My wife wants baby number 6- I don't am i being unreasonable????

[Groundzer0]

My wife (42) wants another baby. She is absolutely desperate to fall pregnant. She had 2 miscarriages last year, one an empty sack and little boy born sleeping at 16 weeks. We already have 5 children (12, 9, 8, 6 & 4). We have a 3 bed house converted to 4 with no more room to expand. Was forced to move when baby no 3 came along at height of the boom so stuck with large mortgage on a house with no equity. Have 7 seat car, my wife is learning to drive (2 yrs trying) with no end in site yet, she does not want to work again ever (her words). I am not apposed to more kids it is just the practical side of finances, car and living space.

When i have tried to say no, she has stated that she will get pregnant with or without me, or end it all. She refuses to discuss this with anybody from a professional background.
Am I being unreasonable in saying no???

Very severe midlife crisis? The miscarriages and the end of having children might mean growing old to her, and mortality... And her life has centered on the children for years. Poor you, OP. Please talk to your GP or Samaritans to work out how best to help her, yourself and your family.

You sound like you are a lovely and caring man. I am very sorry for your loss, but she needs professional help. Have you tried contacting a local Sure Start Centre? I know health visitors fare badly on mn, but when I had bad pnd, mine was amazing at getting the help I really needed.

Not quite the same thing obviously, but at least you could talk to someone. My hv made it clear she was there for dh too.

Your wife is either seriously depressed or has an undiagnosed mental illness. That is the only way to explain a threat of suicide in this context.

Please go to your GP/health care professional and explain what is happening here, your wife clearly needs medical help urgently.

I speak from experience of losing 2 babies late in pregnancy. I was desperate for another both times (and i had 2 living children already with one and 4 already with second one). It wasn't a want but a deep need and it healed me both times. I think it is deeply unfair to deny your partner another chance at a healthy baby because she had the terrible luck of losing the baby she did have. Please rethink. not many people will understand this though unless they have been through late losses or multiple losses.

This is nothing to do with having more babies and how to afford them and logistics etc.

That is irrelevant - the real problem is that your wife needs urgent help to deal with her grief over the loss of the last two babies.

She is NOT simply undergoing normal grieving - threatening to kill herself (and thus say good bye to ALL her children) isn't normal. Her responses to you over the baby issue, refusing to discuss it etc. - are all a part of that.

You need to keep insisting that she sees the doctor and reiterating that the problem is her dealing or not dealing with her grief. As others have said, it's quite possible that having another baby WON'T change the terrible way she must feel. Keep saying that to her too. What if we have another one and you still feel just as desperate? What then?

When she says a doctor can't help as they can't give her a baby - 'But having a baby won't solve this problem. A baby won't necessarily help the way you feel.'

Good luck.

Completely disagree with post above, another baby isn't going to solve whatever problems she has. Nor would baby no. 7 or however many she could have until she stopped conceiving. You're being completely reasonable, if you have five children and another one would push you over the edge financially then it's time to stop. She definitely needs professional help.

Have you lost multiple babies or late losses cattypussclaw ?

Jellybeans I think you are being unfair on the OP, saying he is denying her a baby. They were his losses too. It is a bit silly to say people who haven't had losses won't understand. Just because someone has lost a baby common sense should not go out of the window and it is clearly not sensible to have another baby in this situation. She clearly needs professional help.
And I am say that as someone who has had recurrent miscarriage.

No!

I agree that if she is talking about denying the children she does have of a mother by suicide then she needs serious help. Another child is not the answer. I would agree with others that you should see the GP alone to discuss this. The baby issue is a red herring, her mental state is the issue.

I don't want to keep going either so don't think the OP's wife should be assumed to, am stopping at 5 and happy with that. Lots of the terrible grief has subsided after going on to have healthy babies after suffering the extreme bad luck and heartbreak of losing my other babies so late. But people genuinely don't understand the horrific grief and difficult feelings that come on after, in particular, late losses or repeated losses. Some feelings are extremely strong.

