To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

If my kids get up at 5.30am they are sent back to bed (9, 7, and 4). I won't get up at that time to look after them, so wouldn't expect anyone else to.

Also, if someone asked me to get up for their children at that time, they would be told no!

YANBU OP. Some of the posters on here will be grandparents and judging by their posts they will have the same attitude as your MIL which will be nice for their kids.

It is a lovely thing to help people who are having a hard time- your MIL doesn't want to. Next time she needs some help you won't have to feel obliged to do it. What goes around comes around.

Ok - I normally stay off these threads but here goes...

In general, I'm always slightly bemused by why people say "help" when they really mean "childcare"?

I have a very good relationship with both my mother and MIL, but I would never ask either of them to do this, unless I was ill or recovering from an operation or something.

But they help me in millions of ways, all the time:

• by loving my DC and making them feel loved
• by listening to me on the phone if I've had a rubbish day
• by making a cup of tea and a tasty cake when we're visiting
• by supporting my DC in what they want to do
• by being proud of my DC and praising them for their efforts

As the DC get older, I expect their help and support will change and grow to include things like being a sounding board for the DC's hopes and plans.

BTW whilst I do think your MIL could have helped, from age 2 both DCs had gro clocks as anything before about 7am I felt was too early. They had to play in their rooms until their clocks went off. I think you could definitely try this with your little one.

Helping your son or daughter out for an hour or so with their grandchild is not childcare IMO, childcare is a childminder or nursery. I hope that my DCs feel able to ask for my help when they are older. My mum looks after my nephew once a week whilst my brother and SIL work. She knows it is a huge help and they would struggle to pay for another day and nursery and also she wants to help out. She would never say it is childcare, it is her grandson.

There's help and there's help. I just can't imagine having that converstion with an older parent. "Er do you mind getting up at 5.30 to watch the kids whilst both of us have a lie in?" Just can't imagine asking. Maybe for an hour or two through the day to pop out or such but not to get up at that time. Be nice if she offered though.

She was up already though as the OP said she gets up 530/6.

I had my friends DCs overnight the other week and the 4 yo wakes up at at 530 and there is no settling him again, we were also up half the night with him. I love.my friend and her dcs so we did it as they need a break from the lack of sleep (one night was enough for us so they must feel awful).

As a rule I wouldn't ask someone to get up early with the dcs but sometimes people really could do with a bit of help on the odd occasion.

The OP has a OH. Really can't see why the OH can't get up and tend to the children to give the OP a rest. Perhaps the MIL can't understand why she was asked when clearly tired to get up when he just wants a lie in.

If you have a child who does not sleep well then both parents are shattered.

DH and i were exhausted with our first DS as he barely slept for 18 months due to one thing or another. He would let me sleep in every Sunday but occasionally we were both exhausted.

"She was up already though as the OP said she gets up 530/6."

Doesn't mean that she wants to be looking after a toddler, though!

In OP it does say that OPs husband asked his mum if she would get up with the toddler, suggesting that she wasn't up!

She was up already though as the OP said she gets up 530/6.

If she was already up why did the OP's OH ask her to get up?

OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

they can hardly expect those adult children to provide help or support in their old age. What goes around comes around.

Who knows what they've already done for their children before GC came on the scene. Or doesn't that count because 'that's just what you do' when you have children?

I know in an ideal world they should want to help. I love seeing my DGC and I help out as much as I can when asked.(and sometimes when not!)
However, some GPs aren't good with children (tbf, I'm better with babies and toddlers rather than older children, but I'll still do what I can) and I think that has to be accepted. It's not ideal, and I totally understand why you wish it were different. But to then say that 'as you haven't helped me, so I won't help you' is horrible.

Do you really all think you have to receive before you can give?

NannyOgg- If an parent isn't obliged to help their adult child when they are very tired or sick why on earth is the child obliged to help their parent if the situation is reversed?

I don't think that you have to receive before you can give, but people should expect that if they aren't willing to help others, then others are less likely to want to help them if they need it. You reap what you sow.

Everyone goes through phases of their lives where a little help goes a long way. Having a young family is one of those times. To actively say no to your son who you don't see that often for an hour or two in the morning, when he and his pregnant wife are escessively sleep deprived is pretty indicative to what sort of person they are IMO.

