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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My wife wants baby number 6- I don't am i being unreasonable????

119 replies

Groundzer0 · 19/03/2014 01:00

My wife (42) wants another baby. She is absolutely desperate to fall pregnant. She had 2 miscarriages last year, one an empty sack and little boy born sleeping at 16 weeks. We already have 5 children (12, 9, 8, 6 & 4). We have a 3 bed house converted to 4 with no more room to expand. Was forced to move when baby no 3 came along at height of the boom so stuck with large mortgage on a house with no equity. Have 7 seat car, my wife is learning to drive (2 yrs trying) with no end in site yet, she does not want to work again ever (her words). I am not apposed to more kids it is just the practical side of finances, car and living space.

When i have tried to say no, she has stated that she will get pregnant with or without me, or end it all. She refuses to discuss this with anybody from a professional background.
Am I being unreasonable in saying no???

OP posts:
NotJustACigar · 19/03/2014 06:47

Perhaps she is someone who absolutely loves babies but isn't too bothered about children? She sounds extremely selfish and probably suffering from some sort of mental illness. YANBU. I think this whole situation is completely unfair on you. I don't see how a frown adult can refuse to work, either, once the youngest is at school. She could work evenings or weekends or part time during school hours. £100 a week to feed seven people is not much.

Roshbegosh · 19/03/2014 06:49

Has she thought about this one, if it happens being her last? Sooner or later she will have to stop and face life without pregnancies.

FrontForward · 19/03/2014 07:02

Have you considered seeing the GP yourself to discuss this? If you share the same GP they cannot discuss another patient but background information is useful when seeing another patient?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 19/03/2014 07:03

Oh op this is sad. I'm so very sorry. The focus is a baby. The issue is serious depression in my very personal opinion (not doc) . I'm afraid I cannot see how to 'argue' as her present condition will override all logical thought.

You make an appointment for your GP. You explain the situation. Ask their advice. You will have to be very clear and explicit in what's going on. I'd even suggest what you can as ideas to help as you know your life together.

There's no forwards in discussion at this stage. The depression is clouding everything. Wish you strength and love xxx

mollypup · 19/03/2014 07:05

Who needs six children? Why is it any different to five? If it means having to forfeit things such as the internet, phone etc (essentials nowadays) you obviously wouldn't be able to afford it.

fanjolina · 19/03/2014 07:06

Your wife is a controlling and abusive making demands like that.

LTB.

dotnet · 19/03/2014 07:09

I think your wife is being unreasonable.

Why not suggest that she start fostering? There are children out there who really need what your wife and family could give them.

You could make enquiries, at least. If you were accepted for fostering, as I understand it, the kind of fostering (eg short term, long term, babies, older children) will be thrashed through with both of you. And again, if your wife and you went ahead, you'd be in a better, rather than worse, situation financially than where you are now.

bakingtins · 19/03/2014 07:10

As someone who has suffered 4MC I can completely sympathise with her desire to be pregnant again to 'put something right' the difference being that we were in agreement that we wanted and could afford to have another child. Did you agree to the pregnancies last year or were they 'accidents' from your point of view at least? If you TTC, she MC, and you have since changed your mind I can see how difficult that is for her.
From your POV there are good sensible arguments for not adding another child into the mix, you have plenty to cope with already.
The threats and emotional blackmail are not healthy and I agree with everyone who says she needs some counselling/therapy.
Just don't underestimate how devastating the MC were or how hard to accept ending her reproductive career on a loss will be, particularly if being a Mum is how she defines herself.

janey68 · 19/03/2014 07:11

Part of the reason you need professional specialist support is that it's impossible for you (or us) to unravel what may be mental Illness and what may be pure selfish unreasonableness. Mental illness doesn't preclude being selfish... It's perfectly possible that she is innately selfish and the events that have happened and her state of mind are also factors. I have to say, the way she treated you when she did work one day a week is very telling because it sounds like this was prior to the miscarriages and the current longing for a baby. It seems she expects you to give give give and provide for her the life she wants (she's also wanting the children to provide the life she desires) while she just takes.

bakingtins · 19/03/2014 07:13

They can't foster. You need a spare room. She'd never pass their checks for mental health whilst this is unresolved. It doesn't pay enough to allow them to move somewhere with seven bedrooms.

Delphiniumsblue · 19/03/2014 07:18

You wouldn't put a vulnerable foster child into that situation. It isn't a good situation for a baby because the poor thing is expected to heal all the problems, which is an impossible task.

eddielizzard · 19/03/2014 07:19

wow! emotional blackmail there. she wants a baby but is unwilling to work out how to make it all work.

no advice but i wouldn't let her take responsibility for contraception.

EirikurNoromaour · 19/03/2014 08:10

You can't foster children to meet your own emotional needs. You just can't.

ZingSweetCoconut · 19/03/2014 08:12

mollypup

who needs six children?

well I did. and so did quite a few people I know.
I think your comment is very hurtful.

Only1scoop · 19/03/2014 08:14

Yanbu....awful situation I hope she gets the help she needs.

Only1scoop · 19/03/2014 08:15

And definately don't leave contraception to your wife's discretion .

IceBeing · 19/03/2014 08:18

100% agree that you should not have a child in an attempt to solve your mental health issues. This is a terrible plan. Get the MH on the path to being controlled first, then think about children....

Charlie01234 · 19/03/2014 08:18

What happens after number six? My guess is you'll be back in the same situation with her wanting number seven. She needs professional help.

givemeaclue · 19/03/2014 08:19

Nobody 'needs' 6 children. Want is different from need

pinkdelight · 19/03/2014 08:21

This isn't about a baby. A baby won't solve the issues she's got. The first five haven't done so, why would another? She's fixating on it as if it's the answer, and you denying her is probably making her more fixated (which is not to say you should give in, you're right not to), but you already know the answer is getting some kind of help for her. See your GP and take it from there. Good luck. It sounds like a very tough situation and you're not being unreasonable at all.

maggiemight · 19/03/2014 08:25

V sad, she should be devoting her energies to the DCs she has.

Def start by talking to GP and don't diminish the problem, mention the suicide threats.

ComposHat · 19/03/2014 08:32

I would be booking myself in for the snip at the first possible opportunity too. I wouldn't trust her to be responsible for contraception.

whois · 19/03/2014 08:38

This isn't about being reasonable or not. She is threatening suicide. She needs to see her GP!

whois · 19/03/2014 08:40

And for gods sake OP make bloody sure you wear a condom whenever you have sex. It would be highly irresponsible to bring another baby into the family with so many unresolved issues (MH, space, money).

OTheHugeManatee · 19/03/2014 08:40

She needs a doctor, not another baby.