To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

Thank you to those who understand and have replied in a more reasonable manner.

You mean, 'Thank you to everyone who agreed with me'.

Oh I understand perfectly what it is like to have to get up really early every day for years on end, with three kids. I just don't see why it should be anybody else's job but mine and DH's.

Hi nannyogg... If you help your family and don't have a lot of leisure time I'm not referring to you - as I said in my post you can't generalise. Loads of boomers are great with dgchildren

Re the whole social duty thing I mean that the children of the 60s grew up with a whole anti establishment thing but then voted in Thatcher and Blair who denied our generation things they took for granted. Of course not all of them did this but that was the prevailing cultural shift. I can think of some people who've benefited from house prices/wages etc but would think they've done their bit and deserve 6x holidays a year.

When you chose to make these kids, did you ask her first for her agreement and approval. Did you take her wishes into consideration with regard to the timing of their conception? Was she allowed an equal say into how they are parented

If have children chances are they'll have children.

Also, I believe the op was thanking the reasonable posters as some have completely blown this out of proportion... She was asking mil (who was awake) to sit with dc for a bit at 6am as she is preg and tired. She wasn't asking her to fund their education or look after them 5 days a week.

Whilst you're on here whining that your MIL did not let you sleep due to YOUR children, she is there making you all feel welcome on your hols / your break.

She is young to be bed at EIGHT! Take a hint, she's knackered!

Hmmm young was meant to be going! Urgh auto correct! Sorry.

She is GOING to be bed at Eight! She is tired.

I wouldn't have ever considered asking my mother or MIL to get up early with my child - yes, it is lovely if GPs offer to babysit for an evening or take the children to the park or something like that but most people have their own morning routine and looking after lively children probably doesn't come into it.

Getting up early is part of being a parent, take turns with your DH (why do you need a lie in together ) and yes, why have another baby if you find it hard - I found it hard, but I stuck with one child .

I think that for those of you that have great help from the children's GP it is difficult to understand the hurt you feel when your own parents or you parents-in-law shows little interest in your child and is not interested in helping you out one bit.

Everyone who thinks the op is being totally unreasonable. If in years to come you see your dd pregnant, tired and overwhelmed (and yes if you're a mother we've all felt this. Are you going to say to her "sorry darling, I may only see you a few times a year and yes you're exhausted, but nothing comes between me and my sleep. How dare you be so entitled"
Really, I look at my dd who is 15 and I can never imagine saying such a thing to her. She is my dd and I WILL remember how hard it is the daily drudgery and deprived sleep.

Sorry for the loss of your mum OP. it must be so hard watching your children grow and imagining if she was still here to be part of it.

I don't think a bit of childcare is too much to ask. You are probably mainly visiting so that she can spend time with and get to know her grandchildren, so it is a bit pointless if she won't. Maybe it would be worth your DH having a chat with her about the reason? Does she lack confidence with them and feel she doesn't know how to look after them?

I think family should all help each other out if they can. You help her out so a little break when you are visiting is a small thing. It's not like you are asking her to come to yours for the weekend so you can go on a spa trip!

Would she take them to the park in the afternoon so you can nap? Naps saved my sanity when I was pregnant with DC2.

I had no help, so please do not mistake my response is what it is due to not understanding.

The difference between the Op and I is that I did not feel for one moment I was entitled to that non existent help! It just would not and did not cross my mind to expect it.

My MIL and SIL demand we trek half way across the world so they can see their much missed darlings, then interact with the darlings for about 30 seconds before getting on with their lives and leaving me to entertain them in very child unfriendly flats. It sucks. But they really do care, they are just clueless about kids. I'm hoping they will gradually forge a relationship which will come into its own when the DCs are older.

But Tired it's different if the mum or MIL offers in that way, to expect the help with our children and berate the MIL on a public forum for not offering is being very unreasonable.

I've read lots of threads on here about the witch if a MIL having the cheek to want to babysit etc.. Maybe her MIL is a secret mumsnet member and is just paranoid ;) either way, the op needs to drop the sense of entitlement.

at first i thought you meant for her to get up specially, but if she is up already, why not just get the kids to go downstairs and say hi to granny? does the average 3 year old need much active looking after at 530 in the morning? leave cereal out and train them to use the remote

incidentally 530 am is a pretty awful wake up time. are you all 'early to bed early to rise' in your house?

I don't think that the OP is being "entitled" to be disappointed with her MIL for not helping her when she is so tired. I was certainly disappointed that my parents were always so unhelpful to me and I wouldn't treat my own children like that.

I think it's a bit mean. My pil get up with our dd when we stay or when they stay with us. I think because they want to spend as much time as possible with her and give us a break.
I'm a mil and help my dd and dil as much as I can even when I was pg with dd2 and dgs was one I had him overnight for them.
We are losing the sense of just helping each other out because its a nice thing to do. Shame really.

