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AIBU?

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Original poster

My wife wants baby number 6- I don't am i being unreasonable????

119 replies

Groundzer0 · 19/03/2014 01:00

My wife (42) wants another baby. She is absolutely desperate to fall pregnant. She had 2 miscarriages last year, one an empty sack and little boy born sleeping at 16 weeks. We already have 5 children (12, 9, 8, 6 & 4). We have a 3 bed house converted to 4 with no more room to expand. Was forced to move when baby no 3 came along at height of the boom so stuck with large mortgage on a house with no equity. Have 7 seat car, my wife is learning to drive (2 yrs trying) with no end in site yet, she does not want to work again ever (her words). I am not apposed to more kids it is just the practical side of finances, car and living space.

When i have tried to say no, she has stated that she will get pregnant with or without me, or end it all. She refuses to discuss this with anybody from a professional background.
Am I being unreasonable in saying no???

OP posts:
LizSurly · 19/03/2014 10:26

Gosh, she'd leave five children behind without a mum for a hypothetical child that doesn't exist? Confused Sad That brought tears to my eyes.

I hope you all get some help. She sounds in a bad place and it must be some load carrying that on your shoulders. Brew

Southpaws · 19/03/2014 10:28

I'm sorry for your losses jellybeans but people are still entitled to give their opinions if they haven't been through a similar experience.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2014 10:35

I lost a 9-year-old daughter. No new baby would ever 'heal' me. I think this lady needs serious professional help.

jellybeans · 19/03/2014 10:39

True Southpaws but you may not be able to understand the lady's feelings as well as someone who has been through similar as her. Of course even in similar situations people can act differently though, some people may feel the opposite. I could relate to her longing for another one that's all.

Bornin1984 · 19/03/2014 10:39

Sorry your having to experience this op, wast the miscarriages after your youngest was born or intbetween the other children? It sounds like your wife hasn't dealt with her grief in a way that she can move on and manage her life with the kids!

It's sad to think they she can automatically replace your angel babies with another! Babies should be made with love and affection not to fill a void!

Have you spoken to anybody impartial about this?

Say you change your mind and you agree to try for another and god forbid she looses that one? Her mental health will further decrease, and at what lengths will she go for another baby?

This leaves your children very vulnerable with a mummy who isn't appearing to be coping with grief and them kids (sorry to be harsh) are living, healthy and well need to come
First!

Sharaluck · 19/03/2014 10:40

I think you need to see your gp and ask for advise on this ASAP.

You need to take her suicide threats very seriously and seek help for her.

How is she coping with the children?

Sort out her issues with depression/ suicidal risks etc before you discuss having another baby with her.

hunreeeal · 19/03/2014 10:41

Can you see the GP both together?

Towanda · 19/03/2014 10:42

I lost a 43 minute old daughter. Its taken nearly 9 years and 4 subsequent children to even begin to come to terms with the fact that there will always be a dd1 shaped hole in the family. I still feel a physical urge to have another baby, despite the logical part of me knowing that a fifth living child would be a very bad idea financially and practically. We are each different and react to loss very differently but the desperate urge to have another baby following a loss shouldn't be dismissed out of hand here.

I do think the OP's wife needs some talking therapy to help her start to come to terms with the death of her baby and perhaps when she is in a better place, they can talk about the practicalities of another child and make a decision together.

Towanda · 19/03/2014 10:44

That should say the desperate urge to have another baby that some women feel. I appreciate not everyone feels that way.

Only1scoop · 19/03/2014 10:45

I am 41 and recently lost MMC at 17 wks. I'm terrified to try again and probably won't. I'm amazingly thankful every single day for the 1 dd that we do have.

I am unable myself to relate to the feelings your wife has Op but I understand just how tough the loss was on you also. It hit my partner terribly.

Can you persuade her to speak to Gp re some counselling or does she have a best friend she confides in.

I've felt quite isolated since my loss and am only just returning to work 3 months later. I hope she gets the help she so obviously need.

I do agree with you though....trying again for baby number 6 doesn't sound viable at all.

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 10:48

Towanda, expat, jellybeans, and all those who have lost children, babies at birth, babies before birth (or even, like me, babies in a test tube) we can all understand from our different experiences of loss.
Those who haven't lost but know the longing for another child can also understand.
The bit that is so worrying is the 'I will leave you all' (via suicide).
Your already born children need you and they need their mother.

Get help for her re the suicidal ideation (even if it is just a threat to you).
Then you can talk about all the rest of it.

