My wife wants baby number 6- I don't am i being unreasonable????

[Groundzer0]

My wife (42) wants another baby. She is absolutely desperate to fall pregnant. She had 2 miscarriages last year, one an empty sack and little boy born sleeping at 16 weeks. We already have 5 children (12, 9, 8, 6 & 4). We have a 3 bed house converted to 4 with no more room to expand. Was forced to move when baby no 3 came along at height of the boom so stuck with large mortgage on a house with no equity. Have 7 seat car, my wife is learning to drive (2 yrs trying) with no end in site yet, she does not want to work again ever (her words). I am not apposed to more kids it is just the practical side of finances, car and living space.

When i have tried to say no, she has stated that she will get pregnant with or without me, or end it all. She refuses to discuss this with anybody from a professional background.
Am I being unreasonable in saying no???

Jelly, does it not
Concern you that the ops wife has stated she will end her life if she doesn't get what she wants??

Yes she has a hole in her life where her babies will always be missing from, bit what about the 6 immediate family she would leave behind? Or other members of her family!

Perhaps the op may discuss it further/options if his wife's mental health was more stable

I think we can accept that she very powerfully wants to have another baby, partly as she had a child born sleeping at 16 weeks (which is how the baby's father described it upthread).

When she originally wanted that sixth child, she can't have had the same reasons; she may have wanted the baby to avoid going back to work, or because she loves babies, or for all kinds of reasons, as ppl are saying. Perhaps its a shame that the OP didnt call her on that straight away, if he doesn't feel the same way.

The miscarriage and the subsequent late loss/still birth has made this desire much more powerful, and much harder to deal with. Its a serious problem now, to the extent that she is prepared to threaten suicide. Even if we can understand it, it's still a serious problem.

I think she needs herself to see what she is proposing: to abandon her living children if she can't create another baby. If you can't shock her by pointing this out, go to see your GP and get some advice on how to bring her to treatment and therapy somehow.

expat

totally agree.

I "only" had a MC, but wanted more before it happened, yet we waited a while to try because I wanted to make sure that my grief over the loss and being broody are two separate issues.

we had two more children since (DS5 & DD) plus another on the way and when I look at them I NEVER feel or think they are here purely because someone else couldn't make it.
they are here because they were wanted in their own rights.

the MC is a different issue and I will always miss her.

as before, sorry for the loss of your DD
and sorry for all the other losses, whatever stage it happened

*but wanted more kids before it happened

Posting quick so have only read part of the thread but I think your wife is grieving for the babies you both lost. She is in no fit state to have another child by the sounds of it and at her age is much more likely to suffer further miscarriages . She may even be entering early stages of menopause which could make her hormones all over the place.
Has she behaved like this in the past?
She needs to see a gp, she is being utterly unreasonable but she needs help. I hope you can work through this.

I had miscarriages, one very late. I was secretly enraged by well meaning people saying well, you can try again. I thought - I wanted that baby, and I needed to grieve for that baby.

My parents had a little boy who died at about a year, tragic. When my older sister arrived she was the 'replacement' and according to lots of family friends "the saviour of your dad". That is too much pressure to put on a child, she was anxious and very unimpressed when I arrived and challenged her position, it's taken until adulthood and a lot of counselling for us to be close.

The OP has a right to a view, the five children have needs, emotional and financial, and any baby to be has needs too. I agree that the OP's wife needs help with her grief and mental health. Babies are not sticking plasters to cover the wounds of loss, however real, deep and painful.

Yanbu your wife seriously needs mental health intervention.

I can't fathom why you would leave kids you already have to have another. That would imply the other children no longer matter.

Yanbu your wife seriously needs mental health intervention.

I can't fathom why you would leave kids you already have to have another. That would imply the other children no longer matter.

Hi Groundzero - you have a really dangerous situation here. She is threatening suicide! That really is an indication that she needs urgent help. Even if she's saying it for effect, it's not right that she is.

You say she won't work - but looking after 5 children, even when they are at school full time will be incredibly hard work in itself so I would simply accept that it won't happen, unless of course you are prepared to put in a lot of hours domestic work. From what you said earlier you couldn't manage one day so that is unlikely to be a real option.

If it won't happen then it's likely that any more children will put your finances really on the edge. Feeding five on £100 is no mean feat as you are doing at present will be hard, and as your children get older and physically larger they will need more space, and will need more food.

But first your DW does need to get some help with her mental health. She is what's keeping your family together and it's essential that she is well enough to do this.

I'm sorry you are going through all this but I do think having more children will tip your family over the edge.

Have your children ever heard her say she wants to kill herself?

The stregth of your DW's reaction suggests she is more afraid of something rather than positively seeking something. Emotional blackmail seems a bit over the top given your already large family.
What happens if the financial pressure gets too much and your health suffers. I would be thinking conversatively under the circumstances.

It's your wife that needs help.

1 Do not have a vasectomy especially if she is like she is at present, yes don't have sex for now, but ending your ability to reproduce when she is not in a 'reasonable' sence of mind could seriously damage your relationship.

1. I'll rais the issue of Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome - you don't want that when trying to resolve these issues.

So, Get your wife to the GP for help, and 2 stay away from sex.

The OPs wife isn't the only one to lose two children - he has lost his children too. And people react differently to the same events. It's quite possible that the OP was happy originally to have a 6th child, but in the light of the traumatic miscarriages and the subsequent issues, he now thinks differently. Just as some women who have suffered a miscarriage or a still birth are desperate to become pregnant again and others find some sort of closure with saying 'enough', drawing a line under it and moving forwards in other ways. There is no right or wrong way but the bottom line is no woman or man should ever feel coerced into having a child

If this were the other way round and the man desperately wanted 6 children, the wife originally agreed but after, say, 4, changed her mind, I highly doubt we'd see many people on here defending him in pushing her to keep producing

Ultimately no one has a right to another child. He doesn't want more, and that's his right. He also sounds as though there's a fundamental imbalance with her refusing to work 'ever again' and when she did have a one day a week job, expecting him to wake her up, get the kids up, sort out everything at home and work full time. Doesn't sound much of a good deal for him ...

Hi OP Hope you've had some help from the thread. I really feel for your situation. I think she needs serious mental help but I hope you get support too. Definitely stay away from sex for now. Another child would not help at all.

Yanbu not to want another child, but it sounds as though for your wife to admit to herself that her childbearing years are over is incredibly painful and traumatic, and she can't see a post-childbearing future for herself at the moment. I think it is a huge deal for lots of 40-something women to admit that you will never be pregnant again, never breastfeed again, and the next time you cuddle a tiny baby it may be a grandchild, and you'll be officially old.
Could you ask her to go for a medical check-up, ostensibly to check her general health and likelihood of going to term before deciding on whether to try again? (and prime the gp about her depression and grief)

Would it be easier for her to hear that while you would love to have another baby you reluctantly don't think it is in the interests of your existing 5 children?

op could you have a word in confidence with your health visitor? She could go round and visit your dw (say to check on your youngest before they start school) and maybe your dw will open up to her. I would hope your dw and her Hv have quite a good relationship by now. If not, you can always talk to your gp. Either way, she needs help before even thinking about another baby which would be crazy IMO anyway

I think you should ask your GP to make a home visit to see your wife.

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If she is genuinely considering harming herself you shouldn't be leaving her on her own with the children until she has had help.

You are in a shocking and sad situation I hope you get it resolved.