To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

I'm going to massively go against the grain here and say that she is being unreasonable. I come from the sort of family that is close-knit and good turns are expected from all family members. My parents would do an early babysitting start in a heartbeat, and likely my dad would make everyone breakfast afterwards.

My MIL helps out, but is not quite so forthcoming, and it's a bit jarring to me, having grown up around people with a completely different outlook.

Goldmandra- it was 6 a.m. and I think that the OP has said that her MIL gets up at around that time anyway. The OP doesn't expect her MIL to be available for help day and night. She has asked for help once in eight years!

I agree stopgap and am surprised at the majority response.

My "any assistance required refused" in laws had massive support from their own in laws. Dh and his brother spent all their childhood summers with his paternal grandparents. The fact my mil refuses even the bare minimum help despite being relatively young and retired does affect how we feel about them.

Bil had first baby and is experiencing the same treatment so guess they just not that interested.

Me too Kerala, even though we have zero family help I'm surprised so many people seem to think this is how it ought to be. I've seen this before on mn. It's quite out of step with most friends' rl experiences. Dd won't even talk to her gp on the phone because they bother with her so little.

"if parents aren't willing to help their adult children once in a blue moon (e.g. because they are extremely tired or sick),they can hardly expect those adult children to provide help or support in their old age."

I think that that is horrible tbh.

There's a world of difference imo between an older person needing help & two younger parents fancying a lie in together!

One of their finest moments was coming to stay for 3 nights when dd2 just out of hospital. She was prem and not feeding so I was expressing every 4 hours worried etc and had toddler. They arrived and didn't bring any food with them! Or help in any way but expected to be hosted as usual. Ended up munching through all the home cooked food my mother had brought round (dd 5 weeks early so i was unprepared). The midwives were shocked at their behaviour it wasn't just me being mean...

OK it was 6.00am but the MIL was clearly still in bed.

OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me to refuse to get out of bed to look after other people's children and it is way over the top to suggest that, by doing so, she's waived her right to any support in her old age.

Omg Kerala! I find that so unkind. How can people lack self awareness so much?

*I think that that is horrible tbh.

There's a world of difference imo between an older person needing help & two younger parents fancying a lie in together!*

She didn't just "fancy a lie in though". She asked for help as she is pregnant and is very tired.

So her husband could have got up!!

Jeez, neither of the parents wanted to get up with their child, but somehow the MIL is the villain for not wanting to either!

As I've said up thread. Look at your young dd who you supposedly love and treasure. In years to come, when she is pregnant, tired and overwhelmed, will you say "sorry dd I can you see you're exhausted, but even though I'm up in the morning, no way will I have your children for a few hours so you can have a much needed lie in".

Really? If family can't do something nice even on a rare occasion, then those people need to take a hard look at themselves.
The op is not expecting permanent help just a one off lie in.

Do you not remember what it is like to be pregnant with young children? No wonder so many women suffer from pnd with such lack if support.
I would never see my children exhausted and not offer minimal help. I will be a mother for life. That is how I see my role.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me to refuse to get out of bed to look after other people's children and it is way over the top to suggest that, by doing so, she's waived her right to any support in her old age.

I don't think it is over the top at all. My parents refused to help me under any circumstances when my children were small even when I was extremely tired. I have no intention of being that helpful when they are older even if I am able to help them.

I really despair at some mumsnet mentality.

YABU unreasonable as she has done her bit - you can however play that to your advantage - get DH to get up and leave you in bed - she may then help darling son and send him on back to bed with his wife.

I agree with Iseeyoushiver...

My MIL has never looked after the children for even an hour...
(we asked if ds could sit with them for an hour once whilst we went for a walk and an important talk about whether we could still stagger on as a couple. She said NO)
Did once read them a story on the sofa (with tv still on as FIL wouldn't turn it off).
No enquiries as to how ds with sen (poss sn) is managing / how we are managing.
Nothing. Ever. She sends them £5 pocket money and a comic every few months (I then feel obliged to get them to phone and say thank you, it is like a horrible exchange, not a relationship). She never even calls the house, just txts H.

