To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

[Me23]

People really need to read the thread. Thankyou to those who have.
Don't worry we won't ask again. I grew up in a family where we helped and supported each other as we wanted to and it was how we were told it should be. Not this everyone out for themselves mentality.

She has never taken the kids anywhere or spends time alone with them.

It was 6 not 5 she was awake, watching tv in her room it was only my soon to be 3 yr old that was awake not both of them, it was a one off request in 8 years as I'm suffering with early pregnancy exhaustion and sickness not something I wanted her to do everyday. My OH helps massively we do 50/50 hence he is tired too.
She didnt do any cleaning or cooking we did while we were there we also bought food shopping.

[Hoppinggreen]

Hope for? Yes
Expect? Nope

[Me23]

Wow! Really how is it free childcare? 1 hour with her gc, a one time request in 8 years being taking advantage of? Fuck that attitude.

[kerala]

Think in your shoes I would scale back the number of visits.....

My tip? Have zero expectation of them then you can never be disappointed or let down. Good luck with it all

[Shakey1500]

I absolutely don't think you are being unreasonable Me23

Despite my DS being 6, I can clearly remember the constant 5.30am wakes. It's too bloody early

You're not asking for the moon, just one measly hour. Ok, I understand that she's in no way obliged to do it, but can't believe she was asked and refused. I'd be biting my tongue. Of course, she's done her childrearing etc etc but one hour??? Sheesh

[ForTheLoveOfSocks]

And as an adult child with a family it annoys me I'm expected to nurse my elderly parents and IL's. Fuck that.

How does that sound Golferman? I hope you don't expect your DC to care for you?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

YANBU
It's very disappointing when family are not interested in spending time with the children or helping out at all.
I don't think you were expecting too much. Unless she's elderly or frail.
But I don't have any family input. So I can see your POV. It's a bit depressing tbh.

[ZanyMobster]

Golferman your attitude is horrible, I am glad my family do not feel that way. I agree with Fortheloveofsocks

[deakymom]

not read the entire thread but if i were the mil and i could get up early and let them have a lie in i would as i know how demoralising it is i was baking muffins at six because my kids were bouncing off the walls the only one who sleeps is my 13 year old and her brother kicks her out of bed at 7am so she can help him with whatever he wants to do because my hands are usually tied with ds2 (and muffins)

YANBU to want a lie in

you probably won't get it though

[PrimalLass]

I am so thankful for two sets of lovely and willingly helpful grandparents after reading some of the responses here. We were away for 2 nights last weekend and the kids were at my mum's house, and my ILs drove 50 miles each way to pick up the kids from school today (FIL is nearly 80).

I really hope I am like them and not all 'fuck that I did my turn.'

[Sixtiesqueen]

Like the OP, I am of the opinion that you help each other out.

My in laws are also completely disinterested and unhelpful so I sympathise with you. They miss out so much, and so do my kids. When I think about my own granny and the time we spent, it's so precious, it's surely part of the human experience to be a grandparent to a new generation? I still sing the songs my nana used to sing (wartime songs mainly) and I sing them to my children. It's her link to them.

There's nothing whatsoever entitled about what you asked. I feel sad for you, for all of us in the same boat.

But you know, I'm over it really. My children are getting older and easier. My in laws, I'm sure, hope I will be the dutiful DIL as they get older because its in m nature to be so. No - I will be disinterested and unhelpful because I resent them. Good luck to them.

[kerala]

Agree with every word sixties queen. My in laws emigrated because "there's nothing to keep us in England". Their 2 lovely sons and 2 little granddaughters count in that "nothing". Some people just aren't family orientated. It's very sad for them - they have really missed out.

[Mushypeasandchipstogo]

YABVU. You had the children , they are your responsibly not your MILs. Sorry but I think that you and your OH are being a bit selfish.

[treaclesoda]

Kerala that must be terribly hurtful.

[Xmasbaby11]

YANBU. It's not much to ask as a one-off and I'm sorry you don't have that.

