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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

299 replies

Me23 · 16/03/2014 08:52

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

OP posts:
milkysmum · 16/03/2014 21:14

I wouldnt expect anyone else to get up with my dc's I'm afraid. lovely if they offer but wouldn't ask or expect

VikingLady · 16/03/2014 21:23

I did not have a child in order to be used as unpaid childcare for an unguessable number of someone else's children in the future. Certainly not if that would be at 5.30am. So I would not expect my MIL or DM to do that for me, and I would not ask them.

I had children to parent those specific children and no others. I imagine most other people do the same.

hiccupgirl · 16/03/2014 21:23

yANBU - it's not just about your MIL helping out its also a chance for her to build a closer relationship with her grandchildren. Yes, she doesn't have to offer to have them for a bit on her own but I too would be disappointed that she didn't want to.

I too my DS up to my dad and stepmums last weekend - we see them 4-5 times a year due to the distance. My stepmom took him downstairs one morning and played solidly with him for 3 hours so I could have a lie in. She told me to go back to bed because she loves having the chance to have one to one time with the only grandchild she sees regularly and to build her own relationship with him.

Stripyhoglets · 16/03/2014 21:31

YANBU, what Tired said up thread sums it up. She should not expect help from you in due course if she doesn't help you when you so need it now, you only asked for a lie in fgs!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2014 21:37

Hrft, sorry, but re waking up at 5am, children understand those gro clock things from about 18 months old. And they work!

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 16/03/2014 21:37

Tired you speak a lot of sense.

The op is not ur to expect 1/2 hours help a year. It's hard not to get any help at all.

If I'm lucky enough for ds to have DC. I'll dote on them as much as I'm allowed.

Caitlyn2014 · 16/03/2014 21:44

I think its perfectly reasonable to think granny might get up early and have the children so mum and dad can get a bit if a lue in. However the fact she goes to bed at 8pm indicates there's sonething not quite right so maybe that needs to be taken into account as well.

I know that withy soon to be 5 grandchildren I'd be looking at an early morning start as our time.

Slainte · 16/03/2014 21:47

Well said tiredstilltired and iamsoannyoed.

Ledkr · 16/03/2014 21:57

children understand gro clocks at 18 months
Wow! Do they? Mine wouldn't have.

arethere has the answer to early morning waking everyone!
Your gonna make a fortune!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/03/2014 22:07

You're

whatever5 · 16/03/2014 22:11

I had children to parent those specific children and no others. I imagine most other people do the same.

I had children with the expectation that I would be their parent for life though. I wouldn't refuse to help them if they were extremely tired and asked me for help once every eight years.

innisglas · 16/03/2014 22:30

The thing is not everyone is good with other peopl's children, some people, like me find it extremely stressful and not something I would want to embark on at 5:30 in the morning.

SamandCat · 17/03/2014 03:13

It sounds as thoughher MIL is extremely tired if she is going to bed at 8. perhapss the Op and her OH should take a leaf out of her book if she is so tired?

Wuxiapian · 17/03/2014 03:29

Yanbu.

It's a shame she doesn't seem to want to help.

My mother, my MIL and even my ex MIL have been fantastic with regards to support - all offering to take my 3 children at times I've been ill/needed a break.

It seems I am blessed.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 17/03/2014 06:14

Those of you saying you have done your share of early mornings looking after your own kids, did you magically stop wanting to look after your kids once they turned 18? As far as i am concerned it is a lifetime commitment and i will not sit by and watch my dd in pain when she is grown up, pregnant and sleep deprived if there is something i can do to help.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 17/03/2014 06:27

Fwiw, my own mother always gets up early with dd1 when she is staying here, as she knows i am exhausted and up in the night feeding dd2. (she would probably get up in the night to do that if she could!)