Presumably the OP was going to have no 6 but through terrible events lost the baby. The OP's wife has carried that child for a few months, probably extra grateful after the loss before, and fully expected to have a sixth child then it was cruelly snatched away. It must be hugely difficult to try to get over the horrendous grief when you are denied the chance to try again that many people instinctively have after a loss. More so if people assume you already have 'lots' so why would you want more, should be grateful for the ones you have etc etc. It's not that simple.

Jellybeans, a baby is not going to solve her issues and trying to guilt the OP into changing his mind is not gonna help.

Hes already said 5 children are stretching them financially, having another child wont help.

Jellybeans, even if there weren't the glaring issues around her mental health, a father is also allowed to decide when he's had enough children, and take contraceptive steps to prevent anymore. It is not right for either mother or father to unilaterally decide that they will have more without the other's agreement.

This is a mother who is refusing to work so putting all the financial burden of supporting that family on the OP. Their house and life physically can't accommodate more children. He is not being unreasonable by saying he doesn't want anymore.

'Hes already said 5 children are stretching them financially, having another child wont help'

But they were having a 6th?

'This is a mother who is refusing to work so putting all the financial burden of supporting that family on the OP. Their house and life physically can't accommodate more children. He is not being unreasonable by saying he doesn't want anymore.'

Hopefully they can talk more and come to agreement on their issues, financial and otherwise. It is always good to hear from alternate viewpoints though which is why I posted having had many of OP's issues and feelings (not all of them).

Yes they were going to have a 6th, but the situation has changed now, she has issues that need dealing with, threatened suicide and even threatened to get pregnant other ways.

Bringing a baby into an otherwise unstable situation it now is, would be very foolish.

Once OP's DW has worked through her grief and mental health issues, maybe they might revisit the possibility of having a 6th child.

But then she may want a 7th, it will have to end somewhere.

She is being incredibly selfish to refuse to take your wishes into consideration. But on the other hand the desire to have children isn't exactly always a logical one. I agree that she should see her GP.

'Yes they were going to have a 6th, but the situation has changed now'

has it changed drastically financially? Or just because of the mental issues which are very common after a late loss (I don't know if she had these before?). To me she just sounds desperate to have the 6th child she was expecting to have and through no fault of her own lost tragically. I know a lot of bereaved parents through Sands and other groups and can't think of any that went on to have huge numbers of children. Most just wanted to try again after their loss (no matter how many children they had already).

I think if your wife feels SO desperate for another baby that she would contemplate leaving the children she has, forever, by suicide, then she needs help for that, first and foremost.

Everything else can be talked over when she is in a more stable place.

I understand the longing for another child completely. I have had a number of miscarriages. I have had to have lots of IVF, which has given me two amazing children. I have frozen embryos created with my husbands agreement that we would ALWAYS give them the chance of life, whatever the circumstances. However, he has 'changed his mind' and is adamant we will never use them. There is nothing I can do, legally. In three years time, an embryologist I have never met will remove them from the freezer, pour a type of detergent on them to ensure they 'are no longer viable' and they will be sluiced down a drain.
They are my dd's potential twin siblings. It KILLS me.
I really do understand feelings of utter desperation for another child.

THe reason I am saying this is: I would never never never contemplate leaving the children I have with regard to the children I 'might have' and I think if this is how your wife REALLY feels then she needs urgent help.

Even if she 'doesnt mean it' but she is desperate enough to make that statement, she needs some help. (and you could do with some support too, trying to look after her, 5 children and a full time job and house is remarkable).
I would contact GP in your shoes and I would also abstain whilst your wife is in this irrational state as she may be less than straightforward about contraception whilst she is feeling this way re another baby.

I wish you much luck.x

A woman who is mentally unstable is not the right person to bring up a baby anyway. A baby won't cure her MH issues. Somehow she needs to get help for the miscarriages. She is clearly depressed. Could you have a word with her GP?

1. Your wife needs mental help!
2. Why haven't you had a vasectomy?

nyanbu

i have two children and they exhaust me and overwhelm me. three would have killed me. your wife must be mad!

yes, have a Vasectomy yesterday

I feel so sorry for you OP this must be tremendously difficult.

Is she serious about the suicide thing or is it just her being manipulative and dramatic? I think it's really sad she'd be willing to leave her children motherless because she wants another one :(

I hope you are using condoms. I'd get the snip if I were you.