Couldn't agree more tobias. We are fine now. But for a year or so just a little bit of support would have gone a really long way. Moments past now our relationship with in laws is formal and distant. If they had been even a tiny bit helpful and supportive can't help but feel we would have a different relationship with them.

The one time we really needed help (both had proper debilitating flu with a non sleeping 7 month old pfb my parents travelling overseas) my lovely sister took a day off work, then my aunt and uncle stepped in. In laws refused to help.

Having a new baby and serious post pregnancy complications that required two hospitalisations was rough. The best and worst of times. If someone can turn down a request for help in those circumstances, they have no business expecting help themselves.

Everyone goes through phases of their lives where a little help goes a long way. Having a young family is one of those times. To actively say no to your son who you don't see that often for an hour or two in the morning, when he and his pregnant wife are escessively sleep deprived is pretty indicative to what sort of person they are IMO.

Agreed.

My sister doesn't our parents for 'child care' but when my sister, husband and children stayed with my parents they took the little one (15 months) into their bedroom for the night to give my sister and her husband a break from night wakings and early mornings. It's just one night, and my parents could rest when they were gone. Mum and dad also take the older two out to the park or something to give my sister and her husband a bit of time together. Mum and dad like their grandchildren tho.

My parents adore their grandchildren, they love spending time with them, they would welcome mecwith pen arms every day of the week if I brought the kids to visit them. They would chat to them, cuddle them, spoil them with sweeties etc. They still wouldn't want to look after them at 5.30am though, even if they were young enough to do so. If I were ill or something, then yes, they would do it in a heartbeat, but the idea of doing it so that DH and I could have a lie in at the same time would be met with bemusement. My parents know about sleep deprivation, as one of my siblings didn't sleep through until he was well over four years old, and fifty years later they still remember. They're not unsympathetic, but they have no wish to re-live it.

I think the important part is that you only see mil 4-5 times a year.
If you lived close and you had some days with no favours either way, just coffee morning, sunday roast, a shopping trip, then it is easier imo to ask for a favour. It feels diferent.

not sure why anyone needs to get up with an 8 year old and a 3 year old. can't the 8 year old turn in the tv and watch it with the littie one.

however getting up at 5am to children this she is ridiculous. make them stay in bed or amuse themselves quietly.

however my mil was ace and once tucked me in bed with a bacon sandwich while she had my toddlers and I slept all day!!!! bliss.. so I would help out my kids that way.

you do need to toughen up on this early waking though op or you will be on your knees when baby comes. your mil has a point here.

Treacle, the difference is that your parents enjoy having GC and help out on occasion.

I remember how hard sleep deprivation was. During the worst time I even thought about splitting up with my oh because sharing custody would mean we'd both get an occasional uninterrupted sleep.

Just trying to imagine if my ADULT son asked me to get up early to look after HIS kids.

I'd probably think about all those years I got up early after broken nights with him and maybe his siblings without any help.

I'd probably think about how stiff my joints felt and how exhausted I was after preparing for his family's weekend visit, and all the cooking, clearing away and effort it was.

Then I would tell him to fuck right off, roll over and go back to sleep if I
could.

If he made his DW get up, even if she was exhausted and had been up in the night, I'd regret raising such a selfish lazy bastard.

But I would also think that if she's prepared to put up with that, it was her business.

I haven't read the thread but am fairly confident that you will have been lambasted for daring to suggest that a gp has any need to do anything at all to help with your children.

I am full of sympathy for you. Dh and I have had no help and learnt expect none, as my mother lives on a different continent and his family won't lift a finger for us.

When my mum came to visit last year, she had the dc sleep with her every night so dh and I could get uninterrupted nights together. Only if the little one was really unsettled would she bring him to us.

It was only for the brief length of her visit, but the difference it made was unbelievable. It was not even the sleeping through at night, it was the feeling that someone gives a shit about you and sympathises with what you are experiencing enough to try and do something about it. Made us feel more loved than pretty much anything anyone has ever done. A year on, dh still goes on about it.

It is not about doing something (or not), it is about making the other feel that you care (or not!).

What a lovely attitude. If my mil was ill/tired and i was there I would help her. She has demonstrated that in these circumstances she would not help me or Dh. Hard to get past that really.

still can't see why anyone needs to get up at 5am here.

the children are 3 and 8!! tell them to amuse themselves quietly.

As a GP myself it annoys me when it is expected that we should act as free child carers. I love my GC to bits but fuck being taken advantage of.