To be sad about this?

[Moonfacesmother]

I've read a lot of times that intelligence is largely inherent.

Dh and I are average / slightly above average intelligence I would say. We were both in the top groups at school, went to university, have professions etc.

So I was sad on parent's evening to hear that ds (4 and in reception) is struggling. He's at the bottom of his class and it is not a high achieving class. I don't think he has a specific SEN, he just isn't very academic. I know it isn't the end of the world and there are other sorts of intelligence but life is certainly easier if everything isn't a struggle. And it's disheartening for a child to always find everything at school difficult.

I guess I expected ds to at least be about average. He's been read to loads, had lots if input, been to lots of places etc. so I sort of expected with either nature or nurture that he'd wouldn't 'struggle'

I'm horrid aren't I?

The prescription is very close to my current prescription, without my specs I can see very little eg no details on faces across a room and feel really disoriented which might explain why he writes letters randomly. I'm sure that once he gets used to his specs he will find school much easier.

Come off facebook!,can't stand that bloody place.Of course everyone is saying that about their dc.
Enjoy your little boy, from the mum of a 20 year old ds x

My DS struggled at school in reception, and Year 1 - it was only then that we realised he needed glasses (+6.5 in each eye and astigmatism). He was also diagnosed as dyslexic. All through primary and up to year 9 he wa a moderate achiever, but suddenly he really matured and started to 'get' school and realised he could do well. He went from being in the fourth set (out of 6) in Maths to an A grade at GCSE. Now, age 17 he has 4 A* and 4 A's plus 2 Bs at GCSE and is doing well at AS level. And he has always liked wearing his glasses! (sees them as a fashion accessory - he is quite arty, so very attuned to his image). His confidence really grew in Yr 10 and 11.

Your son will be fine - he is still very young, once he has his glasses everything will be much easier for him and he just needs time to mature.

As others have said he is four. Mine weren't even in any form of schooling at that age, they were too busy eating dirt yet they both have very high IQs and find school to be a breeze now, took them a while to get it sorted though, some kids are just slower to get going, don't put any pressure on him or yourselves over it.
Academic excellence isn't the be all and end all, DH has very limited reading or writing abilities yet has managed to earn enough that we have a tidy nest egg, plenty of people do alright for themselves with limited schooling.

He could end up being good at other things. Sport, art, music, drama et . Being academic isn't the be all and all.

Poor baby. I can see why you're depressed if the teacher was so very negative, but please be aware that that is their problem, not yours or your son's. I've got a son in reception and I'd be so upset to get a similar report. We all want to hear our children are doing well and enjoying themselves.

Perhaps the teacher has become frustrated that he seemed to be willfully incapable of e.g. writing in a straight line, but this will be due to his long-sightedness. You need to get some advice from the optician/GP/online asap and make an appointment to speak to school again (maybe ask for the SENCO to be available too) and go through what his diagnosis will mean/has meant for his learning. He needs to have an IEP in place to help him get up to speed.

Its hard to evaluate what knock-on effects a disability of this kind has on children, but e.g. 1 of my friend's twins had severe hearing loss (& for long periods as a tiny her hearing aids didn't work due to glue ear) and that affected not only her hearing, but her speech, her relationships (she didn't make eye contact/point/try and communicate because she wasn't getting the auditory affirmations), her reading (couldn't hear phonemes) etc etc. But since her hearing has stabilised then she's made huge strides in all areas and I'm sure your son will too.

I don't know if its an option, but if the school/teacher aren't hugely concerned and nurturing now you've discovered why your son has been struggling then could you change schools?

DH has no problem solving skills, I'm really not joking, and he is a Phd

I mean this sort of flippantly and sort of not. He is a bit odd, eccentric at the very least, and has always been somewhat outside the system. He also is a deliriously happy adult who is working with much satisfaction in a bonkers corner of academia. I, on the other hand, always excelled academically, automatically look that road as far as I could, then reached the end of it and realised I haven 't a bloody clue what I want.