Sadly, there is nothing I can do :)

Sorry, OP, but you cannot MAKE her care. Perhaps she finds it all a bit much as gets tired? Your H could step up a bit and give you a break? The 'trip out with Dad and granny' (whilst you rest ;) sounds good?

I think it's the sort of thing that's nice if offered, but you often set yourself up for a fall if you expect it.

But if you're both so tired, best not to be doing such a journey & asking her to do the travelling.

YANBU I would be quite annoyed with her, not for failing to offer as much as refusing to get up and help when asked. You are hardly there so on the surface you would think she could manage it this once. Maybe there are other reasons, but I do feel your frustration.

Stopgap, if you have children, do you have or have you received ANY help from your parents?

Ds has been in full time childcare since he was 22 weeks. In 7 YEARS both sets of GPS have NEVER:

1. Dropped off or picked up
2. Looked after ds when he was ill so we could work.
3. Attended nativity/school nativity, sports day, assembly, etc.
4. Helped/ visited /rang when dh and I have had two operations each.

The lack of interest in ds is what is most difficult. He barely knows my parents, my grandad was one of my most favourite people. Ds begged his gd to take him to school one morning after he stayed over. Ds sat on the stairs and cried after he left. He is a relatively young retiree and didn't have plans. OK for him to put himself first. In our case, I think it's up to the adults in ds's world to make an effort at a relationship. It would be very unfair of them to expect ds to care for them in any way.

This was a one off request for help that was turned down.

I do find it odd that GPs do not want to help out. Both my parents and MIL helped when our DCs were small.

My parents used to have them overnight from around 4 months but when DS1 was 1 or 2 months old they used to come round at 7am wait for me to feed him then take him out for 3 or 4 hours for a walk so we could sleep as he only slept for 2 hours at a time and we were shattered.

We never asked but they offered and we were hugely grateful.

The thing is, not everyone wants to help out and unfortunately it cannot be expected I guess.

Tiredstilltired - I totally agree, that is how my parents feel and I hope I will too.

Of course,mots not unreasonable to wish she would help, but it's a bit unreasonable to actually expect it.

I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother growing up. She looked after us often, visited an awful lot (probably more than my mother liked tbh) and it was wonderful. She always had my dc to stay when she was younger and my grandfather was still alive and took them on holiday several times! as well as having them whilst DH and I went on holiday child free. I realise I am unbelievably lucky and I cannot say how much I appreciate what she did for us, although I know she loved it too and loved to help.

In onion tats my own Mother and Mil couldn't really care less. That's their decision, but I can't imagine being like that personally. I look forward to having grandchildren and will be willing to help out as much as is wanted and I hope I am asked.

i agree with the posters who say that you are unreasonable for expecting but not necessarily unreasonable for wanting.
For what is worth my own "d" m never helps. She is perfectly happy to point out the fact that I am obviously shattered (nonsleeping DS and FT job) - but doesn't think about helping. If she stays at mine she will wait until i get up with DS and then appear wanting breakfast- I don't see the point in us both being up and if she's not going to help shecould at least not be a burden

But there's no evidence that she's refusing to help at all - she just doesn't want to be asked to get up at 5 or 5.30 which is a very different kettle of fish. How could anyone have known that the child would sleep till 6 that day? I don't think I'd ask anyone else to get up at 5, unless it was my husband, especially not if it was only so that we could both have a lie-in at the same time, but I'd very happily take the kids for the afternoon so that the parents could relax together then, or go out for lunch together or something. 5-5.30 really is the dead of night.

If someone you profess to love is tired/ill/struggling and you are in a position to help but don't... I think that is sad. And the person in need of abit of temporary support will be drawing conclusions from your actions.