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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My wife wants baby number 6- I don't am i being unreasonable????

119 replies

Groundzer0 · 19/03/2014 01:00

My wife (42) wants another baby. She is absolutely desperate to fall pregnant. She had 2 miscarriages last year, one an empty sack and little boy born sleeping at 16 weeks. We already have 5 children (12, 9, 8, 6 & 4). We have a 3 bed house converted to 4 with no more room to expand. Was forced to move when baby no 3 came along at height of the boom so stuck with large mortgage on a house with no equity. Have 7 seat car, my wife is learning to drive (2 yrs trying) with no end in site yet, she does not want to work again ever (her words). I am not apposed to more kids it is just the practical side of finances, car and living space.

When i have tried to say no, she has stated that she will get pregnant with or without me, or end it all. She refuses to discuss this with anybody from a professional background.
Am I being unreasonable in saying no???

OP posts:
smearedinfood · 19/03/2014 01:06

I think she's been unreasonable by not want to talk it through with you.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 19/03/2014 01:09

Of course you're not, and I say that as someone with six children

When read the title I was going to say that neither of you are being unreasonable to want different things, but I do think she is being very unreasonable to try and threaten and emotionally blackmail you. I can understand she must be very upset after your loses and desperately wants another but it is not just her choice to make. She is being very unfair to you

Logistically it can be done, but if it's not something you want then that is fair enough

I do think she needs to speak to somebody, joint councilling would be a great ides. In the meantime could you agree to have a break from the subject to give you both time to think? It can't help if you keep going round in circles

horsetowater · 19/03/2014 01:09

When she says "end it all" does she mean her life, or her relationship with you?

catkind · 19/03/2014 01:14

I think you're both being a little bit unreasonable saying yes and no respectively without having a proper discussion about it. What does your wife say to the practical issues? Have you both thought through where you would have to cut back if you had another, what it would look like in practice? You were trying last year by the sounds of it (and sorry to hear of your losses), what's changed since then? What does her working again have to do with another child? Surely she's more likely to need to work if you have one more teenager to support in a few years' time.

horsetowater · 19/03/2014 01:16

You could always put it to the vote. Ask the children if they want a smaller house, it's unlikely they will say yes. Or you could suggest a puppy?

Original poster
Groundzer0 · 19/03/2014 02:01

Thanks for the messages and support.

To answer the questions:
when she says end it all she is referring to suicide.
when i have posed seeking help, GP, counselling or anything else the response is negatively "they cant give me a baby, so why do I need to see them".
while i have a reasonably well paid job, we do not get any tax or working credit. I don't smoke, drink or go out unless it is as a family. To cut back would mean cancelling things such as internet and landline phone or to stop the kids doing clubs and sports. My mobile and car are supplied by work so are free, in my current financial situation i budget for £100 per week to feed 7 while i am not struggling to put a roof over our heads feed and clothe us all at the end if the month i may have £20-£30 spare.

OP posts:
C3P0 · 19/03/2014 02:14

Maybe she could compromise on the job? A bit of extra money would help. You need to be both supportive and realistic with her if you do try together . It may be yet more heartache at her age, sadly.

puntasticusername · 19/03/2014 02:31

Why is your wife so fixated on having baby No. 6 that she claims to be willing to abandon babies 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 (not to mention you) by committing suicide if she isn't "allowed" it? That's extremely odd, and YANBU to challenge such thinking.

Sorry to hear about the miscarriages she has suffered. Is there some lingering trauma there for her that she needs to address; address properly, that is, not just by trying to fill the gap with another baby?

VoyageDeVerity · 19/03/2014 02:35

She sounds very, very troubled. I really don't think it's a good idea that someone potentially suicidal gets pregnant tbh.

Original poster
Groundzer0 · 19/03/2014 02:54

She is adamant that she no longer wants to work. Tried broaching the subject several times as youngest is just about to go full time. With the last two she cut her hours down to one day.
When her firm moved that day from Sunday to Monday, I could only cope for about a year as my Monday consisted of up at 4am get all the children up, get her to work for 5am come home get everyone settled again get them all up for school, do the school run, see to youngest pick second youngest up from nursery do the house thing pick rest up from school feed and water pick her up at 6pm then be at work for 8pm.
Honestly i don't know how you guys do it, I only had to do it for one day and it killed me :-)

OP posts:
ZingSweetCoconut · 19/03/2014 05:32

if she is threatening with suicide then she seriously needs help.

I wouldn't even discuss another child until she has made a step towards getting counselling.