He's 4 so this is all pie in the sky, but please be alive to the possibility that being out of the ordinary in whatever way can be a gift.

Moonface, you are a parent. It is your job to live in the moment, rejoice in your son and prepare him for the best way to live his life.

My ds was not able to read or dress himself when he was 4 either. Throughough primary school he was in bottom sets and received extra help with reading, writing and maths. Now in Yr 9, he is in top set for several subjects and predicted decent GCSE results, though nobody seems prepared to commit to any specific figures.

He may end up at university, he may end up in a non-skilled job. It is not my job to decide that. My job is to support him in whatever is right for him, to be proud of him and to enjoy him.

My dd was clearly very academic from an early age. But by Yr 4 she was in a wheelchair, by Yr 8 she had pretty well dropped out of school, and by Yr 11 she had tried to kill herself. She is now in Sixth form, fighting back, catching up, preparing for her future. She still won't be going to university though, because she has decided she wants
something different. Her life, not mine.

I think the moral here is that life is a complex thing. Time spent making predictions about your children is pretty well time wasted.Time spent helping them now and loving them now and enjoying them now is not. Whatever had happened to us, that time could never have been wasted.

In helping your son to get his visual problems sorted you have already done something essential. Be proud of that. Enjoy the thought.

If he is in a position where he is allowed to feel he is "struggling" I doubt he will be receptive to learning - he will be distracted by the fact that he is "struggling" and not meeting everyone's expectations. This is a four year old, give him some slack and let him be himself and have the freedom to blossom at his own pace.

is this helpful ? My son is also 4, and his teacher recommended this for him just this morning at drop off. She thought that it would particularly suit my son's style of learning.

Moonfacesmother - would you say he has fine motor control problems? Is he clumsy? I'm asking very generally - but if the answer is yes, he may possibly be dyspraxic. It's worth looking into, even though he is 4 etc., because it could be a problem. I have a friend whose DS is severely dyspraxic, has very poor muscle tone, has verbal apraxia (needed speech therapy to learn how to use his mouth to make sounds). He can't do fine motor control stuff, like buttons, zips, shoelaces - and his writing is shocking still at 6.

But - wait and see how he gets on with his glasses before you jump to other conclusions - and if he's still having problems, it's another thing to look at.

He's so young, please don't worry and please don't take this very early assessment to heart.

One of mine was very slow to take off with reading and writing, at 4 she was well behind where her sister was at the same age and I started to worry. I did do intensive reading with her when she got to 6 and still couldn't read. She's now 8 and flying along, it just switched on later for her, about 2-3 years later than her sister, but it hasn't made any difference, if anything she is more motivated by her new found skills in reading and writing and maths, whereas her sister who finds it all very easy is quite bored and switched off, a lot of this is repeated so many times in primary school.

Even if he isn't an academic type, there are loads of paths to success in this world. Get his sight sorted, give him a year or two (what are word lists for a 4 year old, my 4 year old couldn't read lists or indeed anything!) and then spring into action if needs be.

I know that feeling of disappointment it isn't going to be easy for them, it's hard when you are very academic yourself, but it's so much better to start thinking flexibly about who your child is from this point- better get over it, they may be quite different than you think!

I understand, my 6 year old started a new school recently (P2 in Scotland) and at her parents evening we were told she is behind the rest of her class in reading and spelling. As a parent you feel dreadful. DD1 is a high flyer and we just assumed DD2 would be as well. Now we need to re-evaluate that expectation and remember not to compare the two. I just wanted to say that I understand how your feeling and don't worry, time is a great thing and with support I'm sure your DS will be fine, as will my DD!