My parents very rarely look after 2yo DD, but they are very open and apologetic about their reasons: they are in their 70s and find their own lives tiring enough. They do what they can. To my shame I still feel envious of friends with younger, fitter parents, but it is completely understandable.

[ProlificPenguin]

YABU. When I stay at my own Mums I get up very quietly with my DC so as not to wake her, I would never expect anyone to get up with my children.

[Nanny0gg]

NannyOgg- If an parent isn't obliged to help their adult child when they are very tired or sick why on earth is the child obliged to help their parent if the situation is reversed?

I'll say it again - the parent brought up the adult child, and presumably (hopefully) went above and beyond a couple of times during that upbringing?

Where does the tit-for-tat/reciprocity begin and end?

And yes, it would be lovely if she wanted to spend time with her DGC and give the OP a rest. But she doesn't.
It doesn't make her evil. There could be all sorts of reasons. Presumably her son hasn't asked her, so we don't know.

It is not unreasonable to want the help, it is unreasonable to expect it.

[innisglas]

NannyOgg, I second that emotion. I am a grandmother who does help out because I want to and I do not expect to be looked after when I get frail, but gosh some people feel entitled. Surely as parents yourselves you should realise the amount of care and trouble your own parents spent on you as children, for you to discount all that and refuse to help them in their old age because they won't give free babysitting services and at unearthly hours of the morning to boot?

[MrsCakesPremonition]

You asked, she said no. End of discussion on the 5:30am babysitting.

You can ask her to sit with them (watch a film, play etc.) while you have an afternoon nap or go out for a while with your DH. She might find it easier to cope with.

You and your DH can take it in turns to have a lay in. Several couples I know have Saturday lay in for DH and Sunday lay in for DW, so both get a lay in once a week. You might feel less resentful of your MiL if you know that you can have a lay in most weekends, even without her help.

[echt]

OP, you could ask her in advance. Try asking if she'd mind the children while you go round to the pub for an hour or so. Keep it local so you can get back as and when.

If anyone put me on the spot to look after a child at 6.00.a.m. they'd get this . She may well have been watching the telly, but might have had other things she intended to do that didn't require the presence of a child. No need for her to explain.

Your DH was there so could have looked after the child.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I have done lots of looking after other people's children and would always do what I could to help, particularly for someone with kids who is pregnant and knackered. But not a 0530 stint with children I don't know very well - I wouldn't be confident, I'd worry I'd get breakfast etc all wrong, I'd have to wake up the parents anyway...

Try asking for support some other way (can she take them to the park for an hour one afternoon?) and don't get het up about the early morning request. She is allowed to say no.

[whatever5]

I'll say it again - the parent brought up the adult child, and presumably (hopefully) went above and beyond a couple of times during that upbringing?

Not always, NannyOgg. MIL didn't bring up DH for example. And obviously no MIL has brought up their DIL. Anyway, it's not about tit for tat. It just is a fact that if a parent doesn't help an adult child if they really need it (e.g. if sick), they are likely to be less close and have a loving relationship. The adult child will consequently be less likely to go above and above when the parent is old.

[lainiekazan]

good post, alarkthatcouldpray.

My mother died when dd was a few months old. It was a horrible time. Did mil step up to the plate? Did she hell. Knowing that the dcs only had the pil as grandparents made no difference. They just weren't that interested. In fact I always say that I doubt whether they would have been able to identify my dcs in a line-up.

But, as ye sew, so shall ye reap. Now the inlaws are in a care home. Perhaps we should visit more. But frankly when I think of their attitude I really don't feel like it.

[tobiasfunke]

So is a child's relationship with their parents set in stone the day they turn 18? Isn't it a constant evolving thing that requires continued mutual respect on both sides. Sitting back and saying - well I brought you up- like that's an end to the matter is just wrong.
I judge grandparents who don't even pretend to be into their gc and watch their children struggle without helping if they can. I would judge anyone who did this.
OP and her DH asked her MIL once in 8 years. It's hardly entitled.