Finola1step · 19/03/2014 06:07

If she won't go to her GP, there's nothing stopping you seeing your GP to discuss the situation and ask for support for yourself.

It really sounds like that she needs help to deal with the miscarriages. And you need help to deal with the emotional blackmail. I feel for your wife but her threats regarding suicide are emotional abuse in my opinion. No one should be forced into creating a child. I can appreciate that she is grieving for the two babies she has lost, but demanding to have another is not going to stop that grieving.

Even if you did have another baby, the situation would not be resolved. She would still be greiving and depressed (probably). It could make the situation a lot worse.

Boris13 · 19/03/2014 06:13

You would need a new car

Your children would potentially be more squashed with sharing a room

What happened when ur oldest becomes a teenager, they will need there own room really

At atleast 43 (when baby is born) she may feel alot 'older' than the last time around.

You are not being unreasonable....

Roshbegosh · 19/03/2014 06:18

Is it to avoid working or to help get over the losses? It does sound mad either way. The two of you need to talk this through without threats but like others have said, she needs help. Could you go to Relate? One day they will grow up and leave and she must make sure she has something left to live for when that day comes.

saintlyjimjams · 19/03/2014 06:19

If she's threatening suicide & refusing to work ever again she needs mental health support not another baby. Does she have a history of mental health problems?

YANBU

sarahquilt · 19/03/2014 06:23

No. YANBU at all. I think 5 is loads! I wouldn't dream of having 5 kids. I think you're right and enough is definitely enough.

KepekCrumbs · 19/03/2014 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 19/03/2014 06:30

I think that is very troubled and needs professional help. She wants a baby for all the wrong reasons and it is totally impractical, as in not fitting in the car etc.

pommedeterre · 19/03/2014 06:32

A woman doing a days work doesn't normally demand such huge sacrifices from her family for one day.

She sounds selfish in the extreme, willing to do nothing and wanting it all.

However she also sounds very troubled and you need to seek mental health help for her ASAP.

HadABadDay2014 · 19/03/2014 06:33

What's going to be your child care during school holidays, I suspect that 5x childcare cost 13 weeks a year would be difficult.

Your wife needs some help if she is threatening suicide.

I hope you are not relying on your wife for contraception.

janey68 · 19/03/2014 06:36

If she is seriously suicidal then she needs urgent help. If she isn't, Then she's deeply manipulative. What a terrible situation for you and also your five children because it really sounds as though she's not in a healthy emotional state to meet their needs.

Clearly the experiences of miscarriage were traumatic, but these were your children too, and it's not a reason in itself for her to behave so irrationally.

The work issue is a little unclear... Is she afraid of working? Is the idea of a new baby some kind of 'insurance' policy because she thinks it gives her a get out from working for another few years?

Whatever the whole story I agree with the suggestion that you speak with the GP. You may not be able to force her to receive help, but you need to access it yourself because any parent threatening suicide is in an extreme place. She may not be Able to help her feelings, but the way she is using them as a threat/ bargaining tool is tantamount to emotional abuse to you and the children

somedizzywhore1804 · 19/03/2014 06:36

This is really troubling. I agree that I think she needs to talk to a professional.... Maybe with you. I'm sorry you're in this position OP. I hope you can resolve this without either having to have a child you don't want or your wife spiralling into illness.

janey68 · 19/03/2014 06:39

PS I agree with the above point too... It's not just the miscarriage issues but the fact that when she did work for just one day, she expected SO much from you, yet seemed unable to cope herself. One days work is very little, and for you as the full timer to be dealing with all the childcare and home stuff and even waking her up FGS is just ridiculous.
Has she always had trouble coping with life?

Voerendaal · 19/03/2014 06:39

She needs medical help. She sounds depressed. Please try to persuade her to see her GP or speak to your GP and express your concerns. I totally understand a woman's longing for a baby especially after your losses, that is so desperately sad. And at her age ( I had my one and only DC when I was 43 after many years of fertility treatment) she will see it as her last chance. However it obviously is not practical. I just feel that her emotions and desires are all heightened after her losses and I think she needs help to get things into perspective again.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/03/2014 06:41

She doesn't want another child does she - she wants what being pregnant and having a baby brings her. She has unmet needs that she thinks will be met by being pregnant and having a baby. She can't threaten you into having a baby and if you are adamant you don't want another, and you are quite sensible in holding that position IMO, she is being very unreasonable to blackmail you by threatening what? To leave you, sperm jack you or kill herself?
I think she needs psychological help here. Whether she will accept that is a different story.
If I were you I would have a vasectomy (tell her, don't do it secretly) and abstain from sex until it's done.