To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

[Me23]

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

Yanbu. I go against the mn grain and say that GPs should help out.

You dh needs to speak to his DM before your next visit but understand nothing may change. I have offered to help a friend by a saying I would get up with her baby when they stayed over. I was happy to babysit if she wanted to go out for a meal but I would not get up in the night. I remember how relentless early starts are but was only willing to help on my terms and if agreed in advance. I have my own child and we both work full time. I wouldn't want this sprung on me tbh.

If you know explicitly where you stand you can plan accordingly. Dh could take older two and you can stay home with the baby?

We get no help and it's frustrating and hurtful. You can't force people to behave in a certain way.

At first I was a bit but then actually giving it some thought, I sympathise with you, although your attitude seems slightly entitled.

I think it is not nice of her to refuse a specific, one off request for help. I don't get any help either but I would hope that if my child is grown up one day and on the bones of her arse with tiredness I would help out if asked. I don't think you are entitled.

Sorry just re-read your OP and seen you have asked for help but she refused.

I can see why you'd feel upset but there could be lots of reasons she's not comfortable looking aftet your DCs on her own, first thing in the morning.

Just one of those things you'll have to accept OP.

As I said up thread lots of GPs don't do the early shift. I wouldn't expect mine to do so either TBH.

There is no way my three year old would entrtain himself while I slept on! Well, he might, but by doing something dangerous or destructive. 8yrs of age of course, and maybe some 3-year-olds. But not mine or many others I know....

YANBU and, I find, that it's usually those who have help who go on about "being entitled" etc.

Grandparents will often follow the way their own parents and in laws were when they had small children. Did this GM have much help from her in laws when her own children were little or was she left to get on with it too?

As for the getting up early, did she take time off work for your visit? If so, I can completely understand her not wanting to get up early to do you a favour when she is having her own break.

yes, I notice that too Slainte

Ditto slainte..

How many people on here saying she is being unreasonable in wanting help are getting plenty of gp help themselves?

My dcs school and the parks/playgrounds I go to are full of GPS helping out.

I sympathise as my MIL is exactly the same, but YABU sorry. This always happens when we are at MIL's house. Ours are early risers too, we just take it in turns to get up with the kids. My inlaws are great with the kids in other ways, but early risers they are not!

Can't you train bribe your 8yo to look after the 3yo while you go back to bed?

YABVU, your children so you look after them. You choose to have more than one so cant complain that you get no break.

Not very nice to consider moving closer to have more support when what they translates to is you hoping to get free childcare. Perhaps thats why she is setting the tone from the start.

Besides, MILs cant win. Dont help with childcare and they are selfish, do help and they do it wrong and are interfering.

I don't think you're being entitled. I don't think you're unreasonable to wish your MIL would help.

But equally, she is not obliged to.

My parents help with childcare (but for work, not just to give us a rest). My MIL has never helped. That's the least of our problems with her really, but that's just life. It's sad for anyone to wish for a different type of relationship with parents or PILs but you work with what you've got, and you and DH have to think about taking turns getting up at the weekend.

Yanbu your mil does not have to provide support but I can understand why you are upset she is not more involved. One early morning is not much to ask. Perhaps I am sympathetic as I have similar experience.

'You choose to have more than one so can't complain that you get no break.'

What a ridiculous comment!

I'm a bit torn here. Mn is usually of the collective opinion that you shouldn't 'expect' anything but I find it strange when people relay stories of gp's not wanting to help. But she is helping in that you are staying at her house. That must be a lot for her to manage as it is. She can't really be any more helpful to you because of the distance that you live apart from her; that's not her fault surely So the perception that she's unsupportive comes from her not being keen to be up at 6am. I think she has a point in wondering how you will manage with a third when you are already up so much to dc2. That needs tackling really..

YABU to even ask. Your children are your responsibility. One of you can get up while the other one lies in for a while.

My MIL has never once lifted a finger to help with any of her grandchildren and that is her right. She did her bit with DH and his brother. This is just about the only aspect of her behaviour towards our family that is remotely reasonable.

My mother does help out occasionally, very much on her terms, and I only ask when I'm really stuck.

I know it's hard when you're tired. My children have taken not sleeping to beyond extreme and had me on my knees with sleep deprivation for years so I'm not without empathy for you. However, your children are nobody else's responsibility. Helping out your family is voluntary and your MIL has the right to pick and choose how much or how little she would like to do.

I don't think you're asking much of your MIL, though there might be reasons that she doesn't want to help. So YANBU.

However, you really need to stop with the 5:30 am starts or of course you'll be knackered. Some ideas:

with the 8 year old, tell them you want them to get up no earlier than 7am. Perhaps use a reward chart e.g. in conjunction with pocket money. What time do they go to bed - maybe they need less sleep?

with the 3 year old - get a 'gro clock' type clock - my 5 and 3 y.o. woke at 6:30 this morning but they know they must read quietly in their room until 'Mr sunshine' comes out or there will be trouble.

If you take control of your own kids you'll feel less resentful of MIL.

Surely an 8 year old is capable of looking after a 3 year old for a little while?

When my DD and her family visit I quite often get up and the little ones are watching TV. I don't even hear them.

I think it is time for you to teach your 2 DCs to be a bit more self sufficient .

OP, of course yanbu. I can understand that your MIL might not want to step on your toes but as seen as your DH asked for help and she said no, I would be really hurt and feel unsupported in those circumstances. Especially as seen as she doesn't do anything else to help you out.

I don't understand the attitude of others who say you are entitled if you expect help. She is family and families help each other out and are supportive.

YANBU to hope for some help but YABU to expect it.

If I were you, I would speak to your children about the early morning starts. An 8 year old should definitely be able to entertain themselves or get some breakfast. Even the 3 year old should be able to stay in their room until a certain time (you can get a clock with alarm) or until a parent comes to get them. If not, an 8 year old should be capable of taking them downstairs and playing with them for a little while. I would try to tackle this problem before adding the new baby to they mix.

I don't have any help from grandparents btw.

Just a thought OP but did you ask MIL if she would mind getting up with your youngest the night before? Or did your DH just shuffle into her room at the crack of dawn and ask her then?

I think many GPs would be willing to help if they were asked nicely in advance. Many would be less willing if they were woken up at 6.00 and asked to step in there and then.

YABU. They are your dcs and therefore your responsibility.
You might want to ask if she would be happy to help. You might hope she would be happy to do so. You can't expect her to do so just because she is your MIL and you are visiting.
It has never crossed my mind to do so tbh.

She's done all the early mornings and night wakings with her own kids. Why should she go through it again? A hell of a lot of people manage to parent effectively without the grandparents chipping in - while it's obviously nice if it's offered, there should be no sense of entitlement about it.

Yanbu. When we stay at il's they don't get up. But I think if we asked they would. If I asked and they said no I think I'd be pretty hurt tbh. I guess you know where you stand now though.

I expect she's worn out hosting you lot and having her nights disturbed.
Probably why she went to bed at 8.
Can't you take turns with your DH? It seems her bit silly your host being up with the DCs while you both lie in.

If your feeling miffed, I assume you guys are doing your share of cooking, shopping etc while you're staying.