He's still so little. It must have been hard to hear all that negativity, but please try to put it out of your mind now. Let him get used to the glasses, I'm sure they'll make a difference quite quickly, but most of all just enjoy him, carry on with all the reading and stuff you've been doing. Make sure he gets lots of opportunity to play and run around and kick/throw/catch a ball and do little fiddly things like play dough and Hama beads etc, this'll help his gross and fine motor skills in fun ways without any pressure :)

He is quite "clumsy" and he falls over a lot.
When I met with his teacher before he started school I suggested he might have dyspraxia or a visual processing problem...now I wonder if it might all be related to his sight. I'm sure some people are wondering why we never picked up on his sight before but honestly it seemed fine! He doesn't squint, hasn't got a lazy eye, is able to see detail in pictures quite close up. For example he can play the game Dobble quite well!
However he can't do lego, buttons, zips, puzzles etc. the ophthalmologist said he has no 3d vision and was surprised that he is able to kick and catch a ball quite well. He has never been interested in drawing and his pictures aren't very good. It's hard to know if it is the fine motor or the vision.

I'm not bothered about bragging on fb myself and never have about other things he can do. It just came at a time when I was feeling particularly worried I suppose. If you've just been told your child is having difficulties and had a very negative picture painted of them at school it does rub salt in the wound a little to then see a number of parents posting about how their child is doing brilliantly. Sorry, I know I shouldn't care about how anyone else's child is getting on but I'm only human.

Thank you for all the supportive messages. I was prepared that I might get some telling me I was an awful parent.
I hope I'm not. I just felt sad about it. I wanted school to be a happy positive thing for him and now I'm worried it might not be.

I understand your latest post very well. And know what you mean about 'comparing'. Not comparing, but I am not sure how else to put it. I have broken my heart over DS being 'behind' everyone else his age. He is SO not ready to potty train at all (but we had a little breakthrough today) and people have been a bit snide, and it has affected me. Seeing another child his age write her name today when I dropped him off at nursery made me wonder if I need to push him more and made me anxious.

So, yes, like upthread I said 'he is 4 stop worrying' but I am doing the same as you too.

Please update us after he gets his glasses.... lots of posters think he will fly once that happens. I look forward to hearing about it!

Compare him to my DD then..she cant speak at 7.5 I know..its all relative though.

I do like Pancake's post. That is a brilliant summary of what patenting feels like. I love it.

OP, my dc aren't at school yet but tbh I might have had the same initial reaction as you. However, there is so much going on for your ds. Not least of which, as many others have said, is his eye sight. He must have found it so hard to see anything at all. Also school at 4 is a big deal and children have lots of things to deal with alongside the academic.
I must say I don't think the teacher's wording sounds very constructive. I'd definitely go into the school and discuss the issues with them.

You are the only one making school an issue. You want it to be a positive experience yet you are already piling on the pressure so he keeps up with your friends kids. If bragging on Facebook wasn't an issue then why mention it all. It seems to me that YOU are feeling sorry for YOURSELF. Stop being so bloody selfish and think about him. If all he is capable of doing is scribbling on paper if he is happy leave him be and thank your lucky stars he can even hold a pencil to scribble with. I have honestly never heard a parent complain their child wasn't in the top set. He sounds like he has underlying issues that hopefully the glasses will sort out but if not you really need to pull your head out of our backside and get him the help and support he needs cos I your not willing to fight for him you don't deserve him

I actually do understand. But please give glasses a chance and don't worry too much until then. Also he could be a slow starter.

Tealady that is ridiculously unnecessarily harsh. Wtf.

Tealady it isn't that they have told me he isn't in the top set so I'm upset
I don't think they even have top set in reception!

It's that they've said he's finding everything difficult. Writing, reading, numeracy, socially, personally - all of it. That's a bit different to just being put out your child isn't in the top groups.

He is only wee and hasnt been able to see.

For the nth time :)

I know fanjo - I'm really hoping his life will be much much much easier with his glasses. Even if he is fighting against wearing them!

So help him, fight for him don't put the pressure on him be his advocate. My son has severe developmental delays so I know about being told he can't do this he can't do that etc focus on the things he can do help him develop those skills