however, i am sure my dad or in laws would be more selfish not be so accommodating if i had to ask them. My dad does comment on my "lie ins" when they have stayed and i have wondered if it really counts as a lie in"if you have been up all night with a newborn and only cobbled together a few hours sleep thanks to this " lie in"

people forget the agony of extreme long term sleep deprivation, if my dm is happy to do it occasionally knowing she can recover when she goes home, i will bite her hand off as the benefit of a few hours sleep when you are running on empty is priceless

maddening · 17/03/2014 06:39

My mum would do this and is supportive of me as her dd and my son as her gc and it is lovely to have the help.

so while mil is not obliged to help you it swings both ways - you know where you stand with her so the next hernia op or as she gets older and needier she can sort out her own care and help.

echt · 17/03/2014 07:03

Lots of nasty tit for tat advice here.

The OP has a partner who could get up.

StanleyLambchop · 17/03/2014 08:09

I don't think YABU to hope for a small amount of help. Yes you have chosen to have children and therefore they are your responsibility, but your MIL also chose to have children, that does not put any responsibility onto your DH to care for his Mum when she has had an operation or in her old age. It is mutual help, and works both ways. It must have been equally hard work for you to help her out as well as looking after your children/working/running house etc. If she does not see that then I know what my answer would be if she needs help again- her refusal of one hours help would be foremost in my mind.

BTW< I have looked after my elderly mother through a lot of ill health, but she was a fab Nan to my DC and we all love her dearly. No question that I would not return her many favours!

MissDuke · 17/03/2014 08:39

Given that she was up anyway, its a shame she wouldn't let you lie on. Was she trying to get ready for work? Did she definitely welcome your visit?

girlywhirly · 17/03/2014 09:19

Look OP, I have never known a 60 yo to go to bed at 8pm unless they were ill. I think your DH should have a word and try to find out what is wrong. She could be depressed, or have insomnia, or it could be something new that has developed. Maybe MIL has sussed that if she were to need any care/help in the future it would be difficult for you as a family with 3 DC and is a bit peeved.

If she can't cope with your stays at her home as a family, reducing the number of days will make it more bearable. Plus you've hinted that you couldn't leave your 3yo unwatched in MIL's house, which makes me think it isn't really toddlerproof. I doubt she will cope any better with a tiny baby crying on and off all through the night either. This is a good reason to suggest that she visits you instead, it's a lot of hard work packing up and going there, especially when you then have to do your own shopping and cooking and cleaning; you might just as well do them in the familiarity of your own home.

Regarding tit-for-tat, DC whose grandparents don't cultivate a warm relationship with their DGC often find they don't want to know them when they're older. Why would they when they've been largely ignored throughout their childhood.

Goldmandra · 17/03/2014 09:46

So, if the GPs don't make themselves available to care for their DGCs at whatever time of day or night, the parents deem it appropriate they shouldn't be given any help or support in their old age?

Nice.

whatever5 · 17/03/2014 11:07

So, if the GPs don't make themselves available to care for their DGCs at whatever time of day or night, the parents deem it appropriate they shouldn't be given any help or support in their old age?

I don't think that anyone has said that GPs should make themselves available to care for the DGCs day or night!. Talk about over extrapolating! However, if parents aren't willing to help their adult children once in a blue moon (e.g. because they are extremely tired or sick),they can hardly expect those adult children to provide help or support in their old age. What goes around comes around.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 17/03/2014 11:09

It's not about GPs being available 24/7/365. No support at all from GPs means that I have a financial, practical and emotional house of cards to manage. My resources and reserves are focused on my family (ds and dh). You reap what you sow (somewhat). Assistance will be on my terms with my family coming first.

Both sets of GPS had a sahm and massive support for babysitting. Taking the stance that they have raised their family and aren't prepared to offer any support to their adult children is hurtful. Not wanting to engage with their GS is hurtful to me. We'll be a better gps than they are.

People with functional and supportive relationships will have a hard time imagining what no support looks and feels like.

Goldmandra · 17/03/2014 11:13

I don't think that anyone has said that GPs should make themselves available to care for the DGCs day or night!

The OP specifically wants her children cared for by her MIL at 5.30am.