SoonToBeSix · 19/03/2014 11:10

Is everyone missing the fact that that she has had a still born child who she is desperate to " replace" . Having another baby while she is unwell would not be wise but in the future having another child may help her heal.

SoonToBeSix · 19/03/2014 11:12

You do have enough space though. I have six dc one has autism and needs her own room so that leaves two bedrooms from five dc more than enough. Our car has nine seats anything is doable , space is just an excuse.

Viviennemary · 19/03/2014 11:13

I missed that the OP's partner had a child stillborn. . I am very sorry.

Bornin1984 · 19/03/2014 11:16

I can't see how space is an excuse! Not
Everybody is comfortable with this type of living conditions you describe pp!

You have no idea what siZe their house is

NurseyWursey · 19/03/2014 11:17

SoonToBe How on earth do you know if they've got enough space? Confused

ZingSweetCoconut · 19/03/2014 11:17

soon

I think a lot of us got that.

you can't replace one child with another.
so if someone thinks they could, that is not only a wrong reason to have a baby, but because it won't "solve the problem" (ie you will always miss the child/ren you lost) the person is likely to end up with even more emotional/mental issues.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2014 11:20

I missed that she had a stillbirth. The OP said two miscarriages.

Children are not replaceable. The idea that you can just have another one and that's you 'healed' kind of makes me sick. My child was 9 when she died, I can't just go out and get another one Hmm. Not that I'd want to.

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 11:21

I saw that both parents lost a child via stillbirth which is unimaginably awful.
One parent is still so distraught about (potentially replacing) that baby that she is speaking of suicide.
She needs urgent help to get to a more stable place.
Then, and only then, can talk about 'another baby' take place.

LongTimeLurking · 19/03/2014 11:27

jellybeans are you crazy?

They have 5 kids, a crowded house and are living on a very tight budget. These are very valid reasons practical NOT to have another baby.

On top of that she is threatening suicide if she doesn't get another baby or is expected to go back to work ever. This is a massive red flag about her mental state and the state of the relationships (healthy ones do not rely on emotional blackmail and give give give from one party).

Having another baby isn't going to 'heal' anything. It would be massive irresponsible in the circumstances described by the OP.

bakingtins · 19/03/2014 11:30

She didn't have a stillbirth, that was someone else who replied. OP's wife had 2 miscarriages, one of which was a late miscarriage at 16 weeks.
I know from my extensive experience of the MC board that many (but of course not all) women who experience any form of pregnancy loss are desperate to get pregnant again. You can't replace a lost baby, much less a lost child who you knew and loved, but it is often part of the healing process to have a successful pregnancy and put things 'back on track'. That doesn't mean OP should agree to another baby when he has v valid reasons that it's not a good idea, but it does go some way to explaining his wife's desperation, and she needs help to come to terms with the losses.

OP hasn't said if he had agreed to TTC for the miscarried pregnancies, if he has now reneged on an agreement to have a 6th child that makes it more complicated.

NurseyWursey · 19/03/2014 11:31

And even if they were to have a baby, how does the OP know that she'll not do all this again and want another one?

jellybeans · 19/03/2014 11:31

In my Sands group the vast majority went on to have another 'rainbow' baby because they desperately wanted another baby. You can never replace the baby you lose, every child is unique. There will always be 2 beautiful girls missing from my family and 2 other earlier babies we lost. But you can have hope and happiness in other children and going through a healthy pregnancy/birth after a heartbreaking miscarriage or late loss can be healing in many of the difficult feelings that some people have. that isn't to say everyone feels this way (as above some are the opposite) or that it takes all the pain away, it doesn't, nothing can, I suffer it each day. but I am very glad I went on to have my subsequent babies they gave me reason to move forward and we desperately wanted every one of them! I don't feel mothers that lose a pregnancy should be made to feel guilty for 'trying again', or a mum of stillborns assumed to be 'replacing a baby' in fact many are advised to try again. If I could have the 4 i lost back of course I would have them all.

jellybeans · 19/03/2014 11:34

LongTimeLurking I was just saying I understood where OP was coming from as had been through similar. The feelings after a loss can be overwhelming.

firstchoice · 19/03/2014 11:36

sorry if I muddled the stillbirth with the miscarriage, apologies to the OP.
It is still a loss, that she is trying to work through, and wanting to try for another baby may be part of that and that is not wrong of her in itself, of course not, just as it is not wrong for the OP not to want to try again.

BUT - if she is so fragile (or manipulative) that she is speaking of suicide then the needs of her born children should come first. They need their mother and OP needs to get her help for this suicidal ideation.
Only then can they talk of the 'rights and wrongs' of trying for another child.