Op sees her mil a handful of times a year. She supported and provided her mil with practical help when her mil was ill.
Op is visiting the mil. She has 2dc and is pregnant and tired.
The mil is youngish and does not provide help in any way.
Op probably looks worn out. A lot of pregnant women who have other young children do.
Dh asked his mother if she could have the children in the morning for a few hours when she wakes up (6ish), so that he and op could have a v rare lie in.
It is not unreasonable. Why would you not help out? It is what loving families would do.
A lot of you sound like horrible mothers. Even if I was tired, I would do it because I know that I could catch up on my sleep the next night.

Tired, your last two posts, brilliant, sums it up perfectly.

My MIL died before dh and I got married, but I suspect would probably have been OK with an early morning help request. My FIL and his new partner not so much as they were always very very stressed when any of their grandchildren were even in their house! They wanted them to visit, just couldn't really cope with the disruption, and certainly would not have been OK if dh or I weren't around to toddler wrangle (or even teen wrangle to be honest).

My parents loved to have us visit and had all of their grandchildren to stay fairly regularly too. However I would never have asked them to get up early/look after in the early morning when we had little ones. I do see that as completely parental responsibility. My mum would send us to bed in the afternoon for a rest if she thought we needed it, and totally looked after us (with our help mind, lots of sous chefing!). Likewise when both me and dear sis stayed I wouldn't have thought about getting up with her two smalls (fairly similar age to mine) who got up way earlier than my two. Mainly because I felt she was a much more indulgent mum, but also because her children only really wanted her.

Tired has said exactly what I was thinking.

IMHO, OP your MIL brought up your DH supposedly to be a decent human being, why should she have to start looking after her grandchildren now as well. I'm sixty and I find looking after my grandchild very tiring, and I haven't had to go through a hernia operation or its like.

God, some people really are taking this a bit far and being very unreasonable themselves!

The OP, who is pregnant, should not have more children because she'd like a lie in for 1 hour on one occasion? Really?

OP has already said her MIL was awake, so not like they are waking her up. OP has also said they do cooking/dishes and shopping (and presumably pay for it) while visiting, so it's not like her MIL is having lots of extra work. MIL is not "very old" and seems to be in reasonable health at present according to OP. In fact, OP and her DH helped her after a recent hernia op, so it's not even as though it's all one way traffic.

It's true that GPs are not obliged to help their children in any way once they are adults, nor are they obliged to help with their grandchildren in any way whatsoever. You'd hope they'd want to, especially if they only saw their GC very occasionally, but they aren't obliged to.

Reading between the lines, I get the impression that the OPs MIL doesn't show interest in other ways too- it's not just not wanting to get up early (OP says she can't ask her to take DC to the park or cinema, for instance).

My mum looked after my DD (including getting up early) when I was really tired and stressed while studying for royal college exams and working full-time. She didn't have to do it, but recognising how tired I was and because she's my mum and she cared, she did it. She has my eternal thanks for that. She actually offered when she came to stay, but if she hadn't I would have asked (begged, actually). I would have been disappointed if she'd said no (I wouldn't have said or done anything about it). I guess I'm very entitled.

OP- YANBU to wish your MIL showed more interest in her GC and disappointed she wasn't willing to help out when asked. Yes, it's her right to decide what she will and will not do, but you are allowed to be disappointed too.....

If this is a pattern, rather than a one-off (i.e. she doesn't show much interest in her GC, your DH or yourselves, nor does she choose to help and support you very often), then I wouldn't be running to her aid next time (unless it's an emergency). Care and support is a two-way street.

You can't make someone want to help - either they feel for you, or they don't.

My DM doesn't 'do' helping with GC. I can wish all I like, but it'll never change. She helps in her own way, on her terms, even when it's counter-productive for me. She considers 5:30/6am to be nighttime, and would most definitely not get up early to watch DS. Having visitors exhausts her, she is getting very inflexible (late 60s).

Your DMIL, on the other hand, goes to bed early as she's usually up at 5:30/6am, which is coincidentally the time your DS wakes - I think YANBU to ask her if she could watch him for an hour, seeing as she's up and about already.
You sound like good guests, fairly self sufficient, so having you all to stay isn't a great strain on her in practical terms.

It's a shame she doesn't want to help out, but now she's been asked straight out and has refused, all you can do is accept her choice and move on, it really is her choice and not a grandparent's obligation.

Visits to hers will never be a break for you, so don't make the trip if you can't face it. She can come to you if necessary.
I find I get on with my DM a lot better in my house, whereas it's a strain at hers. She doesn't much like coming to stay as we don't have her home comforts, but the same applies for us. C'est la vie.