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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a bit of support and help from mil with the kids.

299 replies

Me23 · 16/03/2014 08:52

We are currently staying at Mil for the weekend we have 2 dc 8 and 3 and 1 on the way. I get on well with her but her lack of offering to help or do anything with her grandchildren is annoying me. We only see her approximate 4-5 times a year as she lives 3 hours away so we don't get any help or support with the kids in London.

I hoped just for one morning she would offer to get up with the youngest so me and OH could have a lie in together for once she knows how tired we are with the constant 5-5:30 am starts but no offer forthcoming, this morning dc2 woke at 6 so not too bad but he was up a few times in the night and we both didn't sleep well so OH asks his mum if she would get up with him so we could sleep a little longer and she said no!

I understand she may be tired but she went to bed at 8 last night, is it really expecting too much to ask for an hour or two in bed for one morning? When that's the only help we can look forward to. We're not asking for her to take the kids out or do any regular childcare just one hour with her grand kids.

I thought family was supposed to be about supporting one another when she had hernia op last year we were aroud to help her. I don't know why we were thinking of moving closer to have more support and family around us as we won't have more support.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just so disappointed and don't want to say anythig to OH as don't want to cause tension. It's just with mil asking how are you going to cope with a 3rd and the lack of sleep well if family would offer a bit of support maybe that would help! Btw mil is only 60 and still works so not a geriatric invalid. If my mum were still alive I know she would offer to help so much more.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 16/03/2014 14:22

yanbu op. I can see from 100s of threads that a supportive family network makes a big difference to the parents and children's quality of life. Concentrate your time on the rewarding relationships. Fwiw, I judge gps that are retired, in good health and can't be bothered to help with their gc even a little bit.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 14:23

Yeah, really. Little kids wake up early. It's not forever, but they do. If you're so desperate to lie in, why have more and more and expect someone to sit with them at 5am?

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 14:28

She's pregnant and it's once in a blue moon, not every day. Compassion?

Yanbu op x

swampytiggaa · 16/03/2014 14:28

Have to say I have already decided that overnights/early mornings for future grand children will be on a dire emergency basis only.

We have five children. Only the first has ever done an overnight away from us. And she was very easy going. And that it fine. I love my children very much and they have fun with grandparents just not overnight.

I have done my share of broken nights and early mornings :)

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 14:30

Bad sleepers, early walkers, but go get pregnant again and expect someone else to get up at 5am. Clever?

I agree, swampy! Been getting up early doors for 10 years. Won't be doing it again except in emergencies.

diddl · 16/03/2014 14:34

"Fwiw, I judge gps that are retired, in good health and can't be bothered to help with their gc even a little bit."

Why?

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 14:35

Surely it is selfish?

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 14:36

Guess it just depends on your attitude to family

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 16/03/2014 14:37

It's simple. When she is next in need of assistance, refuse.

You are under no obligation to look after her as she gets older. After all, you have a family to look after.

It's a two way street.

susiedaisy · 16/03/2014 14:39

Wow I'm amazed at the lack of compassion towards another person on this thread. My brother has four kids and him and his wife do a bloody good job at getting on and being parents to those kids. But once in a while they just need a bit of a hand as do we all and I can't I mange telling them, no you had the kids now buggar off and get on with it. My sister in law has also lost her mum and step mum both to cancer. I just hope those posters who say they wouldn't help don't ever need a hand when they are feeling tired or overwhelmed. Hmm

treaclesoda · 16/03/2014 14:40

Gen35 out of interest, why do you judge grandparents who don't want to do childcare? They didn't make the decision to have grandchildren, so why do they have a sudden responsibility to help? (That is assuming that I've understood your post, and it was actually childcare you were referring to, and if not, I apologise).

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2014 14:40

I feel sorry for a lot of these GPs.

If they don't put in enough childcare/babysitting/family support they can whistle for any help in their later years/through ill health.

What they've done so far clearly doesn't count.

Nice. Sad

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 14:41

Yes because it's not what family is about, it's selfish to refuse to help your dc through hard times. Call me entitled whatever, I fully expect to help with my dc's children if they want that.

Want2bSupermum · 16/03/2014 14:41

My MIL is this way too. I just accepted it and moved on. She will do nothing to help me out but will move a mountain to help her son. Fair enough, it's her choice.

Oh and to make you feel better, my PIL stayed for 3.5 weeks and my MIL picks her teeth for approx 20mins every night after dinner. You only have a few days. Consider yourself VERY lucky. Whatever you do, don't move closer. You will not get any help. DH has asked me to move to Denmark and I have no desire to move so we can be close to his mother. It would be akin to a noose around my neck.

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 14:43

'Childcare' - I'm not saying every gp has to have the gc two days a week, but the odd bit of helping here and there - otherwise, yes, I have the right to think you're a selfish person - so what, my thinking that and you thinking me entitled doesn't kill anyone.

diddl · 16/03/2014 14:43

"it's selfish to refuse to help your dc through hard times. "

What hard times?

Jeez, OP & her husband fancy a lie in, it's hardly hard times for them!!

susiedaisy · 16/03/2014 14:44

It also seems the mil doesn't care if her own son is tired/stressed or feeling overwhelmed either. Even if she didn't want to help out once in a blue moon for the sil or grandchildren you thought might of done it for her own son.

susiedaisy · 16/03/2014 14:45

Dil not sil

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 14:48

I think that is a bit hard, expecting another baby, early rising 3 yr old - maybe I'm a sap - agree there are bigger tragedies for many people but still, the help expected was only a lie in.

treaclesoda · 16/03/2014 14:49

Gen35 sorry to be singling you out, its just that your last post made me think of something.

When you said that you expect family to help through hard times, I had a sudden thought that maybe the feelings on this come down to what different families etc perceive as being 'hard times' and being in need of help?

For example, I know that my parents would be on hand for absolutely anything that I needed them for if eg. I were ill, my DH was ill, or one of the DC were ill, or we had some other sort of crisis. Because they would see that as being a tough patch where we need help. But they wouldn't see the general day to day stresses of child rearing etc as being something that we need help with, just as they wouldn't be interested in how we manage our finances etc.

treaclesoda · 16/03/2014 14:50

er, cross posted there. You think I'm selfish? I'm selfish because I don't expect my parents to help? Confused. How can that even be logical?

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 14:54

No treacle, sorry for not being clear, it's only the gp I'm considering and if you as a parent don't want the help then you're a better person than me. Yes, it does come down to what you consider hard times, I think life with small dc is tough even if you signed up for it but as I said, clearly there are many different situations meriting more or less help.

treaclesoda · 16/03/2014 14:58

oh, ok!

Well, I'm not claiming to be a better person, not at all. I've said all along that I think it's lovely for grandparents to offer to help, if they can. But it's not something I would expect, I would just look on it as a nice bonus if someone offers to help.

YorkshireTeaGold · 16/03/2014 14:58

Also (I have a bit of a theory about this) lots of gps are very much from the baby boomer generation.

They expect lots of leisure time, paid for by low house prices/big pensions etc. They grew up when society and structures were being challenged and social duty wasn't agiven.

Things aren't like that now and our generation will have it very differently but some don't see that. They think "I worked for it, they should too"

I appreciate this is a massive generalisation and lots of people of that generation are very unselfish /socially aware etc but sometimes when people have problems with gps I can see this as part of the cause.

TheZeeTeam · 16/03/2014 15:00

As much as I think it's great to have interested and involved grandparents, 6am starts are the parent's job, not the grandparents. That's what CBeebies is for...they watch, you snooze.