligence goes (straight As at A level, degrees from top 10 universities, Oxbridge in DH's case), yet our eldest boy is very much average-to-struggling in Y5. Doesn't always follow that very able parents will produce very able children.

With regard to your little boy though - as it has been said so many times - HE IS FOUR. With specific issues with vision. Even without vision problems, it is very very common for boys in particular to struggle more with fine motor skills (buttons, zips, writing etc). My DS was referred for occupational therapy for motor skills in reception and the group was entirely made up of boys!

It is incredibly early days and children progress at different rates. There is so much you can do to help him. My DS found reception incredibly, incredibly hard. Pretty much bottom of the bottom groups for everything, social difficulties (he has ASD), problems with fine motor skills and just generally overwhelmed by it all. By the end of Y2 though (with a lot of support from both us and school) he achieved 2As in the SATs i.e. just above average. There is so much time ahead for your son to progress with things he is currently finding difficult. Ask school what they and you can do to help him.

Lastly - please ignore the Facebook stuff. Tis all bollocks anyway, the vast majority of people are probably lying.

OP your son is fantastic.

We have an education system which turns four year olds who believe they can achieve anything, into 16 year olds, 40% of whom believe they are complete failures because they didn't get the magic 5 A-Cs at GCSEs.

The insidiousness of labelling, streaming, measuring and judging starts almost on the first day of primary school. It's pretty inhumane.

Focus on keeping him happy, healthy, interested in play and exploring. Who gives a shiny shit whether a 4 yo can write letters next to each other? It bears no relation to what they will achieve at 8 or 18 or 30.

I say this as a completely non-lentil weaving parent of an "academic" 6 yo. I work in the creative sector where about 30% of my talented, creative, successful colleagues are dyslexic. Primary school measures like the ones you've described are a big bag of poo IMO.

No I'm longsighted with astigmatism and I can't see close up or far away unless it's in the far far distance anyway. Certainly I couldn't read a whiteboard from the back of a class because the TV is a fuzz from the sofa at the other side of the room although I can see a nice view from a window. My prescription is +8.0 and +8.5 and my reading glasses are +9.0

I am going to apologise for my slightly snipey post earlier - sorry. Because you do sound sad. And I hope there are enough people telling you on here that wait, it could all change and the glasses will all help.

But for now, please, please tell us 3 marvellous things about your wonderful son? What is his smile like? Does he give amazing cuddles? His giggle if he is tickled. The learning, the adjusting to glasses will open up a new world for him. In the meantime he is your wonderful son. Tell us about him. Remind yourself of his qualities.

And then I think, plan something silly and wonderful for the weekend. A pool with big slides, a play centre (OK ), a trip to a farm. Find somewhere you can all go one the dodgems. Get the laughter and fun in - nothing educational. This is an adjustment for you (the sight thing) and an even bigger one for your son. He will want to fight his glasses (I did and started wearing them at a very similar age). So go and giggle this weekend to take his mind off them..

He has a lovely sense of humour and is well aware when you are teasing him and he teases back.

He's kind. He is never one of those children that squashes small creatures for fun. He's more likely to rescue them and put them in a place of safety.

I can't pull the wool over his eyes. I bought him some books about wearing glasses. He said 'yay new books!' Then he looked dubious and said 'you've got me these to make me feel better about having glasses haven't you? Well I'll tell you now it won't work.'

Sorry, insanity, that sounds really hard, actually. I have enough problem being -8ish in both eyes but at least I can read without glasses in bed (although have to have the book about 4" from my nose!). You'd make a great sniper though!

Moon he sounds funny and perceptive, all good things!

I also agree with Slapperati that if you feel they are writing him off, go in, go higher and don't just leave him there thinking he's not so great. Primary schools sometimes need a bit of a shove to recognise a child needs something specific but once they get going, they do have lots of resources for boosting self-esteem, emotional development and academic skills- make sure your son gets his fair share of these and do keep letting him know you think and know he's ace too.

It's rubbish sight wise but I've always had poor eyesight the lenses just get stronger every time I go. I can't imagine how OP's dc has managed so far and I bet he'll feel so strange when he gets his specs. I know when I get new ones even if the prescription is slightly stronger it takes a day or two to adjust can't imagine how he'll feel going from nothing to what would be lenses about 1cm thick if they weren't thinned.

Yes we've paid for the lenses to be thinned.

They said it might be worse initially because he's been over focusing. The glasses might make everything more blurry! This isn't good, he won't wear them if it makes things worse but he has to wear them so that his eyes relax back to normal!

Poor boy, it's going to be hard going for him to start with!

I got my first glasses at 7, and I think I was already -4 or -5 by then and really needed them - but when the world first comes into focus, you do feel quite wobbly and a bit sick at times while your brain adjusts to the new level of input.

A friend of mine discovered at the age of 17 that she had long sight in one eye only. She got glasses and a contact lens - and suddenly she could see in 3D. Up until that point, she'd been shutting out information from one eye or the other, depending on whether she'd been looking far or near - and so was always seeing in 2D. 3D was a complete shock to her, and it took her a while to adjust to it - she kept missing the table when she put things down, for example. And she suddenly said to me "Haven't you got a lot of freckles!" which took me slightly aback but she'd never seen them before!

Perhaps if you can get them onto him as soon as he wakes up, he'll be able to see that they help, because his eyes won't have had a chance to go into over-focus overdrive after sleeping? And then it might make it easier for him to persevere with them.

I have mine thinned too or else hey would be really heavy. Dd was 4 when she started wearing specs and would take them off unless she was reading but now she keeps them on constantly because she knows she can't see without them. We gave lots of rewards as did school so get them on board too.

Don't worry just yet, he's still very young. My my ds was in reception I was really concerned about his academic ability, I actually asked his teacher if she thought he had learning disability I'm sure she thought I was mental. Anyway, I needn't have worried as he's really quite bright and doing fantastically. They are really young in reception and sometimes it doesn't click until a lot later.

I'm hoping to get them on Friday and put them on him Saturday morning as soon as he wakes up.
Then he has the weekend to get used to them at least. Hopefully by Monday his eyes will have adapted a little.

I'm going to bribe him to wear them. I think I will have to initially. I'm hoping once it makes it better he will want to wear them. A friend has a ds with similar vision and she said he hates taking his glasses off now and even wears them in the bath.

My DD is +6 in one eye and +1.75 in other

Dd wears hers in the bath too she only takes them off so that I can tie up her hair, they are the first thing she does in a morning and the last thing at nght. Once he's adjusted your dc will realise what a huge improvement they make and want to keep them on too.

It might be better than you think OP. I got my first glasses at 6. Very shortsighted indeed (am -7.5 now) and I just remember being in awe of the fact that trees had actual individual leaves on them and at the prettiness of the pattern in the wallpaper in my bedroom and grandma's sitting room. I had honestly never seen it before. I was also quite behind with reading at that point, ie, not reading. Within about six weeks of getting glasses I went from a standing start and whizzed through all the Janet and Johns and finished my first proper school reader. It was called "Sunny Days".

Look on the bright side and just encourage him - it might go better than you think. Poor wee lad.

My children seemed pretty happy with their first glasses at just turned four. It probably helps that almost every single member of their family wears glasses, but I think they also like being able to see.