To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

[TheBody]

I have to say I wouldn't want to be getting up at 5am now regularly as did that your years with my own dcs.

however if my grown up kids/dil/sil looked this knackered I would maybe offer to take the kids out for the day so they could sleep then.

my mil and parents did that for me and you don't forget that.

[StanleyLambchop]

I'll say it again - the parent brought up the adult child, and presumably (hopefully) went above and beyond a couple of times during that upbringing?

You can say it as many times as you like, Nanny, it is just that some people don't agree with you!

Just like the OP chose to have her children, so did the MIL. Children don't ask to be born, therefore the care you give them is no strings attached. It is not storing up favours for when you are old. It is only once everyone is in adulthood, then the question of how much help each party gives can be looked at on an even field. My understanding is that the OP & her DH have already put themselves out to help the MIL after an operation, despite them also having small children to care for at the same time. Now they asked for one hours help as they are both exhausted, and the favour was not returned. I can see why the OP is pissed off, TBH.

OP, I would just scale down your visits as they are obviously stressful and hard work for all concerned.

[diddl]

"OP and her DH asked her MIL once in 8 years. It's hardly entitled."

And she didn't want to get up either-where's the problem with that?

[fallon8]

I'm a MIL...These are YOUR kids,not mine,,I would need an early bed and a lie in...if you can't cope with the present two, who are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves,,why are you having another one? I have done this already,Thankyou..

[zoemaguire]

Help with grandchildren, yanbu at all. But not help with 5am wakeups, that is beyond call of duty. My ddad needs very little sleep so will get up with kids, but I know I am just super lucky, I'd never expect it and none of the other 3 grandparents would do it, quite reasonably. Other childcare different though, would mil take them to park or museum to allow you a break in the day?

[echt]

To be fair, the OP cited a 6.00.not a 5.00.a.m. wakeup.

Still being U though, as MIL was put on the spot when doing what she presumably wanted to do, which was not what the the OP and her DH wanted her to do.

[fallon8]

Maybe the granny clears off at 8pm to get a bit of peace,,she is,after all, providing a free w/e break...
Why is it assumed that all of us grandparents want tp provide childcare and the parents think we are bring unreasonable if we don't do it?

[Mimishimi]

I think my jaw would drop if we had guests come to stay (especially if they asked to come rather than us inviting first) and they expected me to get up at the crack of dawn to look after their children.

Then again, you haven't had much of a break either so YANBU to feel disappointed.

[StanleyLambchop]

I think my jaw would drop as a guest, if having done all the cooking, shopping, cleaning etc my host went to bed at 8 o clock leaving us to it.
However, it is clear that the host/guest relationship is slightly different here as they are family, which makes the OP's request not unreasonable.

[lainiekazan]

I think the mil going to bed at 8pm tells a bit of a story.

My aunt confessed to me that as much as she loves her gc, she is completely exhausted by them and sneakily has to down a few disprin to stave off the headache they bring on whenever they visit.

[whatever5]

Maybe the granny clears off at 8pm to get a bit of peace,,she is,after all, providing a free w/e break...

Yes, I'm sure the OP thinks it's a fantastic free weekend break as on top of doing all the usual childcare, shopping, cleaning etc she also got to spend some lovely time packing and sitting a car for a few hours while driving to the granny's house....

[treaclesoda]

I think ultimately the way I see it is that the OP has an OH who could have got up and let her have a lie in, so the idea that she was struggling terribly with pregnancy related exhaustion and had no possibility of help unless her MIL stepped in is not strictly accurate in this situation. I would think it a shame that a MIL would see a pregnant woman exhausted and not want to help if she could, but I don't understand why the MIL is incurring such wrath here when presumably if she was forced to get up at 6am it means that not only did her MIL not help but her OH didn't either?

[diddl]

Perhaps MIL is also tired &/or went to bed for some peace & that was the reason she didn't get up.

4 extra people is tiring I should imagine, even if you aren't shopping & cooking for them.

[KitZacJak]

YANBU to hope for help. However, some people just don't think that way.

I can't imagine not wanting to help my children if I could see they were struggling.

[NUFC69]

Op, I am sorry you didn't get any help first thing in the morning; however I do think some of the vitriol heaped on the MIL is a bit over the top. You said that she had a hernia operation last year; it's not beond the bounds of possibility that she is still not fully fit and able to do things like lift weights (Gc, for instance). I have three GC and we child mind for my DD's DC every week. We are both absolutely exhausted at the end of the day and make sure that when they have gone we have a simple out of the freezer meal, then it's an early night. What I do find interesting is that coping with the baby seems really easy now, although when we just had her older brother he seemed like hard work. I put this down to the fact that we are now accustomed to looking after children again, ie it's just a matter of practice.

Almost everyone I know of my age (65) looks after their GC (anything from one day a week to full time). When I am out shopping, out in the park, the library, on the bus, there are almost more GPs looking after GC than parents doing it.

Got to go now, DD will be arriving soon with DGD! So, YANBU, but cut her a bit of slack.

[Gen35]

I really don't understand this semantic nicety about not being allowed to 'expect' a bit of help and no one having any obligations to each other. Most gps do help, it's about mutual obligations for people you care about and that care about you. If you can't expect help from family and friends and expect to help them, what's life worth?

[diddl]

But MIL works as well so I guess she also likes to rest up at the weekend.

It's possible that she was disturbed by the toddler as well.

[StanleyLambchop]

I suppose the MIL might have been tired, but presumably once the family had gone again she would be able to sleep/rest/ do everything to her own schedule. It was a weekend visit- surely someone could put up with a bit of disturbed sleep to help the family of their own son?? Who is chronically tired and just wanted a bit of a rest?

[gertiegusset]

NU in my opinion.
I'd get up and leave DS and DiL for a lie in, be only too glad to help out once in a while.
I do not want to be their cm but I'm DSs Mum and the child's Granny, and anyway, it's nice to be nice.

[diddl]

The thing is though that OPs husband could have got up & then had a rest later when OP got up, which I assume they do at home.

It would have been nice of MIL to help, but not essential imo.

And if the visits/travelling are too much then they'll just have to go on hold for a while.

[girlywhirly]

I agree diddl, with putting the visits on hold; at least until the OP feels a bit better. I think cutting the visits down to go on Saturday, stay overnight and leave after breakfast Sunday would help as well, warning MIL that this is the plan in advance. If she questions it, OP can say she thinks staying longer than that was clearly too tiring the last time for MIL.

Something like this would be practical 3-4 times a year I reckon. It seems like MIL only wants token visits.

[zeebaneighba]

YANBU - families are for helping and supporting. MIL chose to have her kids and that actually means to some extent being a parent for life. The support/advice/love/help doesn't just cut off at 18, kids are not chattel. Of course she has the right to determine the 'how' and 'when' of what that looks like for her - but YANBU to expect some sort of two-way relationship with her.

By the way, I absolutely hate the nonsense about "I've raised my kids, I'm not going to raise anyone else's". Really? Do you really think an hour of care here and there is child-raising? My parents half raise some of their GC as DSis escaped a violent marriage and works fulltime shiftwork. DPs have the kids 50% in any given week, do school runs, homework, cook meals, active in discipline & teaching, ferry GC to sports games etc - THAT is child raising. One hour so parents can have a break together? That is babysitting.